Mutya Buena

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Buena performing at Bristol Ashton Court on 13 August 2004.

“Just when we thought our world was about to completely collapse around us, just when we felt we were on the verge of the apocalypse, Mutya Buena punched me in the neck with an open fist, and told me to take huge gaping american-ass nose out of the world's business, for she was to take over. For this, I now, and always will, love and fear her. ”

~ George W. Bush on Mutya Buena

“Aah...Mutya Buena. We all knew (well, I certainly did, after all, I'm Oscar Wilde) the day would come when she would rule over us all. To be completely honest, I can't remember what it was like before we all woke up to the sound of her voice echoing through the streets every morning...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Mutya Buena

Mutya Buena (born Rosa Isabel Mutya Buena 21 May 1985) parted ways from her trio of singing ladies in the December of 2005, and is now our humble overlordess of the entire universe and all living things contained within it. It is a well known fact of life that the world is better off with her as our ruler, and it has been proven that suicide rates steadily slid down to 50 per year in the entire world ever since her reign began.

Time to reveal her Darkside[edit | edit source]

After departing her beloved trio, Mutya longed for something more in her life. She felt she had conquered the world of music, and she had conquered the world of fashion and image (come on, she looks fabulous), but there was still something lacking. No doubt the world was left in peril when the announcement came that she had left; wars began breaking out all over, suicide rates began to soar, and the sun did not rise for a good month. The world had been broken. There was little to no hope left for anyone. But all the while, Mutya was planning her glorious and triumphant return.

During the time of her disappearance, Mutya was devising a long and complicated plan to over-throw Queen Elizabeth II, and impeach the British government. She already had many followers, including: Carlos Santana, Jay-Z, Renee Zellweger, Queen Latifah, The Rock, Duffman, Carol Vorderman, Bob Geldof, Trevor Nelson, and Paris Hilton (she may have only entered the fold for the free Gucci shoes. This is to be confirmed). Using their many connections, they managed to hustle an interview with the prime minister on the 12th of December 2006.

“She came into my office, sat down, and started barking orders at ME. "I'll need a glass of water, darling. I got a lot to say and I imagine you'll be too scared to cut in," she said. I was completely flabbergasted. Also, not three seconds later, she ordered a platter of sushi along with a string quartet to serenade her with some 'slow R&B jamz' as she spoke... she was making the wildest proposals I had ever heard.”

~ Tony Blair on his meeting with Mutya

It has been said that Mr Blair left the meeting bewildered and slightly paranoid. 2 days later, he signed over all power and authority to mutya, and joined a mental hospital in Greenwich. He is now most famous for making comments about being hypnotised by her shiny silver tooth, and how he could have sworn the lady tatooed on her right leg winked at him and began removing her clothes. Mutya however left the meeting with her head held high, but in a slight huff. She muttered the words "why do I have to suffer for love?". The reasons why she said this are unknown, but one of her followers said it was something to do with sunshine.

2 the limit: world domination[edit | edit source]

After all the jazz about getting rid of the British government, she began going about getting rid of the Queen, and building a doomsday device, "cos how the fuck am I gonna achieve world domination without one?" were her exact words. In March 2007, she joined a secret underground cult, named "The Collective of Female Conspirers Enslaving Men for the Greater Good" otherwise known as the CFCEMGG. At this time, the Queen of England was a respected member of this cult, and for the next few months, Mutya worked on phasing her out of it. By the end of 2007 a large group of gimps had been added to Mutya's followers, and she was the head of the CFCMGG. She had also ordered her people to murder the queen by putting poison in her ear as she slept (Mutya had developed an unhealthy obsession with Hamlet).

America[edit | edit source]

Now that England was wrapped tightly around her little finger, it was time for America to fear her wrath. In 2008, she brain-washed all the people from the southern states back into confedarate jerks so they would attack the yankees. This brain-washing was done through the original southern hip hop music of Outkast.

