Dow Jones Industrial Average

The Dow Jones Industrial Average, also referred to as the Industrial Average, the Dow Jones, the Dow 30, or simply the Dow, is the United States' most important and largest Emo meter in Wall Street. It basically averages all the other inferior Emo meters in the Stock Market (like NASDAQ 100 and S&P 500).

The NYSE and the DJIA Emo Gauge

The NYSE is analogous to a concert hall in which investors, also referred to as Emolesters, can masturbate or cut themselves according to the graph of the DJIA, which parallels an Emo band. Hard-working Americans work their asses off everyday trying to improve the economy while the investors at Wall Street emo it up. If an investor is Emo and pessimistic about the economy, he will pull out from his investment, thus lowering the DJIA just a little bit. While this happens, all the other Emo investors see it drop slightly and sell. This begins an "Emo Spree" in the NYSE (New York Sex Exchange). Before you know it, the Dow Jones stock is down 600 points due to immense and uncontrollable emoness at the NYSE. But that's not all these investors do. For instance, on a good day, investors will buy stocks, and shortly after start masturbating over their investment. Once masturbation reaches its peak, there is an extremely high chance that a female worker at the NYSE will be raped by the Sperm-full cocks of these usually emo investors. Emolesters have an impeccable ability to sense the emoness from their fellow Emolesters, or it could be just the fact that if they see their buddy NOT masturbating then all is lost and he should pull out of his investment, starting an "Emo Spree." If the world is lucky enough, the Asian investors will do the same due to the immense emoness and irrational fear that constantly sweeps the country. If the Asian markets follow, then the Nikkei and Hang Seng emo meters will plunge, sending the entire world into a "Running Emo," where the emoness runs across the world, destroying every shred of hope in the world. This essentially results in an "Emo Earth."

Emolesters

A portrait of a typical Emolester, appalled at the state of the stock market.

Emos make superb investors because they are remarkably sensitive to minute, slightly negative, insignificant vibes. Emolesters start out as mere scene kids in high school. They then graduate secondary school as an official Emo. After obtaining their rigorous dual degrees in masturbation and Emo Cutting, they graduate, but are appalled at their lack of real-life skills. After many years of manic depression due to unemployment, Emos realized the potential to apply their acute sensitivity to the stock market, now sometimes referred to as Emo Gauges. As a result many Emos have achieved financial success by overreacting to and exaggerating ever-so-slight bumps in the economy. Many emolesters intend to seek revenge on Emo-haters through their newly-found wealth and political connections. Ironically, this financial success has not deterred their chronic depression, and, as a result, has only amplified the hatred received by both Emos and Emolesters. Emolesting has been further corrupted by the act of masturbating to their constant concert at the NYSE.

Why Emolesters are such a big threat

Emoness is easily detected. If you see a half dead, anorexic, crying female with cuts all over herself, you have just detected an emo! Emos can be male or female, but the male ones have yet to grow a pair and suck it up. If aliens find us one day when the emolesters are not masturbating happily, the aliens will say, "Look at those spineless humans, they seem to be down today. Let's invade!" Then they invade the NYSE, dominating the emo meters. This means they rule the country because the United States' REAL government is basically all the greedy-ass corporations. Then we will be forced to work as ship technicians for the aliens when their spaceship breaks down due to the pollution all over the world.

Another, more direct problem lies in Emolesters' tremendous grudge-holding capabilities. Throughout the years, Emolesters have received much crap from those who dislike their floppy black hair, guyliner, and women's jeans. As a result Emolesters wish to seek revenge on the world by employing their minions, Emos, to flood the earth by excessive whining, inundating the earth with their bitter, angry, butt-hurt tears previously restrained by years of psychological therapy and placebo medications such as Pristiq and Cymbalta. While the governments of the world are desperately preoccupied in a futile attempt to contain the excess of tears, the Emolesters will enact their real plan of world domination through their newly-found wealth and political connections.

The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

When an Emolester goes into the NYSE, the first thing he looks at is the DJIA to instantly track emoness. If it is red, it means that emolesters are engaging in "Emo Cutting" again due to their pessimistic emo mentality. Then the emolester that walked in will say, "All is emo, abandon all hope." Then he will proceed to pull his investment, making, the DJIA drop further. Then everyone who walks through will go through the same process because the main emo meter has just dropped.