Failology
The study of failology is of course the scientific study of fail. I will be elaborating on the medical side of the matter through my own theories and conclusions drawn from my previous studies of cake physics and the human phenomenon of fail.
What is it?[edit | edit source]
As we all know when we are born we are born with “complete innocence”. We can and have no way of committing crimes against others and ourselves meaning we are pure for the first year (almost) of our lives. Along with “innocence” we are all born with what is none as Fex (fail), Cem (common sense), and Cal (success) chemicals. These chemicals throughout a life time constantly flex and are thrown out of balance depending on a person’s awesomeness.
When we are young are levels of Fex or fail are abnormally high while our levels of Cem and Cal are abnormally low. These unbalances are normal between the ages of 0-3 causing occurrences such as your first steps being into a wall, your first words being fuck and or any other profanity, and pooping in your pants. Unlike other chemicals in our body Fex, Cem, and Cal can be controlled consciously after the age of 3 once theoretically speaking you should have gained a some what veg understanding of yourself and the world around you.
Fail still greatly occurs during the younger years of your life, but now that you have a small control over it you can being to increase your awesome and slowly balance your Fex, Cem, and Cal levels. With a normal child around the ages of 12 or 13 is when the levels of fail are under control and Cal and Cem can start playing a larger role in ones life. Then there are those of unnatural occurrence that either produce a large amount of awesome with high Cem and Cal levels or those that produce little to no awesome where their Cem and Cal levels are extremely low.
When ones levels of fail are extremely high at the age(s) of maturity there is little to no chance that they will ever "win" in life. Yes, these men and women become doctors, lawyers, business people, and even teachers, but they fail at normal day to day things people with levels of awesome (the combination of your Cem and Cal chemicals) usually don't. For example running into a door because you thought it was open, spending several hours crafting the perfect burrito only to slip on a piece of chicken and have it crash to the ground, or googling the phase "Is Edward Cullen real?". It is a sad, but true reality for those of us in life who truly do fail, but to those of you who think they are safe look again. Inside each and every one of us Fex exists, it's what makes people people just like it makes raccoons raccoons or platypuses platypuses. Everything and anything fails just some things fail a lot harder than others.
Scoring some Awesome[edit | edit source]
During my research on fail I came across a drug that actually claims to boost your awesome levels for a short period of time. At first I though "impossible", but as I pondered on the thought it dawned on me "well awesome is the combination of our Cem and Cal chemicals so why not it be possible to take something that messes with those levels like any other drug". I began looking deeper into the subject asking dealers were I might be able to find this awesome enhancer and was eventually able to come across a man by the name of Baba J who was a sub-dealer (gets his stash from another person) from someone he called The Boss.
I told him I was a rich man with a lot of cash on me looking to score a whole lot of awesome as I opened a briefcase full of about 5,000 dollars in fun bucks from a local arcade. Thank science he was a little to high to tell the difference between the fun bucks from real money, good thing he was smoking pot and not popping awesome that day or else he would have seen right through the briefcase and exposed my lie. In a sluggish voice he told me to meet him at the pear tomorrow night at 9 o'clock sharp where he then would take me to The Boss.
Money in hand and Baba J at my side I followed him to an abandoned wear house where we weaved through old scrap metal and eventually to a white door labeled "LAB". He pointed to the door and I stepped inside as the the door was closed behind me. A tall looking white man with large rimed glasses sat in a single chair that sat in front of two other other white doors labeled "LAB". He looked at the brief case and motioned for it, I walked only three steps before I reached him and handed him the briefcase. He weighed it in his hands for several minuets before reaching behind the couch and handed me a small box. I thanked him and left the small white room. Baba J showed me out, but before I took my leave he told me "artificial awesome is a dangerous thing so be careful with what you got. Too much of that stuff is gonna fuck with your brain and you'll never be able to come back. You've got enough right there to rule the world so be careful with it".
Several weeks have passed since then and I have started to experiment with the awesome I have obtained. Several of my staff have volunteered to take these pills and let me hold experiments and observed the side effects. The results are amazing, but of course come with there side effects.
Results[edit | edit source]
- x-ray vision and/or laser vision
- super logic skills
- success at everything
- causing things to explode because of your radiating of awesome
Side-Effects[edit | edit source]
- burning of the retinas
- loss of brain cells (like any other drug)
- reckless actions caused by the temporary ability to do anything
- unnoticed injuries (the awesome numbs pain)
- financial crisis caused by the destruction of property by explosion
- depression
- nausea
- vomiting
- diarrhoea