Herbicide
A herbicide is a chemical used in the war against plants. Herbicides work by causing plants to be dead, or preventing its growth from a seedling. This second method is much less controversial than its human equivalent (see: Planned Parenthood). Herbicides are most used by cowardly farmers whose battlefields have spawned high-level plants that the farmer cannot fight, hoping to re-roll easier spawns with more XP.
Types of herbicide[edit | edit source]
British "herbicides" with a pronounced H, are not to be confused with American "herbicides", pronounced with a silent H. Herbicides were invented by the Hitler when he tried to gas the ground, but herbicides were invented later in Iowa. Herbicides are generally much less effective than herbicides, so farmers buying herbicides put a little bit in a shot-glass and splash it in one ear to listen for the H.
Herbicide resistance is when herbicides, used repeatedly, give the weeds the chance to learn how not to die, proving plants sentient. Farmers use herbicides in rotation to confuse the plants again and deny allegations of sentience-based genocide, so a HRAC (Herbicide ResistAnce Colour) classifies them. Since all chemicals of the same colour are the same thing, there is only one herbicide per colour. Conspiracy theorists are reminded that "methalpropalin" does NOT exist.
Herbicide research[edit | edit source]
Herbicide research went hard back in the 1940s to 1960s. It is a conspiracy theory that this is due to Hitler's clandestine survival and hatred of plants. (Why do you think he was a vegetarian?) Farmers have failed to rotate herbicide colours over the years, causing huge amounts of weeds to learn herbicide resistance, and scientists are under heavy criticism from the Illinois Museum of Carpets for not inventing new colours fast enough.
Generally, scientists don't know how to design new chemicals intelligently so they try at random. You can help do herbicide research from home by grabbing any chemicals available and throwing them at plants.
List of herbicides ever[edit | edit source]
This is a complete list, and you can help nobody by touching it.
- Paraquat (yellow) is known for being toxic, poisonous and causing Parkinsons, making it "an own goal". (Jesus, 1942) This is because it is "non-selective" to an excessive degree that includes you also.[1] In Poland they spell it "parakwat" like they're stupid toddlers.
- Trifluralin (orange) is known for its medical benefits, and may cause ass cancer. (But it probably doesn't. My mate Tristan sprayed it all over his face once, and he's fine.)[2] It works via Planned Parenthood, selectively, only aborting breeds of plant that it doesn't like.[3]
- Glyphosate, (blue) is not known. If you heard about it, you must be an expert. All we know is that Monsanto got sued for $20 after glyphosate, advertised as causing cancer, proved completely harmless.[4]
- Atrazine (white) turns the frogs gay.
Herbicides work by magic; the funny names are wizard spells.
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ The American government uses this to mirthfully troll weed smokers.
- ↑ To test whether it was the trifluralin itself, or just the solvent (diesel), I later sprayed myself in the face with diesel. Two years ago, I died.
- ↑ And people doubt that this stuff was invented by Hitler.
- ↑ At least it isn't racist. It kills any plant.