Duewag DB Klasse 628

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Average condition

The Duewag 628 is a German Kolonisationspendolino, which has recently begun colonizing the Czech railway network. These units are predominantly used on Scheißexpress services and the prestigious AEx trains from Prague to Trenčín.

Originally designed with Deutsche Gründlichkeit for rural branch lines in Germany, these venerable railbuses now roam the lands of Bohemia and Moravia, replacing domestic relics with their unmistakable Teutonic efficiency. Passengers are greeted by the gentle hum of an aging diesel engine, accompanied by the subtle aroma of decades-old upholstery—a true Erlebnis for railway enthusiasts and unexpecting commuters alike.

Despite their noble German heritage, the Duewag 628 has been met with mixed feelings in its new domains. Some hail it as a step forward, a Zivilisierungsmission on steel rails. Others, however, lament the loss of true Czech train culture, as another foreign force arrives to shape the future of local rail travel. Whatever the case, the Kolonisationszug shows no signs of retreating.

Why Are We Being Colonized?[edit | edit source]

Czech 854 Class railbuses weren't cool anymore, as Ministry of Transportation said, eventhough they were used on Vindobona expresses from Berlin to Wien in late 60's and 70's.

The first specimens of the Germanic rail plague were introduced to Czech territory by Arriva in 2013, operating local passenger services to Kralupy. This seemingly innocent infestation would soon escalate into full-scale Eisenbahnkolonisation.

Sometime around 2018, the Czech Ministry of Transport made a fateful decision: they no longer wanted Czech Railways (České dráhy, or ČD) to operate local Scharzkoexpress services such as Bezděz from Rumburk to Koulín and Jizera (formerly Jan Palach) from Vršovice to Tanvald (and occasionally Harrachov). The reason? The ministry deemed the existing rolling stock—47-year-old class 854 railcars (along with 842 and 843 units used on express services between Plzeň and Most)—too old.

This was despite the fact that these noble veterans had already been modernized with 230V power sockets, Wi-Fi, first-class seating, and other civilized amenities. But the Ministry of Transport, in its infinite wisdom, decided that the old guard had to be replaced. And since Arriva and GW Train Regio were already lurking on Czech tracks like opportunistic vultures, the ministry handed them the keys to the kingdom.

Arriva already had a few Duewag 628s in service (which they rebranded as class 845.1, 845.2, and 845.3), but GW Train had none. So, in a truly deutsche Effizienz move, GW Train turned to DB Regio, which was preparing to scrap these relics of the German past. Instead of meeting their well-deserved end in a scrapyard, these glorious diesel units were instead purchased for pocket change and sent to conquer new lands.

Today, most of these units have undergone brutal surgical procedures at Zpras Nova in Šumperk, where their interiors have been bastardized—receiving modernized seats, 230V power outlets, Wi-Fi, and other features meant to create the illusion of progress. However, beneath their fresh coats of paint, they remain what they always were: ancient, rattling diesel boxes, dragging their decrepit frames across the Czech railway network, claiming new territory like Panzertrains of Doom.

Specs[edit | edit source]

Sick internals

Duewag DB Class 628.2 (Arriva 845, GW Train 628)[edit | edit source]

This two-part monstrosity consists of:

  • A noisy, trembling motor unit that shouts its existence at everything within a five-kilometer radius.
  • A deathly silent control car featuring a "quiet section"—a cruel joke in a train that was never meant to be quiet.

Technical Details[edit | edit source]

  • Years of production: 1986–1989 (Back when the Berlin Wall still existed, and yet these things outlived it.)
  • Weight (empty): 68 tons of pure German engineering fatigue.
  • Engine: A Daimler-Benz OM444 diesel engine, producing 410 kW (600 hp)—just enough to pretend it isn’t struggling.
  • Maximum speed: 120 km/h (theoretically; in reality, it often cruises at "let’s hope it makes it" km/h).
  • Length: Just over 45 meters of aging Deutsche Bahn leftovers.

Passenger Capacity[edit | edit source]

  • Seats: 128–140 (If you count the ones that aren’t broken.)
  • Standing capacity: Unlimited (If you can squeeze in, you belong.)
  • Bicycle capacity: TOO MUCH (At any given time, it is 40% train, 60% mobile bicycle storage unit.)
Arriva 845

Onboard Amenities[edit | edit source]

  • Heating:
    • Electric (when it works).
    • Steam (for that authentic experience).
  • Toilets:
    • 1 (for 628, 845.1, and 845.2 passengers, enjoy the line).
    • 2 (for 845.3 passengers, congratulations, you have achieved luxury).
GW Train Regio 628

Nicknames (Because People Needed to Cope)[edit | edit source]

  • "Limetka" (The Lime) – Given by Arriva, presumably in reference to its blue-green color, or the bitter taste it leaves in passengers’ mouths.
  • "Mrkev" (The Carrot) – GW Train’s affectionate term, because it is orange and about as useful as an actual carrot when it comes to railway modernization.

