MLB Shidfest

The Recruiter from Squid Games is a very handsome Asian gentleman. He did not die after shooting himself in the head, he was just placed on the 5 day IL. Now he has been tasked with convincing dummies across the MLB to play shid gamez.

Big Meat Pete

Pete Alonso is a fat baseman for the New York Mest. He has earned the nickname "The BiPolar Bear" due to the sexual mood swings he experiences after eating cheeseburgers.

Alonso was born in Tampa Bay, Florida, and REALLY played high school baseball with schizophrenic Kyle Tucker. Similarly to Tucker, Alonso was also spawn camped by Wander Franco. Alonso digested every ball hit towards him as Kyle Tucker got slutty in the outfield. Tucker would sometimes tell Alonso "I think theres a guy inside me," in which Pete responded with "Gay ahhh."

Its all about the Mets baby woohoo Mets

Alonso screams after a wasp goes up his ass.

The Mest selected Alonso 64th overall, which was the number of meals Pete had that day (It was 11am). Alonso was sent to the Vegas Gamblers to lose all his money, but Alonso instead hit the very last home run ever at Vegas Stadium. That is, until the A's move there. After celebrating by jumping at home plate, the stadium collapsed to rubble and Alonso was neutered.

The Mest brought up Pete to the big, very big, leagues in 2019. Although he couldn't run to 1st base in less than 5 hours, Alonso had raw power to destroy baseballs out of the stratosphere. Alonso became the first pookie in MLB history to serve himself 11 extra plates. By the all sex break, Alonso broke Cody Bellinger's record of 26,000 pot brownies eaten. Alonso was named an all sex reserve, but couldn't attend because he didn't fit through the doors.

On July 8, Alonso won his 1st obesity derby, narrowly beating Fatty Guerrero Jr of the Blue Gays. Pete eventually set a pookie record 53M calories eaten. Alonso won Pookie of the Year after receiving 29/30 votes. The only voter who didn't pick Pete was Kanye West, because "fat bitches disgust me."

In the COVID season, Alonso struggled as he couldn't go to McDonalds and order his usual 80 big macs. Danny of Yahoo Sports called it "a season to forget." Alonso responded with "forget this buddy" as he whipped out his 2 incher in front of Danny's kids.

Quaking God

In 2021, Alonso won his 2nd obesity derby, proving himself to be a safety concern on roller coasters. By September, Alonso became the 2nd fastest player to use "ITS CLOBBERIN TIME" 100 times, only behind CaseOH. After the season, Alonso signed a 1 yr 7M pounds of pasta contract. He went through it all in one week.

Alonso after he is refused a 7th meal at the funeral.

Early in 2022, Alonso was clipped on Insta Reels after getting in a car crash in Tampa Bay. He got T-boned by Jose Siri, who was distracted driving because he was watching Talk Tuah. In the first week of Ramadan, Pete ate his first career grand salami sandwich, prepared with 3 bottles of oil.

After being named an all sex again, Alonso went for the obesity derby three peat. Sadly, this time he lost out to Juan Soto who ate 60 kilotons of guacamole. Pete finished the season with a new Mest record of 125 heart attacks. He helped them win a playoff game against the San Diego Paddies after hitting a homer off Nick Martinez, my cousin. Unfortunately, the blessing of Daniel Camarena was too powerful and the Padres advanced to kiss men.

Its also worth noting a video Alonso made, where he REALLY says "Hey! How's it going? I'm Pete Alonso with the New York Mets, and if you're watching this, you just lost to the San Diego Padres!" He soon realized that might not have been a smart video to make...

Too Big to Handle

Alonso crushed small animals throughout 2023, leading to a season disapproved by PETA. Alonso once again failed to win the obesity derby as Fatty Guerrero Jr tripled his milkshake consumption. While still having strokes at an above average rate, the crack in Pete's butt started to show.

