User:IViking/The Lords of the Kidney Stones and the Crystal Grue

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Prologue

I would never forget it. It was the time when the Chosen Ones were granted the power to defeat the Grues. The Chosen Ones were each ailed with a curse: the Elemental Kidney Stones, the spherical gems that grants the user elemental powers when removed from their bodies. The powers range from the searing heat of fire, to the drenching cold of water. From the rich soil of earth, to the blowing winds of wind. And from the beauty of life, to the agony of death. When I first received my kidney stone, I felt like I was burning from the inside. I didn't realize until it was removed, that I bore the Kidney Stone of Fire. I swore to protect my brethren with the flames of hell itself. My power, along with my brethrens', was put to the test, when we were given the task of destroying the sacred figure of the ones that eat you before you could pronounce "xyzzy": The Crystal Grue.

Chapter 1: The Alleged Raping of Ledburgh

My story begins in the village of Ledburgh, the blessed paradise created and presided by Led the Balloon, a revered and honored patriarch. It was a busy afternoon: people were shopping for groceries and other useful crap at Wal-Mart. Led was contemplating about the day's events, when he received terrible news...

"MASTER LED!"

It was Led's maid, Donna. "Donna, sweetie! What the hell's wrong? Don't get your funny bone bunched up."

"Master! It's the Grues! They're approaching the village!"

"I'LL RAPE YOU! I must make a phone call!"

Led makes the call to General Cork. "General? It's Led. We have an army of Grues heading our way. Razing of the village is imminent. Get your fucking light cannons and vaporize these bastards!" The General replied with a "YES SIR!" What are the Grues up to, Led thinks. Ledburgh has no quarrel with them, so WTF?!

Led then takes a look at his trophy case. In it, he sees a statuette that could explain why the Grues are attacking: "Oh, Jesus H. Christ, no. I hope they aren't after the Crystal Grue that I unearthed in an expedition."

3 years ago, Led, uh...lead an expedition to solve the mystery of why the grues attacked and razed the village of Tang. When he discovered the Crystal Grue inside a ruined temple, the answer was obvious: the Grues want their statuette back. These rhyming, uh...hellish asswipes would destroy the village looking for it, as if they can detect it with their testes.

In the meantime, General Cork orders his men to fire their frikin' lasers!

READY...IMMA CHARGIN' MA LASER!

IMMA FIRIN' MA LASER!

AND...

SHOOP DA WHOOP!

But I'LL RAPE YOU!! NO EFFECT!

"Damn," Cork swears, "This ain't working! Get Led on the line! NOW!"

Led receives the call; he will have to leave the village. "Evac the village! Get your men outta there! Where's Donna!" Donna responds, "Here I am, master."

"Donna," says Led, "this will be the last time I see you before you leave with the other villagers; I can't let you come with me. I am sorry."

"Master? If this is goodbye, could you do something for me one last time?"

"Yes, Donna. I know what you mean." And before you know it, the two had sloppy sex. After their lovemaking and a drink, the two part ways, never to see each other again. Led takes the Crystal Grue with him, and travels to the city of Moz, where he will meet with his companion, Modus.

It was too late for the army to escape with the villagers, and were eaten before they could scream. Inside, their heads...well...

The village of Ledburgh was PwN3D!

Chapter 2: STOP! THIEF!!

Led traveled westward to Moz, hoping that Modus would help him with the mystery of the Crystal Grue that is in his hands: What purpose does it have? Why are after this piece of glass? ...Am I wearing Donna's panties?!?! He just realized he picked up the wrong undergarments after making hwoopee to his maid. There was no time for that, though. He is in the middle of the woods, his GPS can't get a signal.

This is where I come in...

"STOP!" I emerged from the trees to jump Led.

"Hey-sus! A thief?!"

I swiped the statuette from his hands. "This fine relic will sell well in the black market," I said to myself.

Led shouted to me, "Who are you? What do you want with the Crystal Grue?"

I tell my name to no one, and did you hear me talk to myself? I'm gonna retire with this glass thingy!"

"Thingy?" asked Led sarcastically.