HowTo:Eat Food Provocatively

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You're a young woman who seems to have everything - except the attention of men. Are you unattractive? No, you're just not doing the right things to get men to notice you. Hundreds of "quick fixes" for this problem have been created, but one has consistently elicited the following thoughts, or thoughts similar to them, from onlookers.

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This course of action, obviously, is eating food provocatively.

The food[edit]

There are three common foods easily eaten provocatively: bananas, sausages, and ice pops.

Bananas[edit]

Go "bananas" with bananas!

Pros:

  • Curved
  • Firmly grippable at peel

Cons:

Sausages[edit]

"To retain respect for sausages and laws, one must not watch them in the making."

Pros:

  • Realistic coloration
  • Actually meat

Cons:

  • Must use fork to hold
  • Do you know what that sausage is made of?

Ice pops[edit]

"Ice pop" is also one of the many musical styles Vanilla Ice has attempted.

Pros:

  • Hard and unmoving
  • Melt into tasty, sticky liquid

Cons:

  • Might break
  • Must be held using a small, flat stick


Procedure[edit]

Tip:
For maximum exposure, go into a restaurant. Eligible bachelors never cook.
Step 3

1. Go into a public area. Buy or bring your designated food. Position yourself in the place where the most people can see and hear you.

2. Loudly say "<Food> is my favorite!" or "Oh, I just love <food>!" or "I had no idea I would be getting a <food> today!"

3. Insert the food into your mouth. Suck on the food, and simultaneously move it in and out of your mouth. Make sure it is never completely in or completely out, as that would break the illusion. If you want to, you can lick the food instead of sucking it. This method has been proven to be just as effective as sucking in a studies by an esteemed study establishment, which we will not name here due to a pending defamation lawsuit.

4. Tightly grip the table with the hand not holding the food. Do not stop until you finish eating provocatively.

5. Briefly take the food out of your mouth and do one of the following things:

  1. Moan loudly.
  2. Say something about how you like the food very much, and want to have more of it.
  3. Exaggeratedly swallow.

6. Check to see if any men are looking at you. If not, repeat steps 4 and 5 until there are. If there are, begin eating your food normally, as if nothing had happened.

Conclusion[edit]

You have just been noticed by every man in hearing distance of you. What will you do now? Well, that's a question for a different HowTo, but I'll give you one tip. If someone asks you about your provocative food-eating, say:

Rest assured, you will never go unnoticed again!