Early into 2024, Alonso was offered a 7 year 156 million meal swipes contract extension. Pete refused though, as he planned to get 300M meal swipes and a Dirty Birds discount later that year. In 2024, Alonso was mid and lost in the obesity derby yet again. He tried to kill himself after the loss, but he couldn't fit the noose around his neck. He stayed with the Mest for the postseason, where he famously drank 3 megatons of beer against the Milwaukee Drunks, eliminating them from planet earth.

Alonso set out into Free Shittery looking for an unhealthy diet. He almost got it with the Toronto Blue Gays, but he failed the physical as he couldn't run a quarter mile in 90 days. With no team willing to risk tipping the group plane over, Alonso returned to the Mest on a 2 yr 54 meals a day contract. This was way too few meals for him, and he became depressed.

It would seem Alonso needs some money to buy food...

Dadley

Adley Rutschman is a Fratboy Catcher for the Baltimore Golden Oreos. Rutschman was created in a snowbunny laboratory, where scientists work on producing blonde 20 year olds with lethal face cards. Other famous people produced here are Logan Paul, Sue Storm, Sydney Sweeny, and Leonardo Castaneda.

Adley famously won the College World Series for Gravity Falls University. He won WS MVP after trapping Bill Cipher in his brain and forcing him to die from lack of activity.

Sweet Dreams are made of these

The Oreos used all of their draft picks to collect white boys like infinity stones. The took Adley first overall, as they were impressed with his ability to pull baddies AND maintain a 0.98 GPA. Upon joining the Orioles, Adley founded his Fraternity "Sigma Sigma Sigma." The criteria for joining was relatively simple, all you had to do was fail an IQ test and also not be black.

Dadley was originally going to start his career in April 2022, but he injured his triceps trying to curl 400 pound dumbbells in front of the huzz. Rutschman eventually made his debut in late May after bombing his Egyptian painting final exam. He collected a triple vape in his first at bat, and was greeted with "Yuhhhhs" from his fratboys.

The emergence of Adley led the Oreos to get blackout drunk. They were in prime position to reach 1000 insta followers, but in September Adley's parents banned him from hosting street parties. He threw both socially and academically, leading to a group suicide of Sigma Sigma Sigma. Adley finished 2nd place for pookie of the year behind Julio Rod. Devastated, Adley used this as an excuse to cheat on his girlfriend (he was going to do it anyway).

Yogurt Sigma Sigma

The Oreos helped rebuild Adleys frat, which he now called Yogurt Sigma Sigma. Adleys new co-leader was Gunnar Henderson, who really liked guns. They became friends in the middle of a farm animal studies final, where Adley was struggling. Gunnar yelled out "Josh Allen!" and Adley realized the answer was Goat.

How Adley looks at you when you say you want to do homework instead of party at 2am on a Wednesday.

In the first game of the season, Adley set MLB history by being the first player to go 5-0 in drunk party fights. Dadley and Gunner went on sensational 2 mans, bagging all the fine shyts while doing that teeth licking move. This came at the cost of their calculus grades, as they still didn't know wtf a "cosign" is. By the all sex break, the Oreos were top frat and raised millions for charity. There was no charity, Adley would use the money to buy onlyfans subrscriptions.

Adley was named an all sex in 2023, but he was disappointed Gunnar skipped the all sex game to study for his Apex Legends weapons test. Rutschman finished the year winning a Silver Spooner award, while Gunnar won pookie of the year. The male snowbunnys went into the playoffs loaded on creatine, but they're massive dongs wouldn't save them from the ass whooping the Texas Unc's gave them.

Yogurt Sigma Sigma brought in even more blonde boys, leading to beautiful group sex. Gunnar learned the right stroking pattern for Jerkmate, leading to a near MVP season. Dadley began the season strong, being named an all sex and forcefully dragging Gunnar with him this time. The 2 cemented themselves as Oreo legends for bagging abgs that were under 4ft tall. Gunnar and Dadly were both expelled for skipping their Heterosexuality studies final.