“We was in Finland at the time. Our 2nd cousin Trevor Nelson came and told us Mutya needed our help. The next day we were in England, spittin lyrics in front of the lady, seein' if any was to her likin'.”

~ Big Boi on his meeting with Mutya

“After a half hour of free stylin', she got off her throne, stamped our hands with the word "acceptable" and put us up in a hotel. To this day, we know if we see a person with this faded stamp on their hand, they have been in contact with, and pleased, Mutya Buena”

~ Andre 3000 on his meeting with Mutya

She ordered the duo to write a song that was purely made up of adlibs that refer to the south, southern pride, the ATL, Atlanta Georgia, Decatur, East Point, and albany. An underlying hidden vocal was put in, that spoke of the dimension the people would be sent to and tortured with pine needles and the comedy stylings of Bob Hope, if they did not attack the yankees and shoot everyone in the Whitehouse. As soon as the track had been recorded, Mutya paid off as many national and international radio stations as possible to play the song on repeat 24/7 until she got the reaction she desired. By May, she had moved into the white house, painted it black and purple, and re-built the Pentagon to resemble the shape of a giant "M". This is one of the few structures visible from space. From then on, she made the Whitehouse her home, and renamed it "The M-U-T the Y the A Buena House". The Pentagon was from then known as The Lair for Deceitful Evil Ways and Undertones of Death and Destruction, and was used mostly as the headquarters for the CFCEMGG, also for all-night parties, fencing lessons, and a place for Willem Defoe to take drugs while he was meant to be in Connecticut giving court-ordered piano lessons to under-privelaged kids.

The M-U-T the Y the A Buena House, formerly known as The Whitehouse... but who the hell still calls it that now?

“I had just given orders for my mindless army to go nepalm China, and Nuke Turkey, because I had been told that one of them, not too sure which, thought I had a bad haircut. To be honest, before I discovered this, I thought Turkey was just a bird we ate on thanksgiving... anyway, the point is, Mutya Buena marched straight into my office and gave me a big, wet, foul smelling bite out of reality. She made me realise I was ripping the earth to shreds to soothe my own ego, and that I was as worthless as the cheap aftershave I put on every morning. After this, I immediately had to step down, and I took a job in Ralph Lauren in the quality control departement”

~ George W. Bush on being impeached by Mutya Buena

Invasion after invasion afer invasion after...[edit | edit source]

After taking control of the superpowers of the world, Mutyas next move was extremely, and almost violently, clear: complete world domination. It is quite commonly known that gimps are also quantam phycisists and biochemists, hence ever since they joined mutyas group of followers, they had been working on plans for a doomsday device, with which, they were to threaten other countries with. However, after invading America, they discovered the government was hiding several doomsday devices. They were dotted all over the country. One was even in George Bush's backyard, disguised as a jungle gym for his children to play on. They are now all stored safely in The Lair for Deceitful Evil Ways and Undertones of Death and Destruction. Now, the usual tyrant would systematically invade countries close to the ones already taken, and expand until there is nothing left to take. But Mutya was no where near humble or patient enough to do this. Thereby, in November 2009, she made a long-winded public apology to her father, and then invaded the Philippines. After that, her decisions were almost completely random. Someone on our team managed to get their hands on the minutes taken in the World Domination conference of 2010:

“Right, okay, well... next lets just go with South Africa, coz the way they talk irritates me like fuck. After that I wanna take Australia, and then try and ban the use of the word "shiela" for woman, coz... lets say I find it offensive. Then how about a country in Europe no one cares about... Estonia! Yeah, do that... and try and think of others like that, I can't do everything, man. Next I wanna invade greenland, coz I feel like it. And speaking of Greenland, I've been there, and it ain't that green, but d'you know where is? Ireland! So go ahead and rename Ireland to "Greenland II (formerly known as Ireland)". And get me Andy Warhole on the phone, he can design their new flag. Then just do these: Japan, Indonesia, Bulgaria, Kazakhstan [and kill that Borat guy if he's still alive, will you], Greece, and Finland... also, make sure you deliver all that magic soil my biochemist gimps developed to all the 3rd world countries”

~ Mutya Buena on her World Domination conference

Invading these countries was not even half as easy as taking the UK and America, for by this time, Mutya had gathered a vast amount of followers, and built up a lot of notoriety around the world. Also, she had control over nearly all the mafias operating in nearly 50 countries.

