Hunting season
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“We been diggin' trenches since the Spring thaw. Got the booby-traps laid. We're armed to the teeth. We're trained, buff, and mean. Any you motherfuckers want to come up here, I say bring it on.”
The hunting season is on 13th September each year between 12:03 a.m. and 12:04 a.m. Any creature that you can kill between those times is rightfully yours to eat and skin. People have used this time as an excuse for murder, and it is highly recommended that anyone planning a death in the family should plan ahead and take full advantage of the freedom to kill during the hunting season.
Methodology[edit | edit source]
The following are best known methods for hunting, and are especially useful when hunting ex-roommates, ex-housemates, and even ones you're still stuck with. As with most sports, different hunting scenarios have different points associated with them based on a multitude of criteria. However, before hunting, one should consider alternate sports.
- Place a T.V. and a bag of chips and wait nearby. (+2: Simple + straightforward)
- Leave a glass of water out and wait for them to come and reclaim it. (+1: Too easy)
- Setup a fake bathroom and use the handtowels to dry your hands. Or, leave the walls wet and leave some paper towels nearby. (+2: Elaborate; bonus for good craftsmanship)
- Spread a rumor that "Scott" had gone to the woods dressed in a deer suit. Then when they try to emulate "Scott". Shoot and feign confusion. (+4: Demonstrates inner knowledge of enemy)
- Play a tape of "Kelly" complaining and wait for them to show up and berate her. (+3: Endurance for listening to "Kelly")
- Lay some pergo flooring and wait for him/her to come by and mark all the little nicks with masking tape. (+2: Craftsmanship; bonus for incorporating it into your own home remodelling)
- Setup a table or wall with a square-inch of space uncluttered by nicknacks. Wait nearby.
- If the victim is a pedophile, get a small child and leave them alone. Return in 15 minutes with a gun.
- Go someplace fun and wait for them to show up and ruin it. (+1: Well, you were having fun right?)
Famous Hunters[edit | edit source]
- Dick Cheney - Mr. Cheney is most famous for inventing the X-treme version of the sport. X-treme hunting was popularized for its PvP mentality, and although both/all players are issued weapons, few are clued into the fact that they are playing the X-treme version. Before its societal acceptance, the sport was coveted by an underground scene of novelists. (source: Da Island of Doctor Morreuough, H. G. Wells)
- Steve Ballmer - Mr. Ballmer gained notoriety for starting a rogue group of X-treme hunters who practiced the art of throwing chairs to stun or KO their prey. Although this sport has not been officially recognized by the X-treme Hunting committee, it involves much more skill and patience than regular X-treme hunting. 173 of Fortune 500 CEOs have participated alongside Ballmer in a corporate version of X-treme Hunting with Chairs, which featured Aeron chairs and Google employees as prey. In an odd turn of events, the Google employees cashed in their stock and bought out most of the Fortune 500 companies, ousted the CEOs, and claimed victory.