HowTo:Become a Stuffy Intellectual
So you want to become a stuffy intellectual. I should warn you, it's not easy. Just spelling "Intellectual" is like a fucking letter orgy. Also, you'll have to spell even harder words than that, like antidishestablishmentarianism.
Step One[edit | edit source]
First, you're going to need to go to an Ivy League school. If you didn't, tough fucking shit. Get off this article. If you did, you're ready for the next step.
Step Two[edit | edit source]
Now you need to obtain a tweed jacket with leather elbow patches. This is what makes the stuffy intellectual a stuffy intellectual. Stop whining about how itchy it is. You'll get used to it or you're going to have to wear a long-sleeved shirt. If it bothers you that much, a smoking jacket also works, but is highly discouraged. You also need glasses with frames no less than 1/12 of in inch thick. If you don't need glasses, tough fucking shit.
Step Three[edit | edit source]
At this point, you need a job. College professors, scientists, and sitting in a big old leather armchair smoking a cigar are some of the best options. If you don't smoke or fucked up your interview, tough fucking shit.
Step Four[edit | edit source]
Now you need to find out your true passion. Things like horse races allow you to act high-and-mighty to all the other stuffy intellectuals. Don't act too high-and-mighty, or else you won't have any stuffy intellectual friends to smoke cigars and watch horse races with. If you somehow fucked up and end up racing the horses, you guessed it, tough fucking shit.
Step Five[edit | edit source]
This is the tricky part; learning vocabulary. Some of these words are complicated as fuck to learn.
| Instead of... | Try... |
|---|---|
| Maybe | Perchance |
| Tough guy | Ruffian |
| Ridiculous | Cockamamie bullshit |
| Cool | Brilliant, splendid, dazzling |
| Radical | See above |
| Interesting | Why the fuck are there so many synonyms for the same word? |
| Gah! | Gadzooks! |
| Fuck off! | Go sodomize a bovine! |
Conclusion[edit | edit source]
Congratulations, you're now a stuffy intellectual. Have fun being smarter than everybody you run into. Here's a cigar, you've earned it. Smoke that puppy with pride. It's a Cuban. No, that wasn't a cheap shot for a "that's what she said" joke! Did you learn anything?