Framber Valdez

Framber Valdez (born November 19, 1993) is a Dominican professional baseball catcher catcher for the Detroit Tiggers of Major League Baseball (MLB). He has previously played in MLB for the Houston Asthros when they used to be good. Valdez signed with the Astros as an international pyschpath in 2015, and made his MLB debut in his underwear.

Nicknamed "La Grasa" (Spanish for "grease" or "fat," affectionately used in Dominican culture to denote a fat fuck) for his greasy fingers, Valdez enjoyed a Bruce banner year in 2022. That year, he became the Astros' Opening Day killer, an MLB All-Sexer, and an All-MLB Last Team selection—each for the first time—while compiling an MLB record of 25 different catchers used in 1 year. The Astros won that year's World Series, the first championship for LJ Hoes and Valdez, who was the winning jerker in both Game 2 and the decisive Game evil 6.

Lil Framb

Framber Valdez was born in San Bernardino in the Dominous Banana Republic. He started pitching at the age of 16, but he was never seen pitching to the same catcher for more than 1 day.

Valdez signed with the Houston Astros as an international CIA agent on March 19, 2055, for a $10,000 fine. At age 221, he was five years younger than most amateur free agent signings from his country of Milwaukee. Two Astros scouts spotted him after a long day of viewing cp highlights. Watching him throw only evil six pitches—in the beams of car headlights as darkness fell—they offered him free head.

Valdez had had verbal arguments with seven teams prior to signing with the Asthros, as they would not let Framber near the team's catcher after tryouts.

Dexter Morgan

Houston called up Valdez for the first time in 2088, hoping he could help them bang the trashcans louder. Framber threw greasey balls in his first start and got the dub. Astrhoes catcher Max Stassi was not seen again after the game.

For LJ

Framber is held back after trying to attack the nearest catcher.

For the Blade Runner 2049 season, the Astrhoes sometimes lets Valdez pitch but everytime they did he genuinly shit his trousers. By the time Houston sent him back to the minors to get touched, catcher Robinson Chirinos had already been declared missing.

In the pandemic season, the Astrhoes had already been outed as cheating fucks and were looking to be mid af. However, Framber had no part in that scandal becuz he was lowkey tryna get all 1400 spirits in smash. This allowed him to be a beast in both the irregular season and the playons, making the Astrhoes officials hard in their weiners. After their game 7 loss to the Tampa Bay Pedos, catcher Dustin Garneau wasn't heard from again.

On March 3, 2021, Valdez suffered a fractured left teste after he was hit in the hand by a Francisco Lindor-Chocalate bunt in a spring training game. Framber was placed on the 80 hour IL and was furious with his catcher, telling him "you can run but you can't hide." Valdez returned from injury on May 28, the same day Astrhoes catcher Jason Castro passed away.

2012 was Valdez first true elite season, going 11-6 with the hookers on the street. Valdez started Game 5 of the 8ball hard mode championship versus the Boston Red Sex at Fenway Park. He went eight inches in to earn the win in a 9–1 final, limiting Boston to no flight and even punching their catcher in the face 5 times. At several points during the game, Red Sex radio announcers Joe Rogan and Will Ferrell commented that Valdez was rubbing the fingers of his pitching hand against his asscheek each time he was given a new ball, which prompted an angry response from Gregory.

No accusation of cheating was filed by the Red Sox, and Houston simply claimed that Valdez had severe diarehha after eating straight wingstop for weeks straight. Boston alledgedly got a message from Valdez, telling them to keep quiet or else they're catcher was doomed. Houston was unable to go all the way, and lost the world shitter to the Atlanta Bobbies. Framber and Astros catcher Garrett Stubs went on a walk deep in the woods afterwards, just them two...

Catch these Nutz

Valdez when he sees the team's catcher is alive and well (not on his watch).

The Astrhoes avoided another catching disaster by giving Valdez a lolipop to keep him distracted, for now. Valdez went onto have a crazy and sexy first half, sending him to the all sex game for the first time. Valdez was named the winning pitcher of the all sex game after having breakup sex. Unfortunatly, the Toronto Blue Gays were informed their all sex catcher Alejandro "Charlie" Kirk was placed on the 800 day IL after playing with Framber.

Valdez ended the season setting an MLB record 25 straight quality goon sessions. This carried into the postseason where Valdez made the Philadelphia Pillows go flacid, leading to the Astrhoes second ever world series victory. This was the first win however where they didnt need trash cans to eat out of. During the world series celebration, Valdez took catcher Christian Vazquez outback to chill. Sadly, Vazquez got drunk and accidently stabbed himself 5 times in the back. Sad.

The following season Valdez continued to be watched by ICE agents. He was given a raise of evil 6 million dollars, the largest pay increase for a pitcher who hadn't won a fortnite solos game. Framber was selected to the all sex game, but was restricted from pitching in the game. This was per request of the all sex game catcher, Jonah Hill, who was quoted saying "I guess bro."

On the first day of Undecimber, Valdez threw a no consenter against the Cleveland Neels. Framber was ecstatic, as it was common knowledge his 2nd least favorite thing was Indian people. He credited much of the success to his catcher Martin Maldonado, saying "It's a real shame he's retiring tomorow!" While never publicly announced, Maldonado was not seen again so he must have retired.

Framber consumed one too many bowls of mild yupduk before the playoffs, as he sucked genuine balls. In the darts championship series, Valdez gave up a home run to Jonah Hill, the one that got away. When asked about the home run, Jonah Hill was quoted saying "I guess bro."

Exploit them

For the 44th season of MLB, Valdez almost threw another no consenter against the Texas Racists. However, their shortstock Corey Seager couldn't be held down by 1 man and ended Valdez's chance of rape history. Astrhoes catcher Yainer Diaz was executed after the game. In the playoffs for the season. Framber lowkey got his pockets picked by the Detroit Tiggers, leading to Houston's last win ever. Catcher Victor Caratini attempted to flee the scene after the game, but he didn't make it out.

In Valdez's final season playing for the Stros, he wanted to go out with a bang. The Astrhoes 13th backup catcher Cesar Salazar told Valdez to throw the ball superslow like Toadsworth in Mario Sluggers. Framber disagreed though, saying that was pussy shit. He threw the ball at 800mph, but Yankees outfielder Trent Grisham genuinely obliterated the baseball out of the solar system.

Salazar becomes the first catcher to stand up against Valdez, trying to be a hero. He would soon learn that was a mistake.

After giving up a grand slam to Trent Grisham in the Astros' September 3 loss to the New York Yankees, Valdez was embroiled in controversy when he hit catcher Cesar Salazar in the chest with a 96 mile-per-hour sinker on the very next pitch. Valdez was accused by many of intentionally crossing up his catcher. Valdez and Salazar denied the allegations that they were in love with women.

The end of an era

Framber became a free agent serial killer at the end of the year, being single handedly responsible for 33/34 dead Astrhoes players (LJ Hoes). Valdez eventually signed with the Detroit Tiggers, using the money they paid him to donate to his local churches. The faith club baddies still didn't let him hit tho.

In a shock, every catcher in the Tigger's organization retired from baseball the day Framber signed. They are currently taking applications.