Oaks Christian School
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| Oaks Christian School | |
| Address | |
|---|---|
| 31749 La Tienda Road The Fiery Depths of Hell, California, | |
| Information | |
| Type | Private |
| Motto | "Can't Spell Nonprofit without Profit!" |
| Religious affiliation | Christianity |
| Established | 2000 |
| Founder | David Price and Baby Jeebus |
| Headmaster | Robert Black |
| Faculty | Underpaid |
| Grades | Shit |
| Enrollment | 1,400 (2019–20 academic year) |
| Student:teacher ratio | 10 Students:1 Underpaid Teacher |
| Color(s) | Cardinal and Gold
|
| Nickname | Lions |
| Accreditation(s) | Western Association of Schools and Colleges, Southern Association of Colleges and Schools, Easy Pete's School Accreditor |
| Average SAT scores | 1390 |
Oaks Christian School (OCS) is a "nonprofit" Christian private school in California which just happens to charge $70,000 per year in tuition fees alone. Oaks Christian School is built on a former torpedo testing site, fortunately ensuring the total destruction of the campus during the inevitable nuclear war.
The school was established in 2000, when founder David Price realized how easy it was to scam Californians out of money. As of the 2019–20 school year, total student enrollment is approximately 1,398 students and 2 Ugandan children whose sole purpose of being there is to pose for PR photos. Approximately three-quarters of these students are enrolled in high school (grades 9–12), while the remainder comprise the middle school population (grades 5–8), with no discernable difference of intelligence between the two groups.
Academics[edit | edit source]
Oaks Christian holds the Guinness World Record for "Most Expensive High-School to Teach Creationism. They actually teach this shit, no joke.
Biology[edit | edit source]
Students in Freshman year will enjoy a Biology curriculum consisting of VHS recordings of Michael Behe documentaries played on loop. The IT department blocks Google searches of "Evolution," "Charles Darwin" and "The Origin of Species" in order to make sure the student body gets a balanced view of both sides.
Students who are conned into taking AP Biology will receive a copy of the bible and a gun, just in case they meet a "Evolutionist" on the street.
History[edit | edit source]
Over half of the history staff have left the school in the past 4 years. Students who are unlucky enough to take APUSH with Mr. Moore will enjoy the following roster of weekly assignments:
- 10 Pages of Fill in the blanks for John Green's Crash Course US History on YouTube
- 3 Pages of short essay questions
- 3 Pages of textbook questions
- 40 Pages of Textbook reading
- Yes, weekly
This dude is so fucking crazy he actually assigns the questions written in the textbook, which is a hallmark of the mentally insane. He also had a Senior come in and explain how "the workload might be shit but you'll get a good grade on the test" Most kids still got 4s anyway.
Bible[edit | edit source]
You can't complain about having a bible class at a fucking Christian school, that is unless the bible class doesn't even teach about the bible. Of the 5 semesters of bible required to graduate, 1 actually focuses on the bible for the majority of the class. That would be in freshman year, where you get a crash course on the old testament. Due to the huge influx of J-J-J-J-J-J-JEWS, Oaks Christian School is afraid of being Christian, as that sweet jewish money may dry up. You spend the next 3 years of bible learning about the golden rule, and how racism is bad.
Athletics[edit | edit source]
Oaks Christian is widely known for their football team, which was decent a decade ago. Now it's aged about as well as a 40 year old pornstar with one two many plastic surgeries, endlessly trying to recapture their glory days, but ending up getting fucked raw by a mediocre opponent in the end.
The Oaks Christian Method of Putting together a Darn Good Foobal Team[edit | edit source]
Oaks Christian pioneered the method of holding back fat kids while they were in middle school. By doing this they would end up with 350lb 22 year olds by senior year. Everyone enjoys a nice fair game of Football where 'Deandre Laquavious' gives half of the other team concussions, and maybe scores a touchdown too if he remembers which side of the field he's supposed to run at.
Special Treatment of Football Players[edit | edit source]
Oaks Christian is so desperate for good football players that they are willing to pay off, for anyone willing to join the team:
- Tuition Fees
- Cable TV Bills
- Concussion Rehab Bills
- Pornhub Premium accounts
Cafeteria[edit | edit source]
The Oaks Christian Cafeteria, better known by the Military as “Biohazard site 4546B,” is a former garbage dump turned into an overpriced eatery for rich Oaks students.
Design and Construction[edit | edit source]
The original building plans were designed in 1429 as a way to channel rotting sewage to revive the dead, but they were repurposed by OCS and built in 2000. The sewage is instead used as meat filler. The architect placed the center of the foundation on the overlap between 2 Indian burial grounds, thinking that the two curses would cancel each other out. Unfortunately they did not, ensuring that every single fucking meal served there would be cold.
Quality of Food[edit | edit source]
Oaks Christian contracts catering company, terrorist organization and horse rights activists Sodexo to produce the “food” served there. To be fair there is one cool Mexican dude who works behind the grill whose sandwiches slap. His name is 'Chano' and he is like 84 and deserves to be drinking martinis on the beach instead of working 9-5. But you fucking know that Rob Black wouldn’t dare take 15k out of his $600,000 dollar yearly vacation fund to let him retire.
Price of Food[edit | edit source]
The price of items at the Oaks Christian Cafeteria was once described by Aristotle as "fucking retarded."
You will be charged $5 for a "Quesadilla," which consists of a tortilla, a quarter of a McNugget, and some shredded cheese which may or may not be rock solid. As for the Chinese food, OCS boasts that they are the only school in their zipcode to serve real orange chicken, which is made with real chickens killed with real agent orange. Their pizza doesn't taste half bad, but the retards behind the counter can't be bothered to make more than one cut in each personal pizza, as that would take time out of the 5 hours they spend pissing in the Chicken Noodle Soup each day. This results in a "slice" of pizza which is literally a semi circle. This also costs $5.
Honestly these prices don't seem that bad until you realize you're already paying $70,000 a year, and these meals should either be good or free for that kind of money.
Notable alumni[edit | edit source]
- Andrew "Alpha" Henson, Shampoo Truth Advocate
- CAMBR1A AGU1LAR, First Sentient Sex Doll
- Ivan Jepsen, Ugandan Mathematician
- Michael Mccoy, Turning Point USA Fan of the Year
- Nick Papoui, Professional Pussy Fingerer
- Ty Eli, Dumbest Person Alive