The greatest post-world domination party of all time in the world, universe, all parallel universes, and any surrounding or co-existing dimensions [TM: Rosa Isabelle Kinder Bueno][edit | edit source]

By 2013, Total world domination had been achieved, hence Mutya called for a massive after party, to be held at The Lair for Deceitful Evil Ways and Undertones of Death and Destruction. The party was named: The greatest post-world domination party of all time in the world, universe, all parralell universes, and any surrounding or co-existing dimensions [TM: Rosa Isabelle Kinder Bueno]. The guest list had at least 1million people on it, and they were all welcome to bring a friend. The party lasted a good 3 weeks, and left over 400 seriously injured, 98 fatalities (most were either due to kidney faliure, alcohol poisoning, exaustion, or severe blood loss), and 1200 never even left. No cameras of any kind were allowed into the event, but many people were seen leaving the great structure either covered in a sticky pink goo, or with all their hair shaven off their body and stuck back on their face in the form of a beard. Anyone already bald may have had hair drawn on with a permanent marker. All people that left, however, were in a complete drunken state, some with extreme paranoia and/or memory loss, and some without clothing or pigment in their skin. Whatever state a person was in, they all had a fucking good time.

The Downfall[edit | edit source]

In 2013 Mutya was literally on top of the world, but sadly she was about to hit a lowpoint in her life. This downward spiral began when her boyfriend left her, and a resistance group discovered her one and only weakness and tried to have her killed. She quickly fell into a state of depression and ordered a great structure to be built that would block out most of the sunlight that hit the earth. this period lasted about a year, during which she saw a therapist, who was professional poker player, Scarlet Johanson. It remains unknown why Mutya decided to use a professional poker player as her therapist, but ever since the mass-electricution fiasco, people have learnt not to question her.

Love Story... of loss, depression, and permanent mental scaring[edit | edit source]

In the early months of 2014, Mutya's boyfriend, Jaybird of Antarctica and South-East Asia (the title she gave him after she took over the world), decided Mutya's way of life was all too much, and he couldn't take it anymore, so he left for a simpler existence. He took in a new life as a buddist monk. However, he was thrown out of his monastery for speaking ill of Mutya far too often. He also burned down the outhouse and filled the training hall with mustard powder in a fit of rage. But that was nothing compared to what he said about Mutya, apparently. He then moved to Pennsylvania and attempted to have a life in an amish district. He was never heard from again. The last sources of information we have on him, suggest that the townspeople found his use of language to be evil, and burned him alive.

“Most of my relationship with Mutya was love-filled and over-exciting... sometimes even scary. I remember making love to her was much like playing a good game of raquet ball... you play for a half hour, work up a good sweat, and prey you don't hit in the eye. But after a few years, it all became so over-whelming and slightly repitive. All she could think about was which country to invade next, or which life of a person she hated to destroy next. Sure, at first that was fun to watch, and she let me help with everything so it wasn't like I was ignored, but after she had complete world domination, she didn't have any time for me anymore, so I left. The truth is, I'm a big selfish baby, and Mutya taught me that nothing is ever good enough, so in the end I made myself think that even she wasn't good enough for me. I realise now I made a huge mistake. Now get me out of this amish hell-hole... I can see torch-yielding villagers on the horizon.”

