HowTo:Transform your rowboat into a luxury yacht
There are precious few things more enjoyable than having your own luxury yacht with aft deck, poop deck, dick-deck - and of course, a sextant with a hooker to provide the sex for it. The introduction has hardly commenced and you are probably already wondering where the instructions are. All in due time! These things are not as simple as they look.
Reminiscence
The history of luxury yachts is long and tedious. The early Romans already had their own yachts with hookers (the sextant is a far more recent invention) and several decks. We are going to skip the Middle Ages and most of the New Age things, because we don't want to confuse the issue any more than is absolutely necessary. Rest assured there is no conceivable method of turning your rowboat into a yacht, unless you just decide to call it a yacht. You can skip the rest of the article.
See above for the long and tedious history of luxury yachts. Those were the days!
Preparation[edit | edit source]
- get a rowboat
- get a lot of wood. Take care to pick dry wood; nothing rotten, soaked or otherwise fucked up will do. The finished product will depend on the size and appearance on the wood you have, so be very very picky. See nitpicking for further advice on how to gain the correct attitude. Note: you can use pieces of the neighbours' houses if you want to. They are not at home.
- get some industrial glue, like epoxy. If you want to try something more fancy and less reliable, you can try to come up with a new chemical formula for an even stronger industrial glue. This is not something you can achieve overnight, though. You will need to spend years - maybe decades - studying chemistry. The side product of this method is that you will probably gain a few patents on the way. Let me give you an example: egg is a pretty reliable glue on its own, without any additives. If you wish to improve upon natural substances like egg, you will already need to be quite proficient. With a brain like that - what could one Uncyclopedia article teach you? You probably own a yacht already.
Working method[edit | edit source]
- start fixing pieces of wood onto the outside of your rowboat until the boat is large enough to pass for a yacht where size counts: the yacht club.
- if your yacht looks all sucky and not one bit like a yacht, take a pocket knife and whittle away at it until it looks better. Get a lot of alcohol and drink it rapidly to feel more confident and industrious. Note: alcohol might make you dizzy. It will also twist your perception enough to make you believe you might actually succeed. Keep drinking until you seem to have a yacht or get an alcohol poisoning - or pass out. Can't go wrong with alcohol!
What to do when the yacht is ready?[edit | edit source]
- after you have whittled your yacht to desired size and form, ask someone to tow it to the marina, where you can proudly present it to the rest of the yacht owners. Throw a huge party with lots of alcohol.
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