HowTo:Read

For centuries, life was painful. Children had too much spare time, there were no laws, and bums

Little Timmy cannot read, and look at him. He's a fattie!

couldn't tell regular porn magazines from gay porn magazines. Luckily, there was hope. A man named Richard Hitler Pettington was in the process of developing a solution to help those homeless men, and actually help society do something useful. After all, something had to go on the newspapers!

How Letters Were Born

History in the making: The Alphabet WAS Based on Sex!

To first understand how to read, we must first look at Pettington's long and hard struggle against the evils of stupidity, and Attention Deficit Disorder. He put his blood and tears (but mostly tears) into it, and got an unexpected result that forever changed society. For 25 long years, Richard sat at a desk doing nothing, only thinking. However, history was made when he decided to be immature and draw some boobies on a piece of paper, for laughs. Unfortunately, he suffered from Lopsided Vision, and drew the boobs so horribly lopsided that one stacked on top of the other. Intrigued, he experimented with drawings penises, vaginas, and many random sex positions. He originally planned to make 31 letters to the alphabet, but then stated:

1. “Fuck it. I'm way too drunk to make more than about 26 of 'em, and I'm too goddamn drunk.”

   ~ Richard Pettington on Why There's Only 26 Letters

He then realised he actually had 36 letters. Frustrated at his inability to count, he randomly took 10 letters from the Alphabet, and called them "Numbers".

The Easy 11 Step Process

So, you think you have what it takes to read, do you? Well, it takes a brave soul to even begin the long and tedious journey, so here is an easy 10-step program. Please note that while many have attempted this process, only a select few are even capable of passing this way.

Another participant in the Easy 11 Step Process

1. Buy Some Copper Wire.
2. Buy Explosives.
3. Combine ingredients to get a bomb.
4. Skip #5.
5. Go Ahead to #6.
6. Go Back to #4.
7. Stand on chair.
8. Attach rope to ceiling.
9. Secure the rope to your neck.
10. Kick the chair.
11. Enjoy the ride!

However, if you find this is too hard, then fret not! Indie developer James T. Kirk has developed a new way for you to be able to read, with a system known as "The Hard Program".

The Hard Program

No need to be a pansy, there's a simpler way!

This process is for winners. Many men have entered, and have been able to "read" at some extent out of a "book". Here's the process:

1. Open a book, any book will do.
2. Try to identify the symbols.
3. Sound it out.
4. Learn what the little dots mean.
5. Raise your "hand" and ask the teacher for help.

Now, this is quite an advanced process, so let's break it down.

Step 1. Open a Book

Let's face it, it takes a rocket scientist to open a book. Not only is it incredibly complicated, it was the main reason why Johannes Gutenberg committed suicide in the first place. However, there are some very helpful tools that YOU can use to aid you on your journey. You will need: a hand, a book, and a bottle of Vodka.

1. Chug the bottle of Vodka. It will ease your nerves, and it will make this process all the more interesting.
2. Slowly grab the "book". Feel the smooth, sexual surface.
3. With the open end facing towards the right, grab the top flap and the bottom flap at the same time.
4. Pull very gently, with both hands at the same time.
5. At this point, the "book" will actually open very slowly, with the right side completely expanding as the left side disappears.

Step 2. Try to Identify the Symbols

This has been considered to be a rather simple task, but it's not really all that easier than Step 1. You need to take every letter of an alphabet out on a date. Ask them about themselves. Letters are turned on by that sort of thing, and if you get lucky, you'll get to see why the letter e has a big hole in the middle (provided, of course, that you can get into her apartment first) Some helpful tips when dating the alphabet:

1. Pace yourself. Rome wasn't built in a day, but it was surely burned down in one!
2. Notice that, like people, all letters are different shapes. No two letters are exactly the same.
3. Mind your manners: various letters can have your ass handed to you on a silver platter. Never piss off the letters A, S, P, E, N, or I. It's always good practice to be polite to every letter you meet, (with the exception of the letter X, whom the author never forgave for a rather embarrassing and sick occasion. Additionally, Q is far too passive-aggressive to cause any real trouble, but try to be nice to the poor bastard anyway.)

Step 3. Sound it Out

Be Loud and Proud!

This step is extremely helpful. The human mind has 26 different electrical subcells layered through the language area of the Brain, and each one can assosciate a sound and symbol together. As your "sounding it out" practice improves, these subcells actually extend, allowing for faster loading of sounds and images, and eventually computer games and operating systems. Remember, as always, take your time. Sometimes, people have problems with making sounds. This is caused most likely by smoking, which will eventually give you a cool hole in your neck. If you get one, you don't have to breathe. Alas, if you can't sound it out, try pointing a gun to your head and pulling the trigger, as you no longer have a purpose in our society.

Step 4. Learn What the Little Dots Mean

It is a common mistake to think that those little dots are unimportant. Actually, they're like little stops that tell dumb people when to shut the fuck up. But, where'd that come from? Actually, it was developed extensively by prolific writer/brilliant stockbroker Timothy Dexter. In his autobiography, A Pickle for the Knowing Ones, he actually used quite a lot of these unique dots. Scholars agree that Timothy Dexter was a pioneer of his time. An actual excerpt from the last page of his book is shown below:

“fouder mister printer the Nowing ones complane of my book the fust edition had no stops I put in A Nuf here and thay may peper and solt it as they plese

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ……………. ……………. …………….. ………………. …………….. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . …………………………! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !……………………….. …………………………….. ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ………………………….. …………………………………. ! ! ! ! ! ! ………………………………. ………………………………………!…………………………………….. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ……………????????????????????????……………

”

~ Timothy Dexter on Punctuation

Step 5. Ask a Teacher for Help

There comes a time in every man's life where he can't find out the fucking answer for himself, and has to ask a reliable source for help. If he could read, he could go onto one of those helpful information sites, like Uncyclopedia. Alas, the whole point of the article is to learn how to read, and the poor sap would be lost in a sea of pop-up ads and animal pornography. So, it's time to admit it. You need to swallow all your pride, and ask your son's kindergarten teacher for help. As a bonus, she could even be Little Jimmy's "New Mommy", but let's not stray from the goal: you need to learn to read. So, here's some helpful tips on getting advice.

Wow, I want her to ride my rulerstick.

1. Look around. Are you at a desk? Is an adult in the room?
2. Bend your arm upwards, and tilt your joints toward the ceiling.
3. Extend your hand. Upwards, and point your fingers out.
4. Jump up and down and yell "Teacher! Teacher! TEACHER! TEACHER! TEACHER! OHH MY GAWD!"
5. Explain the problem. "I can't read this..."

And there you have it, she'll help you.

Conclusion

So, that's how you read. There are dozens of other worthless methods, but the ones listed here obviously take the cake. If you had any problems, well, too bad. Hell, if you tried to read this article without help, you're probably fucked anyways... On another note, you've attempted something new, which is all that really counts. Perhaps you could use this to an advantage, like messing with people stupider than you. Who knows? The fun is in the finding out.