HowTo:Blame Your Predecessor
This is a personalized guide to surviving the business (and political) world, using a secret, highly developed technique known as Blaming Your Predecessor as written by Dale Carnegie's mentally challenged second cousin! Now that you've purchased this guide (or illegally downloaded it on the internet), you too can discover the secret to success in high places!
Chapter 1: Now That You're In Charge
So you've found a way to become the president of your company. The man in charge. The big cheese. What's the first thing you need to do (other than charge tons of imported cheese to your company account)? Blame your predecessor, of course. Every problem that you could encounter is the fault of the person who preceded you (or that immigrant janitor). Anything wrong is his fault; you'll never have to be accountable for your own actions.
Chapter 2: The Problem
So you've got a problem, do you? No problem. What is it? Building not up to code? Code not building up? Have you been caught embezzling? Giant mutant pandas attacking? Kool. There's a solution to this and many more problems. It involves, you guessed it, blaming your predecessor. If anyone asks you what you're doing with a trunk full of money, you just tell them, "It's just a bunch of friggan Canadian pennies, gosh." If they find a few gigatons of bailout receipts for thieving bankers, pleasantly inform them, "The previous administration left it here, and I'm just cleaning up their mess." Smile and give them a thumbs up, two thumbs (three if you got 'em). If you do it right, you'll have them eating out of your hands, so don't do that right because what you are really looking for is their tongues licking your brown eye.
Chapter 3: The Wise Guy
Uh oh! Bob in accounting is wiseing up to your excuses. Whatever do you do? Relax and have a warm bowl of Spaghetti-O's. This one is a toughie; you didn't cook them long enough. Reheat. Take Bob aside and explain to him how all the reckless spending and unethical research are all byproducts of the last guy in charge. Make sure you made enough Spaghetti-O's to share with him. If he points out that you've already been in control of your company for half a year and spending has increased tenfold since then, explain to him that the spending is just a way to fix all the problems caused by your predecessor. Also point out that income has increased forty-fold in the last three months. If he asks how sucking the stockholders dry will save the company, hit him over the head with a brick. Your sex life is your own private concern, and that fuck shouldn't have been watching your house.
Chapter 4: The Cover Up
So you've got a body on your hands, eh? Not the sexy love goddess you've been dreaming of since you were twelve. Well then, hire a Mexican guy and have him bury the body somewhere in Central Park. When people at your company ask what happened to Bob, say, "I dunno. He really liked the Spaghetti-O's I shared with him. Sorry, not enough left for you." Should they complain, you just tell them that due to your predecessor's untrimmed budget, you didn't have enough money to keep Bob or them on the payroll, and you had to let him go, and they should pack their personal belongings as well. As they exit the building, drop Spaghetti-O's from the upper windows onto them, laughing loudly.
Chapter 5: The Police Are Coming
You wake up one morning to find the police knocking on your door. Apparently they found the body of an employee buried in Central Park. Explain to them that you know nothing about the body. If the police refuse to leave, tell them you heard a rumor about your predecessor killing employees to compensate for the fact that he has a small penis.
Chapter 6: So You've Ruined Your Company
So you've driven your company into the ground, and you're about to enter chapter 11? When the stockholders and employees come after you with pitchforks, you just tell them that you did your best to save the company after your predecessor completely obliterated it. You did your best, but you guess your best wasn't good enough. If they believe you, then you've successfully blamed your predecessor multiple times. If not, read on.
Chapter 7: Welcome to Hell
So now you're in hell, are you? When the devil comes to torture your soul for the next hundred years. Gently remind him that nothing that happened on Earth was your fault. If the devil refuses to listen and/or knows the truth about what you've done, get comfy, because this is going to be your new home for a long time.