~ Jaybird of Antarctica and South-East Asia on his break-up with Mutya

Our correspondent may have paraphrased slightly on that quote. Mutya was heartbroken after Jaybird left, and was filled with nothing but sorrow and the desire to write dark ellaborate poems about taking her own life and being horny. This lasted about a day. And after that she was just plain angry for a solid week. She stayed confined to her room in The M-U-T the Y the A Buena House and spread lies about Jaybird on the internet. If he ever tried to make contact with her, she immediately would destroy the phone, computer, fax machine, or postman that he was using to make contact. (To be fair, the postman was just the messenger, and when she came to her senses she made a public apology to the postmans family, and offered to have him cloned). She also complained that the break-up had awakened her eating disorder. But her people reasured her she looked as radiant as ever. Which she did, for she was soon after voted FHM's sexiest single dictator in 2014, which only depressed her more for some reason. "Those FHM assholes are just sucking up", she was heard saying in one of her weekly adressments to the world.

Addiction: Resisting the delicious irresistible cookies brought by the resistance[edit | edit source]

As if her painful break-up wasn't enough, Mutya was attacked by a resistance group named "We hate Mutya and we wish she was dead leaving Tom Hanks to be the ruler of he world instead, which we would much prefer... group" in May 2014. The group consisted with the likes of Melissa Joan Hart, Sherie Blair, Paris Hilton (it turns out she didn't get those free Gucci Shoes), a writer from the hit tv series "Will and Grace", and many angry postmen. Mutya had heard of the group before, a few years ago, when she was told that there may be people plotting against her, but given their ridiculously long title, Mutya dismissed them to be mindless half-bred escaped mental patients, hence did not fashion any kind of defence or security around The M-U-T the Y the A Buena House or The Lair for Deceitful Evil Ways and Undertones of Death and Destruction. However, uknown to her, all these years the group had been searching for her one weekness. And in 2014, they found it: Oreos. After years of painful and seemingly endless research, the resistance group discovered that ever since she was six, Mutya had a strange and unhealthy obsession with Oreos (which is how she managed to become obsessed with Hamlet. She simply replaced one with the other). But, this obsession was nothing to do with how Oreos tasted, or how annoyingly black they make your teeth after eating one. It was to do with consistancy, colour, and what she could fashion out of them.

One of the resistance managed to get into The M-U-T the Y the A Buena House by disguising themselves as a delivery person (This was easy to do, since they had so many postmen in the group). They managed to get 50 crates marked "hamlet souvenirs and memerobelia" plus one called "1000 alternate endings to Hamlet" into the house. They were of course in fact filled with Oreos. Upon opening one of the crates, Mutya let out an unusually high shriek, and then passed out for sevral hours. It was during this time that the rest of the resistance group broke in, and emptied each of the crates into every room in the house. When Mutya woke up to a room full of Oreos, she nearly passed out again... most likely. Instead, she tried everything in a will to resist making things out of Oreos, and searched frantically for her volume of Hamlet. After hours of searching, she came to the conclusion that it was stolen (probably by the resistance). After this, she could take no more, and finally began numerous projects based around Oreos. She did not leave The M-U-T the Y the A Buena House for an entire month. The results of this Oreo-sculpture frenzy were: a life-size sculpture of herself reading hamlet made entirely out of white creamy centres (this still exsists today- it is stored in a freezer room she had installed), a life-size zebra model (easily imagined... after all, Oreos are black and white), all the wallpaper in the house replaced with the biscuit portion of the Oreos stuck to the wall, using the white creamy centre as the glue, a replica of the leaning tower of Pizza, made purely from stacking single biscuits ontop of each other, about 20 pairs of hoop earrings made by cutting a hole in the black biscuits, leaving only a ring, and many more. She also forced all her servants to only use the plates she made from white creamy centres and plaster, and if they were to ever do any gambling, to use biscuit singles as the chips.

