Escape From Tarkov

Escape From Tarkov

Backstory

Set in Russia in the year 2028, Escape from Tarkov is a game developed and published by Battleshit Games, the makers of Contract Wars. The idea behind Escape from Your Basement is simple; spawn in, harass local residents, pillage, and leave; like what Great Britain did. Many different systems make this game unique, such as a wide range of movement speeds and an arsenal of fun weapons you don't get to use because you're already dead. The primary in-game currency is based on the Russian Ruble, yet you can also get America Bucks, and Europe Flavoured Paper as well.

The main goal in Escape from Tarkov is to Escape from Tarkov. After playing for a while, you'll realize there's only one way to truly escape Tarkov: suicide.

The Maps of Tarkov

Escape from Tarkov offers many maps you can visit, many of which offer their own benefits. The rat infested reserve is perfect for anyone who likes being a bitch, and with the long awaited Streets of Tarkov map, you can get an unregistered colonoscopy in an urban environment. Below is a list of the maps with key things to note.

1. Customs
   • Yes daddy Prapor, I'll retrieve your pocket watch.
   • How do I retrieve the pocket watch.
   • I found the pocket watch, but died.
   • I want to fucking cry.
2. Interchange
   • Man in a tracksuit.
   • Based on a real mall.
   • Dark corners to hide the tech rats.
   • "Is that a guy?"
   • "That was a guy."
   • Negative Yelp reviews regarding the smell.
   • They didn't have the shoe colour I wanted.
3. Reserve
   • Home to the average sewer rat.
   • Abandoned military base with limited military elements.
   • Inconvenient extraction points.
   • I'd rather die.
4. Factory
   • Claustrophobics beware.
   • You like breathing? Not anymore.
   • I think I have tetanus.
5. Woods
   • Smell the fresh pine trees.
   • Stash some snackies for Jaeger
   • Where am I?
6. Shoreline
   • Home to the Azure Coast Health Resort, a great place to get shot.
   • There are cabins not far from the health resort. You get shot if you go there.
   • Water treatment plant has a mounted LMG. Go there if you want to get shot.
   • Oh, you're just here to finish the Punisher Taskline? Fuck you.
   • The chances of you enjoying Shoreline are less than your chances of getting laid, which is less than zero.
7. Lighthouse
   • Home to the trader Lightkeeper.
   • Someone once told me they liked Tarkov, I showed them a picture of this map.
   • Home to grenade launchers. We don't touch those.
   • Imagine shooting yourself.
   • The map is connected by a single road.
8. Streets of Tarkov
   • The long awaited 0.13 patch brought it to us.
   • Only half of it is here, which means only half the pain.
   • Coffee.
   • Earlier, unscheduled colonoscopies were mentioned. Get them here.
   • Twice as large as Interchange.

The Traders

Do you like buying things? "FUCK YOU!" says Batshit Games as they make characters that make you pay $168 for a bottle of fucking water. Buy Eastern shit from Prapor and Western shit from Peacekeeper. Buy drugs, bandages, and food from Therapist, and that's all that matters.

Reviews

"Welcome to Kick Me in the Balls, I would say Escape from Tarkov, but no. Kick Me in the Balls" -TuxBird

"It was great practice" -James Earl Ray

"dude it's so much pain disguised as pain but i love it" -itzcl0udz

"I don't know how to play Tarkov" -IGN 6.8/10

"Masochists will love it" -IIsApplePie

"We should raise cost of living for single mothers" -Redditor