In July, Adley put his hand in a blender for 5 bucks, leading to it getting shred apart. Rutschman finished the season getting no play, and Yogurt Sigma Sigma was shut down after the Kansas Shitty Royals found tons of fent mixed in the 100% alcohol drinks. The Oreos punished all their white babies by forcing them to drink one sip of spicy salsa. They all melted on the spot.

It would seem Adley needs some money to refund his fraternity...

Marcus Strokeman

Marcass Stroman is a liberal pitcher in the LGTMLB. Stroman attended Duke university, where he took some of the biggest shits ever seen. Stroman trademarked the phrase "Height doesn't measure Heart" as a way to show the world that despite being 3'10, he's still a massive jackass.

Toronto Blue-Party Gays

The Blue Gays were desperate for a diversity hire in 2012, and took the miniscule Stroman who had just finished glazing Obama. Within 2 months of getting drafted, Stroman was suspended 50 years after testing positive for Titties ringworm medicine. Stroman argued with the Blue Gays, saying "Its cuz Im black isnt it."

Stroman joined MLB in 2014 and reported 93 counts of prejudice until mid September when he was suspended another 60 years. This time he threw a 500mph baseball at Caleb Kipp for saying "I think everyone should be treated equally." Stroman tried to appeal his suspension, saying "If I was white this wouldn't be a problem." After the season, Stroman required knee surgery. Queue the meme.

Stroman after Trump won.

On September 11 2015, Stroman was an accomplice in a terrorist attack against the world trade center. He claimed this was deserved and it was revenge for the US enslaving his great grandpa's neighbor's cousin's fuck buddy 200 years ago. He went onto have a great 2016, fabricating an MLB record 800K fake ballots for Hillary Clinton.

Stromans testosterone peaked in 2017, as he was infuriated Donald Duck won presidency. He first infiltrated the US world baseball shitter team, similar to how he hopes illegals infiltrate the country. Marcus had to turn on fellow criminal Tim Anderson that year, as Stroman yelled at him for not stealing enough.

Before 2018, Stroman lost an arbitration case with the Blue Gays after he asked them to pay him 8 trillion dollars. Stroman REALLY went on Twitter to complain about this. "If I wasn't black, they would've made me a multi-trillionaire!" He claimed to use this as fuel for 2018, but he ended up being ass. He rebounded in 2019, and was an all sex. At the all sex game, Stroman went around giving abortions to every pregnant women, with or without their consent.

Peter and the Giant Chicken

In late July, the Blue Gays traded Stroman to the New York Pests in exchange for minorities. Before Stroman left Toronto though, yelling and screaming was REALLY heard by reporters outside the Blue Gays lair. While Stroman claimed the team was just having a "discussion," reporters still found it odd that they heard "YOU CANT STAND TO HAVE A [REDACTED] ON YOUR TEAM, CAN YOU?"

Stroman finished off a strong 2019 with the Mest, but everyone knew it was only a matter of time before Stroman would explode. His new teammate was Brandon Nimmo, and within seconds of meeting each other, casualties were reported. Stroman received 74 bullet wounds, and Nimmo was cancelled on Twitter.

Stroman opted out of the 2020 season, as he spent 24 hours of his day at BLM rallys. However, anytime Brandon Nimmo found him at one of these rallies he would put his knee on Stroman's neck. Marcus got the last laugh as Joeb Biden won the election. Stroman and Nimmo combined for 6 million fake ballots. Stroman had a good 2021 season, dedicating all of his wins to the angel of George Floyd. He would eventually break the all time riot record with 189 attended and 57 started. Brandon Nimmo would always have to lead his army of racist cops to battle Stroman's millennial women.

