HowTo:Make a 1982 Mitsubishi Colt better than a Bugatti Veyron
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The Question: Is a 1982 Mitsubishi Colt better than a Bugatti Veyron?
Short answer: No
Long answer: DUH
The War is Far From Over
First let's analyze what makes any car "dope." What do all these fancy pants new cars, such as the Bugatti Veyron, have in common? Some know it all car people would say that the huge advances in safety, comfort, and technology incorporated in new cars makes them smarter overall choices. But these people are nerds, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let some tighty-whitey wearing nancy tell me what's a "smarter overall choice." What we really need to know is what gets the women. Speed has always been one of the greatest natural aphrodisiacs. Fortunately for us, this bad boy is already equipped with a 1.4 litre Turbo engine, providing more than ample acceleration and top speed as well as 105 ponies (aka Horseypower). (unfortunately, as any real man knows, cars mean nothing and women know that a big car is compensating for a lack in the area that really counts...). Some have even said the Buggati's revolutionary 16-cylinder engine is nothing more than the 1982 Colt's 1-cylinder engine with a few more pistons (15 more, to be exact). Unfortunately for us, this kind of information is useless because as we all know, women know absolutely jack about cars. So what do women understand (besides the back of your hand, hillbilly)? Well, we also know that women judge things primarily (read: entirely) by looks, which is why she bought those curtains, even though they were 300 dollars and you already had a set that worked just fine. But what can be done to upgrade the look of the already modern and stylish 1982 Shitsubishi Colt?
Today's Fast and Furious (heh) car market has seen vast improvement over your father's years of steering wheel covers and tire shine. (Please note: Steering wheel covers are still cool though.) You'll notice that the Veyron has a rear spoiler, or "wing." On the Veyron, this wing deploys at high speed to apply more downforce to the rear drive wheels. On the Colt, the rear spoiler is going to apply more radforce, or in laymens' terms, radness, to the bangable chicks surrounding you. The general rule for spoilers is that the bigger they are, the faster your car goes, which is also completely true. Size is always important, except with penises, in which case it does not matter whatsoever. So go big, and also try to get a cool color like black or red. This will show that you're also tough, but with a soft, caring side just waiting to be shown to the world. Or something. Don't worry about getting the right spoiler for your specific car, however, as all spoilers are designed to work on every automobile ever made. So go ahead, experiment; it's just like college except less STDs (those come later).
A spoiler alone will not get you into the pants of many a fly lady, nor will it allow our Colt to beat the Veyron. Tires are important for lots of things. Namely, rolling. Besides being rubber, they are largely the same as the Cave-Tires of yore. The only important part of the tire is the Rim, or more commonly, dub. These dubs need to be large, shiny, and hopefully made by some weird sounding Japanese company you've never heard of. Shitsubishi decided that the Colt didn't have the wheel-well clearance for larger tires, but what do they know. The same rule about spoiler size also applies here. Go big or go home. And on the way grab some milk, because you're out.
The final addition that is needed to make this baby purr is a muffler tip. If you've ever seen a military fighter-jet take off you've heard the raw power it emanates. Some people would say that the power comes from specially designed gas-turbine engines and gallons of jet fuel, but those people can go fuck themselves. This awesome noise is really coming from the muffler tip on the Jet's engine, hidden so that the Russians can't steal our stuff...lousy Russians. You can't purchase military fighter-jets (legally) but you can purchase knock offs sold specifically for making cars more rad. These rad-enablers will increase your overall horsepower and radness by roughly 3000%. Just like before, get the biggest tip you can find and duct tape it to your existing muffler. Or, if you want to go the extra mile, hot glue will last longer and give you a clean finish.
fuck my ass joe... what do you thinK?
But wait, there's more!
The 1982 Shitsubishi Colt is lookin hott, and ready to give the Veyron a run for its money (1.1 Million dollars). But it's still not the clear victor. For that we're going to need extreme radness. Yes, that's right, this thing is going to get more rad than before. You probably didn't think that was possible. Well it is. You've probably noticed Bugatti's paint job with the red and black. Maybe they should try picking a color and sticking to it. Regardless, a nice coat of paint is a great way to enhance the overall sexyness and give it a sleek new look. Mostly any color will do, and can be bought in spray cans at your Home Depot. Look for the paint labelled "rad-enhancing," as it is the correct kind to use in this situation. While there isn't a wrong color to go with, aim for something bright and fruity, like Lime Green or Banana Yellow. And stay away from brown and gray, because they're the wrong colors to go with.
Finally, nothing says "I'm just better than you" like tinted windows. You're going to need them, what with all the hot sex orgies that will be taking place in the back seat of this sweet ass new 1982 Shitsubishi Colt. After all, you're not offering a peepshow. Unless of course, you put up flyers everywhere that said "FREE PEEPSHOW," in which case you can still roll down your awesome tinted windows. Don't forget your front windshield, and always use full opacity because you don't want them seeing you, and you don't want to have to see their ugly faces either.
Is a totally kick ass 1982 Shitubishi Colt better than a Bugatti Veyron?
So how about that question now huh? Is a 1982 Shitsubishi Colt better than a Bugatti Veyron? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!