Large Hard-on Collider

Press release date

August 4, 2008 -- Switzerland --

In an unexpected turn of events, the Large Hard-on Collider (LHC), a large particle collider in the Franco-Swiss border has created a black hole. But the black hole was not created directly by the collider.

Continued after the jump...

While the construction of the LHC had was applauded by many of the world's renowned particle physicists, such as Tu Tie Toffashrt and Ramuragavarapesh Pinnamunaniachi, and also by many gay support groups such as Graham Norton and Elton John but many other scientists have fiercely opposed the construction and operation of the LHC.

They claim that unknown catastrophic events may occur as a result of the operation, such as a black hole which may swallow the Earth. Scientists who are funding the LHC dismissed these claims a silly, as the energy required to create a black hole is simply not possible.

Pinnamunaaniachi stated, "It is simply not possible. Even if the entire mass of the Universe was converted into pure energy and fed into the LHC via a series of tubes it would not have enough energy to create a black hole".

Others have claimed that it is indeed possible. Physicist Thawarl Disendeng even created a Visual Basic GUI that showed how the LHC could, in fact, create a black hole and how it could even rip the space-time continuum creating a portal to an alternate dimension. His theory was widely dismissed at a conference. Since then, Professor Disendeng, has been seen at various hardware stores stocking up on red crowbars.

Earlier this afternoon, the LHC went into operation. As expected no black holes were created, however, a black hole did form near Chicago, IL.

The LHC created unknown particles which were then immediately attracted the largest mass in the solar system -- something known as Rosie O'Donnell. Rosie O'Donnell is a natural occurring phenomenon, that is rumored to have started in approximately 517 B.C. It was small at first, but the size and gravitational pull increased steadily.

Rosie O'Donnell resided in a plane of existence that was unknown to mankind. The particles created by the LHC traveled into this alternate dimension and collided with Rosie O'Donnell. Acting as a catalyst, these particles caused the two dimensions to merge. The particles created a cascade effect. The physicists at LHC attempted to stop this by reversing the polarity, however, it was too late.

Rosie O'Donnell, which was so massive, collapsed onto itself forming a black hole. As we speak, the world as we know it is being pulled into this black hole. Is this the end of Humanity?

Only time will tell.

Original synopsis (provided Aug. 5th)

The large hard-on collider was initially constructed as part of a project to collide very hard objects together in mid near light-speed acceleration in order to effectively create an infinite mass that would, in layman's terms, result in a black hole. Effectively, when the hard objects are "on", they are accelerated and ready for collision (abbreviated to 'hard-on' for short).

It was originally theorized that various hard objects might fall through the black hole to the 'other side'. It is now known that this other side is that of the entity known only as 'Rosie O'Donnell'. Because Rosie O'Donnell can only be contacted by access through the black hole by use of various hard objects with enough mass to maintain integrity in that dirty ol' black hole, the results are thought to be 'unthinkably weird' on any sort of terms.

This provides much speculation as to how inter-dimensional travel might become possible.

As such, scientists have begun having sex, which has led to further vast amounts of confusion amongst the entire project's team. Will enough sex lead to a shotgun discovery? We'll provide you with more information as events here unfold.

Final assertions (provided sometime around Aug. 8th)

In the end, turned out, scientists have determined that 'everything is okay after all, I guess?' and that it was therefore ok to stop engaging in full-blown sexual intercourse with each other. Why? After awhile the black hole just disappeared.

"That dirty ol' mistress didn't like us after all, turns out." One scientist speculated.

"I guess we weren't enough to tame it for the time being?" Decided another.

"Maybe we should make another?"

"Fools! We only planned on creating one! This will give us enough information as is!"

"Oh right, sorry."

"That was pretty fun though."

"Oh yah, totally."

So in the end, it's been established that everything is ok... we guess??? The black hole originating from Chicago disappeared, and it's been realized that the dimension now well-known among the scientific community as 'AJs Ego' has no semblance in our reality. But maybe in that other reality. Obviously further study will have to occur henceforth.

Actual Accounts of Activity in Preparation for the Forthcoming 'Real Thing' on Oct. 21

"I still looted 45 stores. I was using stuff I stole from the other stores to break into the next store. IT WAS FUCKING EPIC!!!!

Then I went and made a house from all the stuff I stole. You haven't live until you've live in a house made from TVs speakers, computers, and other random crap.

Now at least I can enjoy this stuff longer."

- VigilanteV