After becoming a free speech advocate, the Mest reportedly did not want to bring back Stroman and instead wanted a white guy named Robbie Gay who literally won best tickler award in 2021. Stroman went on twitter calling the Mest racist and REALLY liking a tweet that said "White people should be eradicated." Brandon Nimmo replied to all his tweets with "cry about it lil bro" before sending him videos of police brutality. The Mest didn't even sign Robbie Gay, they just wanted to ragebait Marcus.

Dicks and Yankings

Stroman sees a white person getting brutally attacked

Stroman opted to take off his pants in 2022 and 2023, pitching for the Cubs for 2 seasons. He changed his number to 0, partially to honor LJ Hoes, but also because he claims to have done 0 things wrong. He was named an all sex again, and tried to have sex with Rihanna but she refused. "Its cuz I'm black isn't it." Stroman also switched from the US team to the Puerto Rico team for the world baseball shitter, claiming he was done with this country after he didn't get a day off for Juneteenth.

Despite REALLY tweeting about how shitty the Yankees were for the last 5 years, Stroman signed with them in 2024 after they offered him a chance to assassinate Donald Duck. Marcus called Luigi to help train him for the assassination, but he was ultimately subdued by Brandon Nimmo who was doing 24/7 surveillance of his king. Stroman was ass for the Yankeers, and in late June called out his teammates for not rubbing his ballsack. In 2025, Stroman REALLY skipped training with his teammates, as he wouldn't be promised a one night stand with Kamala Harris. He claimed "if I was white, you would have gotten me in Kamala's pants already!"

It would seem Stroman needs some money to sue the Yankees over discrimination...

Mike the Land Shark

Mike Trout is a figuratively and literally cracked outfielder on the LA Angles. Trout, an 11x all sex 9x silver smuggler and 3x MVP winner, is regarded as one of the best ballers of the generation. Surely, he's been to the playoffs more than once. Right?

Rivals to the End

The Angles kidnapped Trout with the 25th overall abduction in 2009 as compensation for the New Mexico Yankees signing Mark from Hungary. Mike reached the big leagues in 2011 as a replacement for Peter Pettigrew. In his debut, Trout went 0 for 3, similar to how Paulo went 0-3 when choosing smart friends. Trout struggled in his first stint in the majors, but he at least KO'd Wellard with a NOM NOM NOM.

The following season, Trout locked in. In late June, Trout made a spectacular catch as he robbed Tom Hardy of a home run. Hardy was not happy, and showed Trout 19 inches of Venom. Trout finished the season with 45 KO's and 125 assists, awarding him with Pookie of the Year. "I'm ready for the playoffs!" Trout said, but he was sadly informed that the Angles won zero games. Trout put up more monster numbers in 2013, highlighted by his first time getting 4 KO's with 1 NOM NOM NOM. Trout finished with 111080 healing, and was named SVP for the Angles.

Trout does the Ryan Gosling thumbs up, pretending hes ok when hes not.

Before 2014, Trout signed a 6 year 144M shark food contract after the Angles told him they will start winning games. Mike thought he made a mistake signing when he struck out 4 times versus Max Scherzer. However, after taking lessons from Daniel Camarena, Trout became the GOAT and had his 1st MVP season. For the first time in MLB history, the Angles won baseball games and went to the playoffs. In his 1st playoff series, the Angles returned to normal and won no games. Despite getting one solo KO, Trout was dominated by Eric Hosmer and the Kansas City Snails. Its ok though, because Trout would be back to the postseason later. Right?

Purgatory

Trout became the fastest player to ever reach Grandmaster at just 2 years old. Trout won back to back all sex MVP's in 2014 and 2015, proving that he is a pervert. Trout was cracked with his 40 KO's and 90 Assists, but the LA Angles were not. All players besides Trout were suspended for pulling a "Julio Urias."

In 2016, Trout won his 2nd MVP after surpassing the MLB record with 315000 healing. Trout hoped that would be good enough for another postseason appearance, but it wasn't because the other Angle players were special needs. In 2017, Trout set more MLB records by being the fastest player to reach 1000 career KO's and set a 14 win streak for the Angles. The LA Angles finished the season with 14 wins.

