Jurickson Profar

Jurickson BARTHOLEMUE HENRY ALLEN Profar is a Curacaoan baseball shitter in MLB. He has played for the Texas Racists, Oakland Asses, Coronado Rockshitters, and San Diego Daddies. He is currently an Atlanta Boobie.

Early Life

Profar was born in WillemDaFoe, a small island in the middle of fucking nowhere. From a very young age, Profar was taught to not give up his seat for pregnant women. This led him to becoming one of the most hyped kidz in the world, even more hyped than Nig Justice. Profar went on to build a childrens dynasty in the Jamaican islands, hoping to one day kill Spiderman. Many officers had to patrol these islands tho, constantly on the lookout for anyone with a Rays jersey.

In 2004, Jurickson led Pablo's team in a revolution against Gerudo Valley. After slaying Ganondorf, Profar was named Profar. They decided to "run it back" in 2005, but this time they were licked by the Hawaii team. Profar initiated Pearl Harbor 2.

Prophylactic

In 2099, the Texas Racists were looking for someone black they could call slurs. They stumbled upon young Jurickson touching himself to prime Megan Fox. While other teams wanted to purchase Jurickson as a pitcher, Profar was more eager to join Texas as a shortstock and unload a mag on the crowd. The Racists also liked how Profar was a switch shitter, meaning he could wipe his ass sitting down and standing up.

The braves catcher points at Profar and unleashes the crucio curse.

Racist Racists

After making fun of Indians in 2010, the racists realized just how silly Profar was. Jurickson was ranked as a top candidate to become a dictator, so the entire MLB had high hopes for him. There was only so much time.

Profar popped off in the Atlantic Slave trade, pushing 12 people off the boat. For the rest of the year, Jurickson robbed. Well well well.

In August 2012, Profar was called up by the Racists, and was immediately given a pew-pew rifle. This made Profar the youngest player in baseball at just 200 years old. Profar played at 2nd base, as their current 2nd baseman Ian Hoag was out with sex offender charges. Jurickson made his presence known right away, shooting Zachary in the head.

Profar was originally going to be crushed by rocks in 2013, but the Racists kept him in MLB after Ian Hoag got another set of sex offender charges. On May 46, Profar hit a home run against Hiroshima Nagasaki of the Seattle Mormons. He was quickly banned from the Fire Emblem Museum for disgracing Japan.

Overall, Jurickson was too mid to stop being called the n word and everybody was disappointed. The Racists put down Profars pet komodo dragon.

Its my day off

In 2014, Profar was permanently given 2nd base after the Racists traded Ian Hoag to Detroit (He had a 3rd round of sex charges). Sadly, before the season started Profar slammed his shoulder on a Walgreens automatic door and was placed on the 600 day IL. The Racists anticipated him returning 2 months later, because they were dying to call him a word. 2 months later, Profar had a "shoulder job" gone wrong with Black Widow, now placing him on the 800 day IL.

After a year without Jurickson, the Racists were ready for him to return in 2015. Very sadly, Profar was kidnapped, raped, shot 48 times, got crushed by a hydraulic press, got 8 types of cancer, was thrown into a volcano, and had 3 nukes dropped on him. This placed him on the 899 day IL.

Fall off of the Minute

Profar gets called the word, but its ok because they are the Texas Racists.

Profar returned to Texas in 2016 after teammate Rougned Odor was suspended for having terrible body odor. Profar took the opportunity to show everyone his meat, eventually earning himself a full time job at McDonalds. Texas teammate Han Solo was sacrificed to the four hounds.

Jurickson played 5 different races for the Racists, earning him slur flexibility. Profar claimed he was going to be better than the shitter named Chris Taylor, but that would be difficult as Taylor already had a chronic rectal infection.

In 2017, Profar lost his virginity to Storm. However, he forgot she got buffed so he got over electrocuted and was shitty for a year. In 2018, Profar cracked the concentration camp walls, leading to a failed batch. On April 1st, Profar couldn't handle a joke when he got his legs snapped in half by the enemy team. Its just a prank bro...

Oakshidz

After being a fucking failure, the Texas Racists hired the Burger King plane guy to violate Profar before trading him. They sent him to the division rival Assletics, who were hoping to get worse. Profar played exclusively 2nd base, killing the chance of him getting laid. Jurickson was still acting like he could fondle balls like an outfielder, leading to him leading the league in testicular torsions. Even for the Oakland Asses, Profar was too shitty so they cut all his asshole hair.

You just got Jurickson Profucked

Were Back and Its Over

During the 2020 season, Profar decided to go where all players careers die. San Diego. Profar reported to Petco Park, ready to eat dog food. However, something magical happened as for the first time in MLB history, a player did not become shitty when joining the Padres. In the pandemic season, Jurickson put up career bests in KDR as he switched his main to Mr Fantastic. The Daddies let Profar return to outfield, where he could diddle himself in peace.

