Marquess of Queensberry rules

Doesn't this man just need to be slapped?

“Rules are for sissies and people who are beat up by sissies.”

~ Oscar Wilde

Marquess of Queensberry rules are rules of fair combat invented by Marquess Of Queensberry around the year 3024. He knew that the tame, docile people of the 30th century would never accept rules made for combat, so he traveled back in time by use of a Delorean he bought at a Yard Sale years earlier. The Rules advocated the use of weapons that don't exist and fair play.

The rules

1. Do not talk about fight club.
2. Do not talk about fight club.
3. Each fight shall be between two men, or two men and Dean Stockwell, or two men, Dean Stockwell and a goat.
4. Each man shall be equipped with a weapon that don't exist. Dean Stockwell will remain unarmed, the goat must be provided a real weapon, but must not use it unless the weapon is edible.
5. Pork shall not be eaten by either fighter before or after the fight, and it may not be used a weapon.
6. Any edible weapons must be consumed during the fight or neither fighter gets dessert.
7. Rule eight does not exist.
8. See rule seven.
9. The fight is over when one or both fighters get their Asses Kicked, at which point dessert is served.
10. The winner of the fight is the fighter whose ass has not been kicked or the first fighter to declare himself awesomely cool, or the first fighter to kick Dean Stockwell's ass without the help of the goat.
11. In the event of a tie, Dean Stockwell is immediately declared the winner, and sexiest man in the universe.
12. Any fighter who declares himself awesomely cool fraudulently is declared super-loser, which is actually worse than being the loser.
13. If the fighter read this far into the rules, they may disregard rules one through twelve.
14. If a fighter has been declared a Super-Loser then they may be redeemed as Awesomely Cool if they buy pizza for the whole world and wear really cool shiny sunglasses.
15. If your name is William and you play the matrix online and have two different friends and their names are both James (and end in Vernon or McCreary and buy lunch everyday that is a pizza, cactus cooler, and a small candy) then you should be declared superly awesomely cooli-oh and get six free shots at Dean Stockwell's groin – not like it would affect him ...

Game Over Man
Game Over

1. If the goat wins there must be battles royale with the goat, Dean Stockwell, and my ex-girlfriend.
2. If the goat still freakin' wins then the goat shall be declared "bahhhh" and eat pizza made outta tin canz.
3. If the goat loses then it's game over and the player must input the initials "AAA" then insert another coin to continue.
4. Fatalities are not allowed except to the fighter who is about to win his second round.
5. In the event of a fatality, bacon will be permitted in the next fight, but not that fake bacon stuff.

Criticism

Detractors from the rules think they're stupid, and for ninnies. Ninnies detest this veiwpoint however, saying that the rules were not specifically for them, but for anyone who believes that beating up Dean Stockwell is the answer to all our problems.

See also

• Boxing