Pallet jack

“Jack me off, Jack me on”

~ Oscar Wilde on pallet jacks

Thrusting the jack handle against your pelvis will cause the thighs to become erect as seen in this diagram.

Pallet jacks are mechanical tools used by heartless manufacturing plants that either don't have the budget or don't care enough to train their employees to use actual fork lifts.

Operational Principle

The jack has two basic components: the thighs and the jack handle. The jack handle both steers and elevates the thighs. First the thighs are lowered for penetration. Once the thighs are secured under the pallet, the operator, also known as the wanker, applies a repetitive thrusting motion to the jack handle. This is sometimes known as "Wanking" or "Jacking Off". After a bit of jacking, the thighs become erect enough to lift the pallet off the ground. Now that the pallet is elevated, your shitty boss can instruct you to move the pallet to the other end of the building, almost a mile away. Afterwards, your boss will tell you he meant the east wing of the building. After another half mile of traveling, You can now spend the next 5 minutes fidgeting with the jack handle to figure out how the steering works and finally get that stinkin pallet where it's supposed to be. One final squeeze of the jack handle releases the pent up piston and lowers the pallet to the ground, allowing the pallet jack to be removed and taken all the way back to where you started.

History

This blueprint gives better insight into the intended purpose of the pallet jack, which was of course to make life harder for the people working at any given manufacturing plant and to make all company parties involved more money.

Shortly after the Clark company revolutionized the heavy lifting industry with the Forklift, they were commissioned by the Cheapskate Desk company to make a much cheaper model that was both less efficient and more difficult for employees to operate. After about 30 seconds of brainstorming, the blueprint seen to the right was submitted to the patenting office in 1928.

Types

The higher ups at many manufacturing plants were very happy with how much extra profit had been squeezed out of the inconveniencing of their employees, but they also didn't want to make their own lives harder. Soon after their first pallet jack model had been sold across the US, the Clark Company was once again commissioned, this time by the Cheap Flimsy Doors company, to create pallet jacks that were still relatively cheap, but slightly closer to forklifts, that were meant for the exclusive use of supervisors and general managers. Over the next decade, the Clark company created several motorized pallet jack models that allowed managers to thoroughly flex on their peasant subordinates.

Peasant Jack

This is the simplest model. Powered manually by the wanking of peasant workers. Companies will buy a lot of these models due to their extremely low price and disposable nature.

Supervisor Jack

This model is motorized for the convenience of the supervisors on staff. Rather than thrusting the jack like some kind of rapist, A simple lever controls the elevation of the thighs. The supervisor still has to push and pull the pallet jack, though the motorized movement assist makes the pallet feel much lighter. Companies will usually buy one of these for each supervisor on the payroll.

General Manager Jack

This model is exclusively for the use of the General Manager and his higher class friends. The only difference between this model and a full-on forklift is the type of motor used and the lack of a chair. They're still half the price of a traditional forklift, meaning the General Manager can stand in the jack moving around all day without breaking a sweat or the bank. The no-wall frame allows the General Manager and his friends to look down on the laborers using the Peasant Jack while they sit there in their small forklift throne, moving large crates and pallets around with a shitfaced grin.

Operational Limitations

• The General Manager jack does still require the operator to stand up while the jack is in motion, but hey, you gotta make some sacrifices when you're paying half the price of a traditional forklift.
• The Supervisor jack is much bulkier than a Peasant jack, which means they can't be horizontally stacked like shopping carts.
• The Peasant Jack is just a bitch to use all around and no one should be forced to use them.

Typical Dimensions

Pallet jacks are known for their tendancy to sporadically warp out of our dimension and into other dimensions. While the time and pattern of these warps are difficult to predict. They only seem to stay within a handful of dimensions with specific names.

• Bearwarts is a dimension located just outside of London. Pallet jacks often end up here when the mana concentration is high.
• Saulneapperic is ruled by sentient leeches. Its believed the leeches purposefully snatch our pallet jacks and use them to carry around their advanced medical equipment.
• Gooklor is the dimensional residence of the infamous Gmork, who hates fun and loves eating old pallet jacks.
• Oppilume, sometimes known as the 2nd Fantasia, is a dimension filled with old people who sit around all day and talk about the weather. The pallet jacks they receive get recycled and used to construct gazebos.
• Squeredly has no lifeforms but is primarily made up of human condiments. Experts aren't sure why pallet jacks get sent to this dimension.

See also

asshole