Mike was on the verge of becoming the real life Punisher, but the Angles postponed his crisis by signing anime superstar Shohei Ohtani. Trout was so happy that there was somebody else who wasn't complete ass, so he introduced himself to Ohtani and his Interpreter. The interpreter responded to Trout back with "Shohei is excited to work with you but first he really needs money to gamble." In the most Angles fashion, Shohei Ohtani won Pookie of the Year, Trout was the best Strategist in the league, and the Angles missed the playoffs.

Being a big Philadelphia Sports fan, Trout attended the Eagles superbowel win in 2019. While in Pillowdelphia, Bryce Harper approached Trout with an offer to come play for "Samuel." While tempting, Trout declined the offer because the Angles pinky promised that they would really start winning now. Also, Trout gets massive erections around Ohtani. Its turns out the Angles lied as they won -65 games despite Trouts 3rd MVP. Ohtani wasn't nearly as upset as Trout was, because him and his interpreter were too busy gambling Mike's money.

In 2020, Trout got his 300th career NOM NOM NOM kill. However, he accidently captured his teammates with the ult and KO'd them all. Even in a shortened season, the Angles still won -100 games.

Becoming Ms Sacket

As Shohei continued his rise to the top of the casino, Trout began his descent into ashes. After starting the season with an 8 KO streak, Trout was placed on the 600 day IL after tearing his voicebox. He complained about "Baseball players who cant hit vs Baseball players who can hit" memes, depicting himself as ass while depicting a flaming Reese Mcguire as the GOAT. While expected to return in July, Trout couldn't connect to Oregon servers and was out for the year. Meanwhile, Shohei collected his 1st MVP after getting his hands on a fighter jet. The Angles finished with -700 wins.

Trout gets head from the same girl Anthony did.

In 2022, Angles manager Madden Football said they would consider moving Trout out of center boob and to side boob instead. Trout argued with his team, arguing he needed a full face of A-cups to be good. In a series versus the Seattle Mermaids, Trout became the first player to use 23 ults against one team in a week. This unfortunately caused his back to blow out from how hard he was carrying the team and he was placed on the 400 day IL. Shohei was having himself a jerktastic pitching season, as he had his interpreter count cards for him. The Angles finished with -950 wins.

In 2023, Trout played for the USA world shitter team. Since they are not the Angles, he was actually able to carry them and bring them to the championship game. Sadly, Trout struck out against Ohtani to clinch a Japan WW3 victory. "Lesss go u owe us $900M now." Shohei's interpreter said.

Trout accidently grabbed the baseball bat of great pain and suffering, ending his season after 1 day. Ohtani had lost $600M gambling, so he was motivated to get that playoff money. Despite winning another 7 MVP's in one year (time travelling), the Angles finished with -1300 wins. Trout approached Ohtani after the season telling him "Damn bro, it looks like WE are gunna be stuck on this shitty team forever." Ohtani turned to him, not even needing his interpreter...

"We? Whose we? There is no we." Ohtani said before time travelling away to the Doggers.

In 2024 Trout was depressed without Ohtani around, and would send him frequent text messages that sounded something like "You ever think about how we the 2 best players in the world. People would die to be where we are twin. How does that make u feel. Can u come back now twin. Twin. Can u come back twin."

After getting ghosted for 6 minutes, Trout leaked Shohei's gambling addiction to the world. Mike thought the Doggers would drop Ohtani and he would come back into his arms. Instead, Shohei sacrificed his interpreter to the hounds and he was taken into custody. Ohtani's interpreter would be sent to the phantom zone, where they house the pedos and gooners and wifebeaters. After just six games in 2024, Trout tore both testicles open running to 1st base. He watched from the 800 day IL as Shohei won many playoff games and a world series.

Trout decided to quit the LA Angles after the season, leading him to be in crippling debt. It would seem he needs some money...