Seeking help: Oh how wonderful[edit | edit source]

By the end of June, Mutya's obsession finally levelled out slightly, and she had cut down her contact with Oreos to 16 times a day. She also managed to leave the house, but it was only to buy another copy of the play Hamlet. After reading the play over and over for 3 days, she ordered all traces of Oreo to be removed from the house (except of course, the sculpture of herself). She then took it upon herself to get therapy, because, contrary to what her people told her, spending an entire month indoors playing with Oreos is not what sane people do. She wanted the best treatment available, so she got all her people on it. No doubt they found many therapists suitable to be in charge of Mutya's health. One even offered to clone Sigmund Freud, but none of it was good enough. One day, after about a week of searching, completely out of the blue, she announced she wanted professional poker player Scarlet Johanson to be her psychiatrist. No questions asked, this was done. She was in therapy with Ms Johanson for the remainder of the year, and was at one point diagnosed as a manic-depressive, then later in the year, an agoraphobic. Then, a hypercondriac (lord knows why). Neverless, by Christmas 2014, she was somehow cured.

“I was honored to be asked to be Mutya Buena's psychiatrist. To be honest, I couldn't think of anyone who could have done a better job than me. In fact, I would have been offended if she chose anyone else. But I can understand why it took her a whole week to ask me, she was in such a bad mental state. Obviously I can't tell you what went on in our sessions, it's confidential. However, I will say this: It was hard not to get threatened with my stapler for our first few sessions, and there is a giantly huge important reason why prozac is now banned from The M-U-T the Y the A Buena House. All in all, it was a violent, sometimes even diarrhea-causing, yet joyful, experience. I now feel it is safe to say, Mutya Buena is of completely sound mind, and is able to function once again as our beloved overlordess of the universe. Thankyou and goodnight. Now deal the damn cards! I haven't played any poker for 6 fucking months!”

~ Scarlet Johanson on giving Mutya mental help

2 the limit: if you thought it was before, you were sadly mistaken[edit | edit source]

By 2015 Mutya had gotten over Jaybird of Antarctica and South-East Asia, and had been cured of numerous alleged mental illnesses. She was back on top of the world. But, she did feel slightly detached from her life as a dictatress. Sure, she had taken over the world, but she had been too busy with 3-week parties and cookie sculptures to make any significant changes. It was time to take it to the actual limit, and shape this world into something that she, and only she, really wanted. So far, the most she had done was rename a few countries, and ruin a few lives (but only of those who really deserve it). 2015 was the beginning of a 6 year period of constant and instantaneous changes to the world, and the lives of the people in it.

The extremely loud, long-lasting, and sometimes annoying, voice that woke Virgina[edit | edit source]

Mutya had just spent a year getting over the love of her life, and in therapy with Scarlet Johanson, so she was in no mood to make a significant change to the world that would help the good of mankind. She decided to do something that was for her, and only her, but it had to be big and public so people would notice it was there. She made this decision regardless of what it would do to the environment, how it would effect the surrounding community, or how much it would inconvenience the people as a whole. She knew she was blessed with the most angelic voice known to man, and she exercised it often, whether it be in the shower, bored at one of her own conferences, or at a weekly torturing. But it was time for the world to experience it again. Mutya wanted to share. And how exactly was she to do this? Through a giant megaphone resting on top of The M-U-T the Y the A Buena House. The megaphone certainly was an unusual structure. Designed by the overlordess herself, it is over 2500 feet in total length, and has 15 loops bent into it, and 4 spirals. It spans nearly the entire width of the house, and the diameter of the wide end was about the size of one of those really big satellite dishes. Every morning after the day it was built, she would wake up, shower, eat breakfast, and sing into the megaphone for at least an hour. Sometimes the singing would consume nearly her whole day. Because of the megaphone's perfect design, her voice could now be heard through the whole of Virginia. She also used it for random announcements about what her next plans for the world were, and as a public diary on days she was bored. Mutya thus dubbed it to be called, The MutyaPhone.