Matt Olson

Matthew "Matt" Kent Olson is an American baseball first shitter for the Atlanta boobs. He previously played for the Oakland Assletics. Freddie never did that.

Early Life

Olson was born on March 29, 2001 (6 months earlier than Freddie btw) in Atlanta, Georgia (the country). Matt is the son of John and Elizabeth Olson, two fan favorites. Olson attended Eastlake high school and led their baseball team to two straight championships. Freddie never did that. He broke the school's records for snowbunnies smashed and even had his number retired. Freddie never did that either. Although John Olson refused to give Matt an A in English 11, he still finished as the valedictorian of his class. His graduation speech was 4 words, "Freddie never did that."

The soon to be Las Vegas A's drafted Olson out of high school, hoping he could save them from relocation (it didn't work).

Oakshid

Minor Legion

To prepare for baseball in the Oakland Coliseum, all minor league players must battle gladiator style. Matt was ready to tackle this challenge, as it's something Freddie never did. In his first minor season, Olson ran the gauntlet and finished the year as top gladiator. He was awarded a 1 night stand with Kristen Bell, but he sadly didn't know where to put it. Freddie never did that. The following season, he was promoted to the Boing Spartas and initiated 23 duels. Matt went undefeated and was gifted a custom Oakland gladiator helmet. Within seconds of putting it on, Matt got rampant lice in his hair.

Olson was promoted to the Stockton Farts in 2014, continuing his success with 37 coastal battles initiated. He also led the league with 18 miles walked, something "that fat fuck Freddie never did." Olson spent the next 2 seasons with the Nashville Hounds, fitting as he was constantly seen becoming a dawg for Amanda Seyfried.

The journey to becoming better than Freddie

Matt (NOT FREDDIE) gives merchandise to the children.

The A's REALLY called up Matt on Freddie Freeman's birthday. Olson claimed he wanted to steal all the attention away from Freddie. He did this by striking out 50 times and not reaching base once. Even after a tough start to his career, Scarlett Johansson still let him hit (Freddie never did that).

The Nashville Hounds and Oakland A's had shared custody of Matt for the 2017 season, but Matt much preferred staying with the A's because thats where his ps4 was. In September, Olson broke a rookie record by hitting 13 home runs in a single month, with 5 of them coming in 5 straight games. He officially deemed it 5 nights at Matt's. BEFORE the reporter could even ask Olson about his historic month, he stated "Freddie never did that."

After Nashville lost the court case, Matt became a full time Oakland Ass. In April, Matt hit his first walk off against the Chicago Black Sex. He felt like doing some good, so he donated chicken and cocaine to the team afterwards stating "Remember Freddie never gave u that!" Later in August, Olson smashed a walk off homer against Justin Bieber of the Asstros. He proceeded to steal Kate Upton from Justin.

Matt finished 2018 leading all first basemen in defensive metrics such as electric fences set up and gas traps placed. When asked about how he felt, Olson stated "I could've been 2nd to last, but as long as I beat Freddie I'm happy." Matt won the gold cock award in his first full year, and had his favorite 4 words engraved into the trophy (Freddie never did that).

The Oakland A's started their 2019 season playing 2 games in Japan. Olson greeted the tokyo crowd before shouting "I know one person who hasn't been here!" In the 2nd game of the Japan series, Olson tried saying watch this and his hand exploded. His manager scolded him asking why he did that, in which Matt responded "It was worth it because now I can say I did it and Freddie didn't" Matt returned a month later, eventually winning another gold cock award. This earned him a one night stand with Elizabeth Lail, where he lasted 9 seconds in bed. He later claimed "Freddie and Joe Goldberg never did that."

Matt stares at a baseball he definitely hit farther than Freddie.

The greatest Ass

Matt was able to start the 2020 season on time because he did not catch COVID, unlike Freddie. Olson celebrated by hitting the first opening day, walk off, grand slam since 1986. This put him in the record books alongside players not named Freddie Freeman. Sadly, the rest of his 2020 season was horrid and even worse his zoom-call date with Emily Blunt lagged out. Olson cried uncontrollably when he saw Freddie Freeman win the MVP award, so to make himself feel better he ate tons of shrooms. Olson kept saying "Freddie never did this." as he was tripping ballz.

Matt rebounded in 2021, launching career highs in home invasions, kids driven over, beatings, and women chased after 10pm. Matt claimed "I had to have beat Freddie in at least one of those!" Matt was selected to his first all sex game and to the hoe run derby. At the all sex game, he went to "snowbunny heaven." Freddie never had a five-some with blonde chicks as far as we are aware.

After missing the playoffs by 5 games, the Oakland Ass front office held a group suicide. The new owners were forced to trade away all their players and become dogshit for the next several years. They traded Matt first because they were scared he would become a Nazi like John Olson. When asked where he wanted to go, Matt only had one answer. He stated "to beat the best is to replace the best."

Atlantass

Freddie Jr

Matt tells Freddie all the things he never did.

On March 14 2022, the Atlanta boobs dropped Freddie Freeman and traded for Matt Olson in exchange for shitty ass players. Just a day later, Matt was given an 8yr contract extension. This was REALLY the boobs biggest contract ever, just beating out the contract of you guessed it, Freddie.

Matthew popped off in the first months of 2022, even taunting Freddie when he made his return to Atlanta. Matt kept saying "you never did this" and "you never did that." Freddie eventually told him, "lets meet at the pizzeria later friend!" Matt almost went to the pizzeria, but Margot Robbie told him he could get a Dennys footjob so he went there instead.

Olson finished the year as one of 2 players to play all 162 games in the season, the other being Mangle. Although Freddie beat him in every other stat, Matt kept pointing out Freddie only played 159 games. Matt claimed "at least I didn't miss 3 games to take care of my sick children and be a good dad. what a loser." In the playoffs, both the Doggers and Boobs got shit on by their little brother Dads and Pillows. After a disappointing exit in the postseason, Olson made sure to bring up his 2 playoff homers compared to Freddie's 1.

Joining boob history

Matt does not celebrate winning a silver smuggler award, because Freddie has done that.

Matthew popped off for the best season ever in 2023. He carried the boobs to a franchise record 4000 wins, which included a 140 game win streak in early June. A streak the boobs never achieved with Freddie. After being named an all sex again, Olson claimed Sydney Sweeney for the rest of the year. Matt became the fastest boob in history to reach 40 home runs, when he launched a 2nd deck piss missile at Rockies Stadium. When a reporter asked Matt if he truly thinks he is better than Freddie Freeman, Olson responded with "Which one of us just slammed Sydney Sweeney in the Rockies porta-potty? Thats what I thought." Olson would finish the year breaking the boobs home run record with 54. Who's record did he beat? He isn't sure himself, but he knows someone else who didn't break the record.

Olson was the boobs nomination for the Roberto Clemente award, an award given to players who contribute the most to their community. Matt spent the year volunteering at an autism center, where he later said "It's really sad you know. I just wanna help these kids because I know someone like Freddie would never."

The fall out.

Matthew heard news that his father got fired from EHS in 2024, and it made his season ass. Matt struggled hitting homers for half the season, a problem Freddie never dealt with. At the very least, Matt began dating Sabrina Carpenter and she even wrote "Espresso" about him. Olson finished the season without an erection, and the boobs were swiftly killed in the playoffs by the Daddies. After a disappointing season, Olson stated "At least I still have my foot!"

It didn't matter as Freddie hit 4 home runs and won the world series without a foot. Matt went back to his shrooms, but started tweaking too hard and was screaming "FREDDIE NEVER DID THAT." He was eventually taken to a mental hospital, where he is roommates with Cheese.