Norrland

“Watch out where the huskies go and don't you eat that yellow snow”

~ Frank Zappa on Norrland

“Is there anyone here?”

~ Tourist on Norrland

Norrland is a Swedish colony often called The Siberia of Sweden. The main difference being that all criminals and political dissidents deport themselves from Norrland to the Capital Stockholm instead of the other way.

Facts

Norrland begins where the Stockholm local traffic network ends and ends where the Norwegian civilization begins. Norrland has less than 900 000 inhabitants dispersed over a half dozen counties, each bigger than the rest of Sweden (Skåne and the two islands Öland and Gotland, as well as some other minor islands). The population density are 3 per square kilometer and the medium distance between the pubs in mating season is over 75 kilometer, a fact that is causing a rapid population decrease in this already sparsely populated area.

There is a rich animal life in Norrland, there are almost all probable species of mosquitos (except the malaria mosquito), elks, reindeers, wolves, bears, polar bears, foxes, ermines, rabbits, dogs, cats(also a Swedish pornomagazine),mammoths and the icehockeyplayer "Foppa". The human life is though not especially rich. People along the coast lives like ordinary people, working in the paper industry or in the steel industry. But in the northern part of Norrland, far away from the coast, in Lappland, lives a very mysterious and special kind of people, the Lapps. The Lapps are living in small tents with their reindeers and mammoths and are very poor. But they don´t care about money, for them the most important things in life is to be out in the beautiful nature and go hiking with their reindeers or riding on their mammoths.

Norrland is a good place to visit as the people there cannot say the letter "å" anymore than the common American. This is very funny to the rest of Sweden that often points out that maybe they shouldn't have named a lot of villages things that ends with å. Example: "Umeå" Pronunced: "Ume". "Luleå" Pronunced: "Lule".

Important cities

• Gävle: The functioning province capitol of Norrland, situated in the most southern part of the province, known for its hockey team (Brynäs IF),and for being the place where the singer/artist Thomas Di Leva was born and for its huge car factory. The people in the more northern cities don't really see this as a part of "Norrland" since it's to close to the capital. (A quick stroll away, norrland style.)
• Sundsvall: Wood industry city known for it's smell and the following quote: "Anywhere I saw, I saw a saw and a saw and a saw...". Sundsvall is also known as Heroin City as they have more opiate addicted youth than all other cities in the nation has got combined. They usually hang around at a place called "Navet", this is a place where they can sleep with old men and get run over by busses. Several hockey teams too unimportant to mention.
• Kramfors Famous for its historic Bloodbath derby between the Worker Mob Rioters and the Mounted Cavallery Devils. The local yeraly hockey derby is played with sharp bayonettes in order to celerbrate this event.
• Örnsköldsvik This is the hometown of the famous hockey player Peter "Foppa" Forsberg who also owns the Hiab Foco Levy factory, famous for making smooth nuclear weapon launching devices, or Middle East chemical warfare missiles or anything that can cause extinction there and profit here. The city is also called Ö-vik because the people, suffering from inferiority complex in regard to Umeå, are verry lazy and slow. Of course this city has a hockey team, know as Mödom Höckey.
• Umeå: The town of Björk. The most common cause of death in the town's University is allergy shock from the pollen in the spring time. Apparently the students from around the country are not used to breathing a mixture of air that (amongst other things) consists of only 7.6% oxygen but 24% pollen. Many hundred years ago a strange old fashioned way of hockey was played here. They used sticks made of birch and clothes made by the birch leaves. Also the "ball" was made of leaves from the birch and it ended up with the "ball" being mixed up with their clothing and lots of fights between the teams were very common. Nowadays they still have a hockey team called Björklöven (Birchleaves). They are also famous for their football hero Hanna Ljungberg who, to be honest, is more famous for having a hot younger sister - Sofia, than for her football efforts.
• Skellefteå: Steel industry city, also known for its gold and silver mines. The most hated city in all Norrland, only Örnsköldsvik is even close. Their hockey team is shorted SAIK and they lose all their games because they can't find the arenas. Skellefteå is known to its chav residents as Skellhell, and to its local knackers as 'Skelet'. All who live in Skelleftea called "Lundmark" or "Marklund" in the surname, and they are also inbred.
• Piteå: Known as the Riviera of Norrland. The main beach is situated right next to one of the country's biggest paper mills. Their hockey team is called MoJo and the hockey star Pite Fivefive comes from here. Smells shit most of the time due to the paper mills.
• Luleå: The only town in the world whose harbor lies 20 km inland. The town is known for its many snotty emo types, you can't go anywhere without seeing the black/pink-types. And, Yeah - the hockey team is called "the bears" by citizens of Luleå. Luleå has won the Oscar 15 times because of their great bondage-films.
• Östersund: Big city next to the Great Lake, where the Great Lake monster lives. The monster sometimes leaves the sea and walks on the streets, hunting and eating small children and dogs. These events are considered nearly as mentionable by the media as the games of the local hockey team. It was last seen 24th of December 2009 stealing a bike.
• Kiruna: Mine city in the far north, which was regarded as a mistake already from the beginning. Now 100 years later they decided to move it even 2 km more north, since the vibrations from the hockey arena threatens to earth slide the entire town down into the open mine pit.
• Sveg: Is a cit... What? Not a city? We've ran out of them already? But it has two hockey teams.
• Hudiksvall: The oldest town in Norrland, and it was the province capitol before Gävle started to belong to Norrland. It was also here in Hudiksvall that Sweden began to colonize Norrland in 1581 by Johan III, who was a son of the bloody evil Swedish King Gustav Vasa. In modern times, Hudik is known for the famous hockey player Tomas Brolin, Iggesundsbruk (a hockey club factory which has made one of the worlds longest hockey clubs!), and optical hockey fiber.

Drinks

Most recommended is the "Pajala Sunrise", a beer stein full of moonshine garnished with a thick slice of Falu Sausage on the brim. Or if you're in a really good mood, you can have the "vargtass" (wolfpaw). The "vargtass" is the same beer stein of moonshine and one Lingonberry either in the glass or thrown over your left shoulder (right shoulder is considered a bit queer). The "Grova Åke" is Swedish snuff (snus) mixed with home made vodka and some lime. Really good!