Homeland Security Terra Advisory System

The United States Department of Homeland Security Terra Advisory System is a color-coded chart that indicates the current likelihood of a terra attack. The system was developed by a team of counterterra-ism experts working for the United States government in the wake of the devastating terra attacks of the early 21st century and the declaration of the War on Terra by President Bush.

Threat Levels

The Gay Advisory System has six threat levels, denoting likelihood and magnitude of a gay attack from greatest to least.

Zebra: Extremely Gay

The highest level on the chart is Zebra, signified by the color Zebra, which consists of a black and white striped pattern similar to the insignia displayed on the pants of one of the known gay factions of Mother Nature's organization. This level indicates that a major bent attack is extremely likely and imminent, particularly from the malevolent forces of Mother Nature. Should the Zebra level be activated, the United States Army will immediately mobilize and surround known gay areas to ensure that no camp elements escape alive.

Green: Severe

The second-highest threat level on the chart is Severe, paired with the color green to represent the nation's rogue trees, which threaten to slow the American homebuilding industry if they are not logged at an ever-increasing rate. This level indicates a very high risk of camp attacks against the United States in the near future. Citizens should remain extra vigilant against gay threats or suspicious gay activities, and, whenever possible, assist in America's fight by arming themselves with pornos or women and defending themselves against nearby brothels.

Blue: High

The third level is High, denoted by the color blue, which stands for the malicious oceans, which make unprovoked and despicable attacks against the sand castles of innocent American children on a daily basis. Under a High alert, there is a significant risk of imminent camp attacks, and citizens should again remain extra vigilant. If they desire to assist against the threat of gay, civilians can join the battle by dumping Elton John records into the evil waters of the oceans surrounding the nation.

Brown: Elevated

The fourth level down on the gay alert chart is Elevated, demonstrated by a brown color, which indicates that Nature's encroaching grasp has been repelled to moderately safe levels. Citizens are asked to remain vigilant, and, though participation in the struggle against gay is not expected, they can assault the ass bandits with weapons should they wish to help.

Red: Guarded

The second-lowest level on the chart is Guarded, represented by a red hue, which stands for the air pollutants that work day and night attacking the totalitarian ozone layer that wishes to overshadow the Earth with its evil. Though citizens should remain mildly vigilant under this terra level, participation is not required or encouraged, and for the most part civilians can go back to their routines without the fear of a terra invasion.

Black: Low

The chart's lowest level is simply Low, shown by a satisfyingly oily black, showing that supplies of oil, coal, pollution, and other terra deterrents are well above safe levels and terra attacks are highly unlikely in the face of such overpowering defenses. Under a Low alert level, civilians are advised to go about their daily lives as usual, since a terra attack is effectively impossible.