HowTo:Take a Dump

If you don't move your bowels two or three times a day, the odds are excellent you're suffering from chronic constipation. Taking a dump, crapping, shitting, having a bowel movement. Using the restroom for a number two goes by a variety of names, but how exactly does one "drop the Cosby's off at the pool?"

Modern people eat on the run and have terrible dumping habits. But don't worry my friend, you can have the cleanest colon in your neighborhood. This instructional will teach you all you need to know about the elegant and proper technique of taking a dump.

The directions to that damn pool.

Dump a haiku
Gurgles deep in the gut
equal action from the butt
skid-marks for the win

First Things First

So, you've just eaten a large meal, probably some dark meat and beans, perhaps some broccoli. You feel a pressing in your bowels, and you know deep in your seat that it's finally time. Where do you go? That's step one. Locating a bathroom.

Finding a Shitter

Just keep pushing son. You'll get the bastard out.

In a restaurant there would be signs up, directing you to the nearest restroom - or you could ask one of those waiters or waitresses. In your own home, you should already know the location of your bathroom. If you don't, then you pretty much deserve to shit your pants.

Once you have located a bathroom we move on to step number two in taking a number two!

Second Things... Second

Now, you're in the bathroom. If it is a public toilet, go immediately to the large stall marked "Handicapped" (with a picture of a stickman sitting on a circle). You may not be handicapped, but those bastards get an extra wide stall and it is ALWAYS cleaner. If you are at home, there should only be one toilet in a single bathroom... unless, of course, you're European.

Once you're in a private commode, lift the lid of the toilet, but not the seat. Never lift the seat and try to sit down, it isn't pleasant. In a public bathroom, make sure the seat is DOWN, and also get a handful of toilet paper to wipe the seat off with. Public restrooms are dark, dirty, danky, and dangerous places, filled with scum and alliterations. Maybe Joe Schweaty was on that seat just before you walked in. You do not... I repeat, DO NOT want to sit on a seat covered in butt sweat with a bunch of ass pubes stuck all over it like a fucking teddy bear.

After completing that step you can sit down!

The Sitting Technique

The proper position for fast fecal movement.

First, let down your pants and boxers... or briefs if you're, again, European. Then, place your backside on the seat. Be prepared for a cold seat, keeping your legs together. Make sure to keep your knees higher than your hips, lean forward and put your elbows on your knees, bulge out your abdomen, straighten your spine, and don't clench! This will spread your buttcheeks for full openness. Remember, it is always important to smile when pooping. Enjoy your time on the crapper. Read the newspaper, go on facebook, or call your mom to tell her what a big boy you are!

Taking the Dump

There are varying theories on the best way to procede through this process. The best one to use is the "Slight Push" method. Gently, but firmly ease out the poo, helping it slightly to leave your system by using the muscles in your rectum. Gross, we know, but this speeds up the process and does not feel as weird as a long, slow one. You can use your finger to help ease the poop out.

Keep making a small effort until it is all gone, as it will take a few attempts to get it all out. Man, were you full of crap!

You should really have it bronzed, or something.

Wiping Essentials

“Once a fool. Twice a master.”

~ Jesus on Wiping Your Ass

At home, you should use your hand (when not occupied), or if someone else's hand is available, use that. If you insist on using toilet paper, then use at least two squares with the width folded in half. Should toilet paper be unavailable, sand paper is an effective alternative. Gently wipe your bunghole clean, repeating a few times if necessary, and then drop the paper below you into the bowl. Some of the newer toilets have sprays so you don't even have to wipe (lazy bitch). Standing up is not recommended, as your cheeks will push the shit together, creating a large mess.

Almost Done

Get up, pull your knickers back on and spray some Oust, or Glade... Congratulations, you just took your first dump! NEW ACHIEVEMENT: Droppin The Load 25GP

See also

• Scatomancy
• Crap
• Bullshit