Where You Can Encounter This thing?[edit | edit source]

On the Alphabet Soup System (S-Bahn & Regional Routes)[edit | edit source]

If you’re brave enough to use train in Czechia, you may come across these unwanted German refugees colonizing:

  • S6, S49 – Suburban torture devices.
  • R14A, R14B, R22, R24, R25, R26 – "Expresses" that redefine the meaning of speed (or lack thereof).

On the Timetable System (GVD – General Vomit Division)[edit | edit source]

Since GVD 2013[edit | edit source]

  • Commuter trains from Kralupy nad Vltavou to Praha-Hostivař – 55 km (~1 hour, or 3 hours if leaves fall on the tracks)
    • The first experiment in whether Czech passengers could survive Arriva’s service.

Since GVD 2020[edit | edit source]

"Shit Express"[edit | edit source]

(Named after the experience of using them.)

  • Ex. R Otava: Prague Main Station → Příbram → Písek → České Budějovice (Arriva)
    • 190 km, scheduled for 3 hours, but realistically 7-9 hours
    • Enjoy scenic views of South Bohemia, assuming the train doesn’t break down in the middle of a forest.
Local "Express" Trains[edit | edit source]

(Like an express train, but with twice the delays.)

  • Ex. R Bezděz: Rumburk → Česká Lípa → Doksy → Mladá Boleslav → Nymburk → Kolín (Arriva)
    • 160 km, officially 3h 30min, but in reality: anywhere from 5 hours to infinity
    • Expect a fun game of "Will we make it?" every time the doors fail to close or your train catches fire.
  • Ex. R Jizera: Prague Main Station → Vysočany → Neratovice → Všetaty → Mladá Boleslav → Mnichovo Hradiště → Turnov → Železný Brod → Tanvald (Arriva)
    • 145 km, planned for 3 hours, but sometimes 6+ hours if someone sneezes on the control panel.
    • Guaranteed Features:
      • A silent section where the silence is broken only by frustrated sighs.
      • Wi-Fi that appears in the train menu but doesn’t actually work.
      • A chance to meet wild boars when the train breaks down in a field.
  • Ex. R Nameless: Plzeň → Plasy → Blatno u Jesenice → Žatec → Jirkov → Most (GW Train Regio)
    • 140 km, advertised as 2h 45min, but could take up to 6 hours if a pigeon lands on the tracks.
    • Passengers often form support groups after surviving this route.
"Expresses" That Aren’t Really Expresses[edit | edit source]

(A psychological experiment in testing human patience.)

  • Ex. R Lány: Prague Masaryk Station → Dejvice → Kladno → Rakovník
    • 80 km, officially 1h 40min, but delays can push it to 4+ hours.
    • Expect a scenic yet painful journey through suburban wastelands.

Since GVD 2021[edit | edit source]

New Excuses for Delays[edit | edit source]
  • Ex. R Ploučnice: Liberec → Jablonné v Podještědí → Mimoň → Česká Lípa → Benešov nad Ploučnicí → Děčín East → Děčín Main → Ústí nad Labem
    • 120 km, officially 2h 45min, but you should clear your schedule for the whole day.
    • Now featuring spontaneous "technical stops" in the middle of nowhere!
  • Ex. R Ještěd: Liberec → Rychnov u Jablonce → Turnov → Malá Skála → Semily → Dvůr Králové → Jaroměř → Hradec Králové → Pardubice
    • 135 km, scheduled for 3 hours, but can easily become 8-18 hours if the train decides to just give up.
    • Experience a thrilling mix of breakdowns, overcrowding, and soul-crushing despair.

All of these routes are operated by Arriva, meaning passengers will "enjoy":

  • Vibrating seats that provide a full-body massage (whether you like it or not).
  • A modernized interior that looks nice but will not prevent the train from spontaneously dying.
  • Wi-Fi that connects but doesn't actually load anything.
  • Announcements that cut out mid-sentence, leaving you to guess where you are.
  • A train schedule that is merely a suggestion.

If you manage to arrive at your destination on the same day, consider yourself lucky!

Arriva Express use[edit | edit source]

Average seat in ArrivaExpress

It is a well-documented tragedy that for a brief, cursed period, Arriva decided to operate 845.1 and 845.2 railbuses on AEx (Arriva Express) trains under the name ArrivaExpress, running between Prague and Trenčín. This was a decision so bold—and so deeply flawed—that it could only have been made by people who have never set foot on a train.

