Parkinson disease

First diagnosed case

"Parkinsons" redirects here. For other uses, see The Wiggles.

Parkinson Disease is a debilitating neurological condition believed to originate in a remote and culturally backward region of the British Isles named Yorkshire, an area otherwise notable for its mass murderers. The condition’s cardinal symptom is an obsessive compulsion towards interviewing. It was first diagnosed in British Talk-Show host Michael Parkinson and is thus named after him.

Diagnosing Parkinson disease has become much easier in recent years due to the large volume of video evidence of its symptoms, primarily from The Parkinson Show from the early 1970's to early 2000's.

Physicians recognise Parkinson Disease through the presentation of the following cardinal symptoms:

- Compulsive interviewing

- Obsession with celebrities and being associated with celebrities

- An irrational hatred of Meg Ryan

- Pronounced Northern English accent

- Regular spurious claims to know one’s mother

- Excessively pronounced jowls

The symptoms are progressive and debilitating. No cure has yet been found, but the symptoms can be curtailed by isolation from other individuals for protracted periods of time or continuous exposure to footage of, articles about, or the actual, Meg Ryan.

There are a number of further symptoms that mark out particularly advanced cases.

Language Hyperextensibility

Of course... one of the easiest symptoms to spot in a sufferer, is their propensity... if it indeed can be said... to talk in long and directionless sentences in what one could call... a gruff and practical, and you know almost beautiful in its way: northern accent. That's not to say that what is being said is without merit... just that... when all is said and done... it could have been said... with less of the 'words' and thus unarguably, a whole lot quicker.

Introductionary Length Disorder

This problem is especially prevalent when a sufferer is introducing their spouse or friend to someone. Instances such as introducing a colleague to one's wife at a Christmas Party, can often present in a manner similar to the following:

Now this woman is from fine Yorkshire stock, born there that she was, in 1946, just one year after Germany surrendered to the Allies in the Second World War. Growing up, it’s fair to say she lived in a council house with her single-mother Mildred in the marvellous city of Leeds. And from a young age... this lady dedicated much of her time to reading historical literature; a practice she is still very much involved in today.

From these humble beginnings, she didn’t lose her virginity until the age of 24, not so unusual back then, and she did so in the freezer department of one of the first branches of the supermarket Sainsbury’s, to a man named Peter, an old friend of mine, who was at the time, learning a foreign language as a hobby.

This lady went on to work in the very supermarket where she was first penetrated, and became a much loved member of the team, once shaking hands with Lionel Blair, who came in for some cheese. Lionel left disappointed because of a problem with the cooling equipment, but this women spent forty more years at her beloved convenience store. Recently retired, this girl has put her feet up and is enjoying having some time to herself. So, without further ado, let me introduce you to, the incomparable, but very much still my wife: Fiona!'

Instead of simply saying:

Hi Jack, I don’t think you’ve met my wife Fiona.

Creeping Northernness

Sufferers of Parkinson disease tend to remind those around them, constantly, that they are from "God's own country", otherwise known as Yorkshire.

It is generally insufficient for the sufferer to just mention this occasionally or reserve it for circumstances when someone asks you "What county are you from?". Particularly in more severe cases, the county of origin of a Parkinson Disease victim is constantly relayed in every nook and cranny of everyday conversation. Yorkshire...Yorkshire... Yorkshire.

Knee Touching

Parkinson disease sufferers have an uncontrollable urge to place their hand on the knees of members of their fairer sex that they’re in conversation with. The intention behind this is usually innocent from the perspective of the sufferer and usually consists of a small radiating stroke of the upper area of a ladies leg.

Billy Connolly Obsessive Disorder

Parkinson Disease sufferers show a somewhat unnecessary and unhealthy interest in the comedian Billy Connolly. It manifests to a great extent in an uncontrollable urge to repeatedly talk to him, along with fervent laughter whenever the Scottish comedian is in the room.

Parkinson Plus Syndromes

There are isolated cases of particularly severe mutations of the disease.

The famous British DJ, presenter, charity fundraiser and pervert, Jimmy Savile, is believed to have suffered from an unusual variation of Parkinson Disease where the underlying disease, mixed with a pathological propensity towards violence led to an exaggerated version with the cardinal symptom being excessive touching, eventually progressing to rape and necrophilia. This variant is sometimes referred to as “evil bastard syndrome”.