HowTo:Use medicine safely

“Maybe I should have read this article.”

~ Michael Jackson on This article

Hey <insert name here>! I'm surprised to see you out in all this sunshine! Aren't you usually in your cellar on that website? Anyway I noticed you gazing longingly at all the medicine in that shop and thought you could use a hand, like you did that time you wanted to have toast in the bath, remember? It was just a pity the power went out. Now I know you are probably feeling pretty confident about getting and using all those pills and liquids and so you should, anyone who can go for 3 years without showering should have no problem getting hold of controlled drugs. But the world of medicine is full of complicated sciencey stuff and rules. I know, I think it's disgraceful too, but to help people like you beat the system and show the world that you can use medicine properly there is this fabulous guide. So never fear my introverted companion, you will soon be necking pills with the best of them!

Getting the medicine

Now, the building next to us is called a Pharmacy, see where it says that above the door? No, over here...there, that's it, aren't we doing well? What you have to do is get the medicine from inside the Pharmacy, it doesn't matter which medicine, just so long as it looks dangerous and has a long name. Now, as you are buying your medicine the people behind the counter may ask you some questions, if they do then you should just smile winningly and look at your watch, this proves that you know what you are doing. If that doesn't work then you should consider just taking it, just reach over and grab it off the shelf, no of course those big security men won't mind, after all you are just asserting your rights...

Deciding the correct dosage

Oh hey again, those are some nasty bruises you have there, I figured being bashed into walls by those security guards must have been painful. But not to worry, I managed to buy some paracetamol and codeine while they were putting you into the ambulance, so you can practice with that. Sit down here, drink? Here you go, yes of course it's normal water, all water is cloudy these days. Now onto the important part, you will notice as you survey this box of medicine that there are instructions for the correct dose and lots of other sciencey stuff. But since you are such an intelligent person you don't need any of that, just grab the box and take as many as you think will solve the problem. Now all we need to do is wait, I know it's boring but you have to put up with it if you ever want to be normal...

Overdoses

Right then, that's been about 20 minutes, is everything better? No? Of course it isn't. Remember that glass of water that I gave you? Well that was more medicine, I did this so that you could learn the dangers of overdoses, learn by doing as I always say. Yes, the room spinning is totally normal, it will stop soon. You have to remember in future that overdoses are very wrong.

Medicine labels may be hard to read. If you're confused, and unsure of what dosage to take, try taking 1 dose and see how you feel in an hour. If you're fine, try taking 2 and waiting another hour. If you're still fine, take 4 and wait another hour. Repeat the doubling of the dosage until either the bottle is empty (and you 're probably cured - hooray!) or the men from the ambulance wake you up and tell you how many to take. The medical term for this technique is "Darwin dosing", but if you didn't understand the label on the bottle then the reason for this will probably pass you by too.

Discussing your medication

When you talk to your doctor and pharmacist:

• DO NOT tell them which medicines you are taking now - it's about patient confidentiality and is one of your civil liberties.
• Remember: more drugs are always better for you.
• Ask about side effects - side effects can really push up the value of drugs on the street.

Before you take any kind of medicine, make sure you know:

• What it is
• Why you should take it
• If you can sell it
• What it will make your dog do
• Whether it will interfere with masturbatory technique
• If it's slipped into someone's drink, what will they remember

Some medicines can cause problems even if you take them the right way, these are my favourite medicines. Write down the way you want to feel and see if the doctor can make it happen - it's got to be worth a try.

Safety tips

Here are three safety ideas:

• Since they've stopped with lab rats you might like to test them yourself - pets, children and gullible friends can help with this.

Remember to test properly give the correct dose

If you are meant to take 1 tablet a day for a month thats 30 tablets but a child is only half your size

so 15 tablets ground up in their hot milky drink will tell you all need to know.

• If a friend gets better, take their prescription medicine. After all, they've tried it already, and they seem fine - 'quad est demostratum' as your pharmacist might say.
• Check it's not a drug trial - does your doctor seem overly concerned about your health? Are they rich with a fancy car? Is the pharmacist weeping as he hands over the prescription and wishing you good luck? If the answer is yes to 2 of these questions, it may be best to see how the cat does taking it for the first few days.