Profar watches the kids in his car break out and run away.

Since he was slightly above average, the Paddies signed Profar to a massive overpay. In 2021, Jurickson returned to shittyness and was relegated to the bird-shit bench. Profar had to watch the Daddies be ass all because of him, no other reason than him, it was only Profars fault. Jurickson watched Chrid Taylor be an all sex after setting a creaming record. Taylor got with latin star Becky G, claiming he was trying to pre order Alph Main rage bait.

The birth of Profuck

After Evan Pham left San Diego to hunt Psychology teachers, the Paddies had no choice but to have Profar be the one they trolled on BTD. However, Profar had a surprise for the Dads as he spent the entire offseason drinking pool water. Profar went off in April, not only bashing heads with his bat, but sniping players from the outfielder. In fact, Profar may have had the best moment of his career when he sniped Chris Taylor at 3rd base, busting his nut open. However, after the game Becky G told Taylor shes proud that he tried his best and still loves him, while Jurickson went home and lost 13 straight Apex arena games. So whose the real loser here?

On July 7, Profar and future gambler CJ (Cunt Junkie) Abrams collided in the field trying to watch the Black Adam trailer playing on the jumbotron. CJ Abrams was fine after the collision, as he was too locked in on his parlay. Profar laid on the ground for several minutes, claiming he saw the light. Medical officials arrived and violently shook Profar as hard as they could until he fully passed out.

Profar spent a good 5 minutes in the afterlife, chilling with LJ Hoes. However, in the distance, Profar heard Manny Machado say "Thank you for coming Luna Snow cosplayer from Instagram, Jurickson was a big fan." Profar immediately regained consciousness, but it turned out to be the wrong cosplayer. Jurickson was no longer happy to be alive.

Kim and Profar mog you.

In late August in a game against the Miami Marshmallows, Miguel from Coco hit a ball Profars direction and ran to 2nd base to steal another fucking guitar. However, Jurickson got cocky and taunted Miguel to run to 3rd base before he tried to snipe him. Profar ended up missing his snipe, leading to the kid getting tripled touched by Wander Franco. Manny Machado was hella mad at Profar, and ripped his arm off for being a dickhead.

Profar finished the season being lowkey ass for the Dads, but he still helped bring them to Zeus. In the freaky card game versus the New York Metro Transportation System, Jurickson was one of the players blessed by Daniel Camerena and hit a 3 run crapshot off Max Scherzer. Jurickson did jackshit the rest of the playoffs, as he lost his voice singing Mask sus at Karoke.

Holy Ass

Profar tries to think why he chose the Rockies over the Padres, kinda like how somebody chose UCSB over UCI.

After the season, Profar opted out of his Dads contract, thinking he could go somewhere else and get more money to buy fleshlights. However, every team in the league thought he was still ass. Profar went the entire offseason without shitting in a urinal. Jurickson went on to play with team Mars in the world baseball shitter, where he shit.

Profar was eventually convinced by his AI girlfriend to take the Colorado Ronkies offer of 5 bucks and a used condom. However, Jurickson couldn't bring himself to shit on the Daddies, so he went through the year as the worst player imaginable. While every Rockie was trash against 28 teams, they all at least padded their stats vs the Padres. However, everytime Profar played at Petco Park, he would remember the amazing gay sex he would have with his pals and get sad.

Profar shit his pants constantly until August when he played the Doggers. In the middle of the game, Becky G did a Loba cosplay that distracted Profar for 8 straight hours. While distracted, Chris Taylor busted Profars knee with a lead pipe as a prank. The Rockies had enough and dropped Profar after this, frustrated Jurickson couldn't take a joke.

Home Sweet Home

Profar spent a record 31 days writing a Yo. google document for the Daddies, begging them to take him back. Since the Dads were having an absolute shitshow of a season, they brought Profucker back because it couldn't get any worse. Jurickson stroked his shih finely for the rest of the season before departing for properties in Egypt.

The Messiah

The second cumming of Christ

Due to being poverty, the San Diego Pobres had no money to spend in the offseason and were forced to spoil their guacamole. Meanwhile, Jurickson Profar was being offered no bitches because he was so ass. He had almost resorted to playing persona 5, but luckily he was saved by the Dads. They gave him a league minimum contract to just be slightly better than ass, as they were hoping for the fully robotic Titties Jr to carry the team.

