International Air Transport Association
The International Airplanes Trafficking Association (IATA) is an international organization based in Cuba responsible for stealing airplanes from airlines and hijacking passenger jets mid-air to make black market profits. (For example, selling stolen airliners to their original owner's competitor)
The IATA was originally founded in 1945 by Uncle Stalin to steal American airliners and resale them in Europe to buy massive amounts of vodkas for him to enjoy. This plan involved the hiring of KGB agents inside the U.S., and their special training courses on how to successfully steal a passenger jet in an airport without getting caught. After successfully stolen Harry Truman's DC-3 in 1949, Stalin decided that it's time to turn to expanding the IATA program and start stealing military jets and bomber aircraft, and sell them to pirates around the world in order to buy even more vodka to drink. Stalin's plan was again very successful: by 1951, the IATA managed to steal a total of 1,543 passenger airliners, 693 fighter aircraft, and 393 bombers from the U.S. However, after Stalin's unexpected death caused by vodka drowning in 1953, the IATA was shut down due to the lack of vodka demand back in Moscow. The IATA remained nonexistent for another 30 years until Mikhail Gorby came to power, and made his famous speech in front of Politburo stating that "IATA would greatly benefit the Soviet economy". Therefore, in 1989, IATA reopened and began a business of stealing and selling passenger jets all over the world until today. The organization is currently opposed by another organization, the ICAO, an organization that is responsible for returning stolen airliners back to its original owner.
History[edit | edit source]
The IATA was established in 1945 after Stalin found himself addicted to vodkas. Everyday Stalin had to consume at least 300 bottles of premium vodka made exclusively in Siberia, with the aid of his super urination machine that could increase the speed in which Stalin pisses by 327% designed by his old colleague Vladimir Lenin. After 8 months of staying in this habit, the Soviet treasury began to empty out, and Stalin was very upset about it. Therefore, in order to prevent death by being hit in the head with a vodka bottle, Stalin's comrades designed a plan to fulfill Stalin's vodka addiction while still keeping the Soviet treasury running.
Their ultimate product was the IATA, an organization they designed to make enough money through stealing Boeing aircraft straight from their factories and selling them cheaply to other buyers. In order to more conveniently supervise over the stealing of airliners, the Soviets set the HQ of the organization in Havana, Cuba, a location very close of the U.S. homeland, but under control of a communist government that is pro-USSR. The IATA was found initially to be very successful at making money for Stalin, and vodka became very popular in the Soviet Union. After its reopening in 1989, the IATA became a public company selling stolen planes to anyone in the world, and slowly, the IATA became a symbol of Soviet and Russian patriotism --- "For the Stealing of American Airplanes!" became a common warcry in the USSR. In 1990 along the IATA stole 1,032 DC-9s and 194 DC-10s, eventually forcing the aircraft manufacturer McDonnell Douglas to declare bankrupt. This act made both the U.S. government and British parliament furious. "This can't happen! Gorby will never do this!" cries U.S. President Ronald Reagon. Unfortunately for Reagon, Gorby was actually enjoying the profit IATA made him through his newly built summer resort in Ukraine, a mansion he ordered for $85 million.
However, the IATA's success also came with a downside: with so much money earned from all of the Stolen airplanes, everybody in the Soviet Union begin to drink massive amounts of vodka and use Lenin's genius invention to urinate very quickly. This lead to disorder in the Eastern bloc, and with so much irremovable urinate everywhere, the Soviet economy cannot undertake the enormous pressure of handling so much urination waste, and in 1991, the USSR collapsed due to the reality that nobody in the USSR at the time was really conscious enough to make any decisions and that everyone were drunk all year long from drinking vodkas. After the collapse, the United Nations stepped in and "purified" the IATA, making it into a civil aviation authority, and started selling stolen aircraft internationally through more legal pathways (e.g. with the aid of the CIA). The IATA also began to put up airport codes and sales between different airlines to make money. The IATA today is founded by numerous airlines around the world, and operated internationally to continue to steal airliners legitimately through diplomatic means, and today the IATA is also seen commonly making advertisements for the sales of different vodka brands.
Mission[edit | edit source]
1945-1953 "Salute Comrade Stalin! We are your loyal followers we provide you with the best vodka solutions on the entire planet!" 1989-current "We pledge to sell you the cheapest airliners on the market... and on demand we steal speific aircraft just for you! So why don't you visit us at your local IATA dealership today!"
iStealJets program[edit | edit source]
In 2013 the IATA announced the introduction of a brand new "iStealJets" program to its markets in North America, a move most experts believed IATA made in order to increase its profit (and vodka output). This program will provide never-seen-before "how to steal planes" training courses for average lower-class Americans needing financial assistance, along with some psychopaths bored of staying in a psychiatric hospital. This crowd sourcing technique will increase the number of annual planes stolen by the IATA significantly, and along with this increase will be the number of vodka produced and purchased back in Russia. Many Russian government officials are already cheering up for this new program through public parties and celebrations, and vodka production companies have already offered special opening-day discounts and coupons to celebrate the fatting of their wallets. IATA also announced that they will be adding an iStealJets app for apple phones, where the user can easily access information from their phones on how to bypass airport security and successfully steal an airplane, taxi it, takeoff, fly it, and land it safely in Cuba.