For locomotive engineers pulling six battered B-class cars with their Pershing locomotives, the sight of a tiny, overburdened diesel railbus desperately crawling down the main railway corridor must have been pure comedy. But for the unfortunate souls trapped inside, the experience was akin to a slow, suffocating descent into madness.

The biggest and most catastrophic mistake? The train had just one toilet. One.

Now, imagine a seven-hour journey on a packed railbus, where passengers had nothing better to do than drink cheap beer and coffee, unknowingly signing their own doom. It wasn’t long before horrifying queues began forming in front of the single, overworked restroom. The stench of suffering grew by the hour.

It got so bad that Arriva had to introduce a toilet reservation system, which—predictably—failed spectacularly. Some passengers, unable to hold it any longer, resorted to urinating in corners, while others—those whose bowels could no longer withstand the horrors of ArrivaExpress—soiled the very seats they had paid for. By the time the train rolled into Trenčín, it reeked like a medieval battlefield.

Realizing that their trains were beginning to resemble mobile biohazards, Arriva, in cooperation with PARS NOVA a.s., eventually retrofitted the trains with a second toilet, leading to the creation of the 845.3 series.

Meanwhile, the 845.2 series, which was supposed to be an "upgrade" with a small onboard buffet, only exacerbated the nightmare—because what do people do when they have access to unlimited beer and coffee for seven hours? That’s right: they drink even more.

And so, the smell of despair continued to linger inside these trains—an airborne reminder that some mistakes cannot simply be flushed away.

Controversy[edit | edit source]

Nope. This isn't year 1979, and this isn't Hornád Express. This is Arriva Express in 2019.

This "practically reliable" machine, the pride of post-communist rail privatization, suffered catastrophic failures at the beginning of its service in GVD 2020, particularly on express routes to Tanvald. The problem? Arriva simply didn’t have enough of them, so they had to rent ancient B-class cars from the Lužná u Rakovníka railway museum—yes, a literal railway museum.

Passengers, expecting to ride in a modern 35-year-old diesel railbus, instead found themselves shoved into 50-year-old sleeper cars, still bearing the ČSD logo from a regime that no longer existed.

For a brief, surreal moment, stepping onto these trains felt like being violently thrown back into 1979—except this wasn’t the Hornád Express. No, this was a proud Arriva express train, limping its way through the freezing December of 2019, where—predictably—the heating didn’t work.

But things only got worse.

This shit happens quite often

In early 2021, one of these so-called "express" trains, running from Šluknov to Kolín, caught fire near the town of Chřibská. The cause? A coal shovel slipped into the firebox and set the train ablaze. Yes, you read that correctly—Arriva's modernized train burned to the ground because a conductor lost control of a coal shovel.

But don’t worry—according to official sources, apart from the occasional hour-long delay, unexpected train fires, and sudden time-traveling experiences, the trains run “fairly normally”.

In fact, according to the website "Vlakem Jednoduše", train quality has actually improved.

Because apparently, in modern Czech rail travel, "progress" means ensuring your train only catches fire every once in a while.

Message for Americans, Brits, Frenchies etc.[edit | edit source]

Czechs will be always built different....

Imagine if Amtrak was forced to retire its beloved, perpetually delayed locomotives—not because they finally exploded, but because your government thought German leftovers would be better. That’s exactly what happened in the Czech Republic.

........for real

For decades, Czech Railways (ČD) operated under the sacred principles of chaos, delay, and unrelenting improvisation. Delays weren’t just common; they were legendary. You didn’t just check the schedule—you checked your horoscope, the lunar cycle, and whether Mercury was in retrograde.

A two-hour delay? That was express service.

A four-hour delay? The conductor might announce it as "only minor operational issues".

A ten-hour delay? Standard fare for a Monday morning.

And the reasons for these delays? Oh, they were works of pure Slavic absurdism. (Police, stolen cables, locomotive malfunction, crossing, etc.)

But we loved it. It was our chaos. And still is. There was a strange comfort in knowing that nobody in the country would ever arrive on time, and thus, no one could judge you for it. It was anarchy, but it was our anarchy.

And then? The Germans came. Again.

Some bureaucrat in a shiny office decided that Czech trains—despite their rustic charm—were “too old.” So instead of actually investing in new Czech-made trains, they decided to import pre-owned German diesel railbuses from the 1980s. Yes, the same Germans who are famously known for punctuality sent us trains that even they considered too ancient to use.

And now? Instead of our familiar, homegrown delays, we get imported ones! The Duewag 628 might be modernized, but it carries with it the ghost of its past. A past where it spent years rattling across Bavarian villages, only to now shudder its way through the Czech countryside like a wheezing, diesel-powered Blitzkrieg of disappointment.

Make no mistake: this is not modernization. This is a hostile corporate takeover of our suffering. The delays remain, but now they have a German accent.