After being his usual mid, Profar turned a significant corner when he faced off against the Doggers in April. In the 5th inning, LA pranked Profar by almost blowing his head open with a torpedo. Jurickson, obviously still a party pooper, was not a fan of the "joke," and crashed out in Dodg Stadium. After the game, Will Smith (yes, the Men in Black actor Will Smith) called out Profar, REALLY calling him "Irrelevant." Jurickson decided it was time to lock in after that, and he raped Will Smith's entire family the next day. Profar wanted to fuck up Chris Taylor too, but he felt bad when he saw him getting beaten to a pulp by Becky G for wanting ice cream.

The voices in Profars head overwhelm him.

Profar went off in the next 2 months, reaching the highs he never could without Cody Bellinger. For once in his career, Profar could return home without the police after him. However, Profar pissed off the Washington Internationals in late June. In a very close game, the internationals pitcher avoided pitching to Luis Arraez, because he looked on the verge of busting on his bat. He instead opted to face off against the "irrelevant" Profar, making Jurickson cry. Profar proceeded to hit the game winning 3 pointer, and celebrated like crazy. He went crazier than when he found out he isn't the father. He screamed directly into the faces of international players, claiming it was intended for the souls of the damned. Washington thought "ts pmo."

The following day when Profar came up to jerk it at home plate, the washington catcher Ketamine Ruiz started telling him its rude to scream at people and not sharing drugs with them. Profar was irrittated, as he only shared his drugs with Ha Seong Kim and sometimes Ryans toy reviews. However, Manny Machado started noticing that Ketamine Ruiz was inching his hand closer and closer to Profars shlong, so Manny smashed his head with a bat and started a war. After the war was thought to be settled, the international pitcher Mackenzie Vore took a bite out of Profar, reinitiating the war. Eventually, Manny Machado beat 2 internationals to death, and Profar blasted a grand slam while pleasuring himself.

All Sex Miracle

Profar shows how he grips Manny Machado's nutsack.

Profar remained a sexual threat, and for the first time in his 80 year career, was named to the all sex game alongside Titties Jr. Sadly, Titties couldn't attend because he got lockjaw from sucking off an exhaust pipe. With the all sex game happening at Texas Racist's stadium, Profar gave back to his original team by shouting profanities at the Indian people there. After the all sex allegations, Profar and the Paddies went to Washington DC to face the internationals again. "The Job ain't finished" Profar said as he committed 2 mass murders at International Stadium. While he finished his season with a less erect penis than he started with, Profar had himself a season for the seconds. He was as clutch as Neel Savgur is when he has to save his grades.

The Daddies reached the dicking series versus the Dogshitters in the playoffs, with Profar already fired up from the 7 chimichanges he ate earlier. In the 1st inning of game 2, Pookie Betts hit a ball the long way and thought it went deeeeep enough. However, Profar made an amazing robbery (of course) and stole Mookies homer. Profar tauned the fans afterwards, yelling "This is a NON homophobic free zone!" Being the criminals they are, Dogger fans began to throw trash at both Profar and Titties Jr. They thought Titties got a BBL, but he actually got a CBL (cybernetic booty lift).

Since their a classless team, the Doggers were fueled by their shitty fans and went on to clap the Dads in the series. Jurickson went on to say he doesn't give any credit to the doggers for their win, he instead gave credit to Luigi for killing a CEO.

The Dads were even poorer than last offseason and, after Profar won a silver smuggler award, would not be able to afford him for a 2nd round of BJs. Profar held out as long as he could, but ultimately left San Diego when it was clear they wouldn't fund his lego collection. Profar had a rant on his way out of San Diego... "Get some money damn it! I dont care if u have to go play games like Red Light, Green Light! Just get some money!"

Profar eventually landed in Atlanta to play alongside many star boobies, who were eager to touch him under the covers. Specifically, Matt Olson was excited, because he knows Freddie never played with Profar.

Post Credits Scene

Chrid Taylor was chillin in hell after selling his soul to forever ruin Chrissy. He actually befriended Padre LVP Eric Hosmer, and the 2 spent their days playing shoot or spare with the demons. "So how did u die?" asked Chrid Taylor. "A snail went up my ass, what about u?" said Eric. "I sold my soul to make a kid miserable." Chrid answered. The 2 bonded over their silly deaths as well as their hatred for the Padres.

Suddenly, Hela arrived and told Chrid he had a visitor. Hela just got back from using HELL UNLEASHED on thousands of goobers. Chrid went to the Hell lounge and was shocked to see Becky G there. Since Becky is an extremely attractive latina who could destroy anyones perception of love, she has direct connections to the devil. She called over Eric Hosmer too, who was attempting to get Hela to give him head. Becky brought both of them back to life, and the first thing Chrid did was jerk off. She handed them both a business card before setting off to take pictures at Doger stadium to piss off Chrissy. A business card with a circle, triangle, and square.