Paul Cézanne

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Quite simply the best prank pulled on the world.

Oscar Wilde on Paul Cézanne

Cézanne shown here photographed and not painted

Paul Cézanne (19 January 1839 – 22 October 1906) was a French artist and Post-Impressionist painter whose work laid the foundations of the space time continuum from the 19th century and allowed history to progress into the 20th century.

Early Days[edit | edit source]

Well, Paul Cézanne was born in poverty. He was born to a poor banker in the middle of Paris, France. Unfortunately for Paul his father was too poor and sold him to a painted named Camille Pissarro. Camille (actually a man) took heart in the young Cézanne child and constantly made him paint day in and day out. Whenever Paul would mess up, Camille would throw a beer bottle at him. This happened quite frequently.

Painting Style[edit | edit source]

Paul Cézanne was an ok painter in every definition of the word. He wanted to be good and great, however, he was just ok. He painted without any idea how to. His ideas were ok and nothing he could do could make him better. Camille and all his friends (Monet, Manet, Menet and Munet) would constantly give him encouragement. One day Camille had a plan - he sneaked one of Cézanne's paintings into a Gallery. He thought it was hysterical. Unfortunately for Camille, that painting would make Paul pretty famous and result in the atrocities known as Cubism and Futurism.

The Joke[edit | edit source]

Briefly discussed was the great joke Camille Pissarro played on the world. Camille knew Cézanne was ok at painting. But rather than discourage him, Camille thought it'd be funny to make Cézanne showcase his work at the Salon. Three times he did this and every time that Cézanne came home ok - Camille would tell him chin up and to try again. As soon as Cézanne felt better and left, Camille would bust out laughing. Eventually Monet and Manet (separate people) got in on the act. So they went on encouraging Cézanne. Unfortunately for everyone involved some critics were smart, and actually gave Cézanne good reviews. When Cézanne found out, he murdered Camille and fucked his body. Deeply moved by this, Cézanne painted a portrait of Pissarro with devil horns and guns to his head.

Portrait of Camille Pissarro 1886