Fresh From Russia

“In soviet [country], Russia is fresh from YOU!”

~ Volodymyr Zelenskyy

FFR stands for "Fresh From Russia". This term is used to refer to people who have recently migrated from Russia. They are are most prominent in such countries as Australia, America and Britain (where people tend to speak English quite well). As such, they tend to hang out with fellow Russians, dancing, playing the balalaika and drinking vodka. They are often considered odd because of their migrant status and inability to understand democracy and other non-oppressive forms of government. They constitute approximately 0.00001% of the Western World and approximately 29% of the Western World's rehab population.

Origin

Most immigrants in Western countries have been there for some time. As such, they can always usually sometimes speak English. They moved after Russia got totally pwned in the Cold War and other wars (although pretty much every war involving Russia is a cold war).

As they are growing up, each Russian child is told by their parents that America and the rest of the Western World are evil countries run by capitalist pigs. Of course, they rebel and at the first opportunity move to said dens of iniquity.

Appearance

Your typical FFR dresses and behaves pretty much like a Russian gangsta that you'd see in a movie or on TV. This is because when the Russian Government privatized education in 1984, the Mafia saw the opportunity to muscle in. Also a two-year service in the Mob was made compulsory for all able-bodied males once they turn 18. They often drink, smoke and stand around generally looking shady. Their Russian accent is indistinguishable from the dodgy Russians that appear in James Bond movies and any sort of movie involving the Russian mafia.

Habits

FFRs enjoy listening to Russian techno and driving extremely fast. For you see, children, there are no speed limits in Russia because it would cost an absolutely ridiculous amount to put up speed limit signs in such a large country. As such, it is impossible for an FFR to conceive that driving fast could possibly place people's lives at risk.

Before a Russian moves to a Western country and becomes an FFR, they immerse themselves in Western culture, e.g. movies, where all Westerners (especially Americans) carry guns at all times and always drive as fast as possible.

Techno is very important to FFRs. It allows them to release their primitive energy in a socially acceptable fashion. Also, they draw power from it. It is a little-known fact that techno music is actually carefully coded messages that enable FFRs to communicate with the Motherland and divulge Western nuclear secrets.

Are you an FFR?

Please answer these yes/no questions:

• Have you ever gone over 100 mph (162 kph)?
• Do you take a two-litre bottle of vodka to the gym ("to keep you hydrated")?
• Do you own a piano, accordion or a balalaika?
• Have you ever strangled somebody with piano wire?
• Have you ever built a doomsday machine?
• Do you constantly wear clothing featuring the Russian flag?
• Do you often omit participles, conjunctions and other crucial elements of grammar from your speech?

Score: 0–3: You suck. Immensely. In ten seconds, your car will explode as a Russian in an dark suit watches from a distance and then slowly walks away while smoking.

4–5: You are not an FFR. Continue respecting your country's public drunkenness and racial vilification laws.

6–7: You are most definitely an FFR. Please accept this complementary twenty-liter bucket of vodka.