No I Didn't

What's up, man?

Where were you this morning, I didn't see you in- your cat's dead? Well, don't worry, you can always ge- you think I did it?! Because there was a note that I signed left by its corpse? That's ridiculous. Look, I didn't kill your cat or write that note, it was probably one of your douchebag friends playing a prank on you. What? I told you I was going to kill that cat? When did that happen?!? At the party? Well, I was drunk, so you shouldn't belie- OK, well, I was high too. Whoa whoa whoa whoa, hold on, what else are you accusing me of, here? You say I had sex with... no!

Why would I fuck your girlfriend?

C'mon, man, you know me better than that! Besides, you didn't hear her screaming last night. How do I know she does that? Well, uh, um...you see... she tol- no! No, her friend told me she does that. How would she know? Maybe they're lesbians or something. Yeah, your girlfriend is probably bisexual.

No, I Didn't Poop In Your Computer!

That Would Be Crazy!

Come on, man, why would I do that? That's just ridiculous, I'm not secretly holding something against you! An action like that would be unprovoked and undeserved. I mean, you did just steal a bunch of money from me, and you ate all my food because you were "so hung over". But I've put that behind me. Really.

Yes, I Did Just Upgrade Your Computer For You

But I don't specifically remember taking out all the components and then pooping inside of it, perhaps as a sick sort of joke or maybe just revenge. That would be ridiculous. Just because I've recently opened up your computer when you weren't around doesn't mean you have any sort of justification for accusing me of this dreadful crime. Nor can you accuse me of doing it simply because I have done it once before. That time you were able to prove it. This time is different.

We Will Find The Real Criminal

You probably didn't know that I'm trained as a detective. Well, I am. And just by looking at your computer, I can only conclude that you pooped in it, maliciously attacking yourself. Have you been treating yourself poorly lately? That could be the reason why. You probably have multiple personalities, and that's okay and everything, but you need to keep yourself under control. Also, since you did it, I feel that it is most assuredly your responsibility to clean it out, and I think I'm just going to leave now. Because I have to go... to... the grocery store. To get... uh... food.

I Also Didn't Trash Your Room

Aw, c'mon, now. I just proved to you that I most certainly didn't poop in your computer. Well, I didn't actually prove it, per se, but the fact that I said I did should make it so. So why would I have gone into your room when you weren't around and broken your things, furious that you continue to disrespect my personal space and eat all my goddamned food? Oh my god, you know what it was? It was probably some sort of psychopath! Yeah, you know what... oh, I remember now!

There Was Some Dude In Your Room

He looked kind of like this.

Yeah! Uh, well, while you were gone, some dude was just in your room, throwing your stuff around, and I went in, and I was all, "Who are you?" He looks at me and he's like, "I'm Jason's friend." And I was like, "Cool." So one of your friends trashed all your stuff. He told me he knew you, so I figured you'd like, told him to or something. I think it was Jerry. Do you have a friend named Jerry? No? Uh... Mike? Yeah! Yeah, it was Mike. You should like, stop talking to him, and never mention that this ever happened, because you're mad.

He Also Peed On Your Bed

He totally did. That's why your sheets might smell like urine now. How do I know that? I, uh... I... I saw him do it. That was where I drew the line. He did that, and I was like, "Get out!" And he left. But that's why your bed could be damp. Not because of me doing anything, it was totally, totally Mike. I think he killed your cat, too.