Green Holes, Purple Holes, Red Holes and More

Intro

You may be wondering why the hell anyone is writing an article on Red Holes. Well, this is probably not the kind of article you think it is. You've most likely heard of a white hole or at least a black hole. If not, you should exit the premises and bang your head against a steel spiked wall on fire and contemplate your life as you do it. If you have heard of at least one of them, well then good for you. You're probably not an idiot. Either way, I'm not going to purposefully explain them. That's not what the point of this article is. This is to explain other, very similar things.(I suppose the one of few differences is that black and white holes must exist with the other)

Colored Holes

Red and Cyan Holes

Just as black holes suck in physical matter and white holes do the opposite, red holes suck in time. They spit it out through cyan holes. As unaware cookiefonster explains in their so called "spoof articles," Santa is currently the only being with the ability to wield and use them properly. They can simply be created by storing Graham's number in one's brain or a small computer. To create a cyan hole, just think of the negative version of Graham's number. Red holes allow backwards time travel, and cyan holes allow forwards time travel. Most people who encounter these travel too far in either direction and get deleted from the timeline by the Flying Spaghetti Monster or the Hashbrown Gods/Great Potato (depends on when go to). Santa and his elves were the first to avoid this, and began to deliver presents to children due to all the requests he received.

Green and Purple holes

Green and purple holes are a very strange phenomenon. They can transport you to alternate universes, as green holes suck in probability/improbability and purple holes dispel it. Essentially going into a green hole will teleport you to the most likely universe, and a purple one will teleport you to the most unlikely one. The first ones were created when the Improbability Drive first teleported to its desired location. The only other way to create them is to think of or process an infinitely small number. There is no way to tell which will be created, as they are based upon probability. They must exist within red holes, just as probability must exist with time. There is no hole that allows backwards probability in this dimension, as it defies its current physics (meaning that they can't exist in cyan holes).

Blue Holes

Unlike the above, there is no other opposing hole to go with it. This hole allows for travel across all the possibilities and impossibilities of everything, transporting whatever goes into it to different eras with different physics. The only problem is, you don't know when or where you're going to, you forget why, or what you're going to be. You could end up as jabba the hutt, in a mickey mouse cartoon, in the year 593 BC asking the gobgogabolab for an onion. Or whatever else you could possibly imagine. I suggest not microwaving grapes wrapped in tinfoil painted blue, as this creates them, as low as the chances may be...

Brown Holes

Brown holes are even odder than the rest, as they simply stop all time, space, probability, matter, gravity, and physics. They can be created when 24 dog shits fly through the same wormhole at once and merge together in the 74th dimension. This happens very rarely, but the last time it did, it created the Easter Bunny and then disappeared. The Almighty Doug was very confused when this happened, so he asked The Almighty Bob about it, but instead they got into an argument about who would take out the trash for 146 years and completely forgot about it. This is why we don't leave our garbage in the can on trash day people!

Rainbow and Mirror Holes

Mirror holes can be created within bathrooms. To make one, just perform a satanic ritual (any one you like, it doesn't matter) while singing the same barney song over and over again. After three to five minutes you should be feeling like your body is non-painfully being turned inside out because you fell through the pentagram that became the mirror hole. Basically everything looks, smells, tastes, feels, and sounds backwards. I mean, it's a mirror hole, what did you expect? Also to get out you need to do the exact same thing as before, but just backwards. Should be easy enough. Rainbow holes are probably the most efficient and easiest to make. To make a rainbow hole you need to find or make a rainbow, follow it to the end, cut a hole into it with any 5 inch switchblade (must be a pocketknife), and you have a portal to the underworld.

Other Holes

Nonexistent Holes

These things don't exist. If you go in to one, you stop existing. To find to one, don't exist. If you don't exist, you should already be inside of one and don't need to look for one.

Joke Holes

Joke holes can only be found on april fools day if somebody played an insanely hilarious and good prank on someone that was nearly impossible and well worth the effort. Unfortunately, humans are not very smart and began to lose their good sense of humor in the year 327 BC. This is why the majority of these were created in ancient Egypt that lead to their religions. At some point their technology became so advanced due to this, and 67% of them left Earth without a trace. Now we were stuck with slow evolving idiots for the rest of Earth's existence. They tried to contact us but nobody listened because we (most of us) thought that crop circles came from aliens. So they just left. Dammit ancient Egyptians! Anyway, joke holes can be found about 2-3 feet in any direction away from the person or other living thing who played the prank. They look like the top part of an inside out umbrella and are only accessible to that person. They basically just make you a ton smarter without increasing your brain mass, which is how the AEs discovered how to utilize quantum physics.

Potato Holes

As you know, potatoes are a supreme being and exist in a separate kingdom of their own and are the basis for the one true religion. Potato holes, however (more commonly known as "Almighty Holes"), can only be discovered when researching the ways of the superior science of starch. Only a select few Starchmasters around the world who have achieved near full potassienlightenment and journeyed to the center of the dangerous temples of spud have found them. Most have suffered the same fate as those of the Evil Mashed Potatoes, but being a survivor myself, I managed to find and enter an Almighty Hole to receive the final test. I had to fight the 3 fallen Tomatoists who had caused the most fatal "natural" disasters on Earth. Really all you have to do is outsmart them, though, so it wasn't too hard. Once they were defeated, I was granted access to The Eyes of Tuberosum, giving me complete potassienlightenment. I can only speak of this, yet I cannot give away the secrets to where or how to reach this. You must complete this journey yourself. If you use the potential powers of pasta this should be pretty easy.

Dryer Holes

These are no secret. Dryer holes are obviously the sock sucking portals which aggravate people from around the world. You may have noticed the way they dry; spinning the water off clothes to oblivion. What you may not have noticed was the microscopic reddish greenish orb (or bluish yellowish, depending on where it was made) in the very back of the machine. These holes measure 1/38 of a planck measurement. It's usually pulsating with a pinkish glow, that can only be seen with a very strong magnifying glass or microscope. This orb detects whether a sock has a pair or not and there is a fifty fifty chance that it will suck it into the sock dimension. It does this until it has scanned all the socks in the dryer and disappears until the dryer is turned back on. The sock dimension is infinitely big, so as to fit all of the socks from everywhere in the realm of existence, of all living things that have invented some form of sock. There they become part of a sock ecosystem that honestly shouldn't exist because it smells horrible and looks really weird. But it exists and I have learned to deal with the fact over my years of existence.

Ice holes

It's just basically hot ice that can exist in fire. I don't know why it's called a hole though. Whatever. That's irrelevant.

Fire Holes

Love is a burning thing, and it makes a fiery ring; bringing me the wild desire, I fell into a ring of fire. I fell into into the burning ring of fire. I fell down down down down into the deepest fire, and it burns burns burns burns, the ring of fire, the ring of fire, the ring of fire.

Soviet Holes

Soviet holes utilize negative neutrino reconstruction to reverse literally everything. Neutrinos are usually neutral particles, hence their name, but some russian scientists found out how to make them have a negative charge and rearrange the mass in any gas to convert unconnected matter into a negative yet stable insanely small particle. They essentially found out how make a form of dark matter because they were so tired of that russia joke. Unfortunately, Chuck Norris still kills you regardless. But in America, you write Uncyclopedia. In Soviet Hole, Uncyclopedia write YOU! Literally.

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