Heather Mills

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Heather... and her rabbit.

“Some have criticised Heather for divorcing Paul, but it must be hard for her to walk out on him”

~ Oscar Wilde on Heather Mills McCartney

Heather Anne Mills McCartney (born 12 January 1948 1968) is was the second wife of Paul McCartney. She is a former hardcore porn actress, personal prostitute to the Bin Laden Family, sworn enemy of pot dealers, one really loudmouth annoying bitch and now has a career as the number one source of all amputee- and money-grabbing wife jokes on the Internet and all-round general loonie. Her hobbies used to include walking around in minefields and forcing fucking musical genuises to quit smoking grass, confuzzling them so much that they start making shitty music.. Which may be a good reason of being so "stunned as me arse" and they say in Newfoundland.

Heather had been nominated for a "Noble Bitch prize" because she is such a fucking wanker. One day after the ridiculouly expensive divorce, Linda McCartney rose from the dead, stole Heather's leg, used it to beat the crap out of her 'cause the Lovely Linda totally PWNS, and she wanted that golddigging biotch to stay away from her beloved Paul for putting him through so much sorrow and forcing him to (gasp!) quit smoking weed. Then, after proclaiming her undying love for Paul McCartney in an Oscar-worthy water-works scene, she died again. Bummer.

Heather Mills McCartney Jokes/Facts[edit | edit source]

  • A miner in Africa has an accident and loses his leg. He says to a friend who comes to see him; "I'm f**ked, who's going to want a one legged gold digger?" His friend instantly replies, "try Paul McCartney"
  • News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills- McCartney. Mrs Mills- McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm stumped!"
  • Rumours abound over the split have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible," a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".
  • When Paul introduced Heather to the rest of his family, he said "Meet my current wife. I call her my current wife just to keep her on her toes."
  • The Favorite sport on Newfoundland is Clubbing Heather Mills.
  • Paul McCartney was asked by a journalist, will you ever go down on one knee again? Paul replied, i would prefer if you call her heather!
  • Heather's leg is hollow. She hides Paul's bongs in it.
  • Her full name is Heather Eileen Peg Mills.
  • (More or less)True newspapaer story: One day, Heather, in a green slip and Sunday wooden leg, was mistaken by a bunch of stoned landscape artists as a REALLY ugly tree. They planted her headfirst and poured pitchers of cold water on her when she tried to complain, calling it an "unexpected baptism". She is now a fervent beliver in Instant Karma
  • One Christmas, Paul gave Heather a new leg. He said "Don't worry, it's not your main present - it's just a stocking filler".

These jokes are 'ROFL material', but let's spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another lady that can fill her shoe. And Really Big Mouth.

See also[edit | edit source]