Julien Dubuque

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Julien Dubuque, high on angel dust in 1698.

Julien Dubuque (born January 1652 and died August 26, 1721) was a gloriously filthy French traitorous miner and slave driving bastard. He was born in Les Peasoup, Canada in 1652, the son of a lesbian Crunchberry farmer from the Pupieu region of France. Julien (prematurely suspected of being a retard of some sort) wouldn't utter his first word until the age of two, but it would go to be cornerstone of his existence "Mine". In 1663, Julien discovered he had an abnormally proportioned penis and would go onto rambunctiously sow his wild oats (fathering countless rabid children). Julien came of age bearing a deep resentment and distrust of women, stemming from the years of emotional abuse and pelvic experimentation suffered at the hands of his his mother, whose mind was lost in the Crunchberry Famine of 1652. Needless to say, Julien would struggle to find a "meaningful" relationship.

Conquering The Natives[edit]

Following his Mother's death in 1671, Dubuque set off for the new world (hoping to duck child support). On his way there, he encountered the Tinivaj Tribe (later known as the Fox Tribe) along the banks of the Mississippi River (known to the Natives as The Twaddagowj). The Tinivaj Tribe were known for their beauty, full breasts, simplicity, and uncontrollable appetite for men. Julien went on to astonish the all female tribe with cheap parlor tricks and his freakishly large genitals. Soon semi-embraced as a god, Dubuque forcibly took Chieftess Wiccunt as his bride (at last finding a "meaningful" relationship) and declared all of the tribe's women to be honorary Caucasians. Julien then enslaved the women and put them to work in the Lead mines of the area, furthering both the constant struggle of beautiful women and Caucasians all over the world. The usage of the word "fox" when referring to an extremely attractive women derives from the Tinivaj Tribe.

Dubuque then founded Dubtown, the first all-white city in America, in what would later be known as the State of Iowa brought to you by Viagra (the naming rights to Iowa were sold in 2006 following the election of Chet Culver). Dubuque became ridiculously wealthy mining, trapping and trading beaver, and made another small fortune pioneering the adult novel industry. He would almost be remembered as one of the last great pioneers.he had sex with his sister

Dubuque's Downfall[edit]

Last Known Photo Of Julien Dubuque circa 1721

Julien Dubuque had the world by the balls until 1720, when his gambling and drinking cost him his fortune. He would trade what little of his wealth he had left for three Tootsie Roll seeds (which surprisingly never grew). Julien spent the last of his money on what friends he had (still a Dubtown Tradition) and would live out his remaining days as a penniless tramp on the street, begging and spinning erotic yarns to lonely travelers for change. Dubuque succumbed to the ravages of syphilis on August 26, 1721. His final words were "I pooped em", but nobody heard him.

Dubuque's Funeral and Legacy[edit]

Julien Dubuque's Tomb

August 30, 1721, Julien Dubuque was finally laid to rest. His funeral was attended by nearly 10 people, most of which other pioneers. It is said that Davey Crocket rejoiced and Larry Flynt wept. His tomb sits overlooking the Mississippi River. After Julien's death, his widow, Wiccunt, struggled to make her way in the world without her male supporter. She would allow Dubuque's body to be exhumed in order to sell his genitalia to Phineas Taylor Barnum's museum of freaks and oddities. The genitalia is now on display at the Smithsonian, and lead to Dubuque best being know today as the guy who had that freakishly large package you saw at the Smithsonian, but he was much more than that.