Crazy Devil Magic

A turtle. A stuffed turtle. turtle. How many time can I say 'turtle'? turtleturtleturtleturtle... *breathes heavily*... The world may never know.

Crazy Devil Magic is a specialized and distinct form of devil magic, characterized by extreme measures being taken by the Devil in order to kick inordinate amounts of ass. Copious amounts of drugs, napalm, and death are conventional methods of achieving such results.

History

Destabilization

Crazy Devil Magic (CDM) has its roots in the ancient past. Starting at or around 10,000 BCE, satan was still celebrating his victory during the Battle of Eden, in which humanity had its butt soundly beaten with a large wicker bat, surgically removed, and handed to them in the form of the fruit of knowledge. Conventional devil magic (DM, not BDSM) had been around for a time, though details are not available at this time as to when exactly it was first practiced. However, the rise of a new hegemony on the planet was a massively destabilizing blow to the former balance of power between God and Satan.

God was able to adjust the use of His forces to meet the new situation, abolishing the 1st, 2nd and 4th Light Infantry Angel Divisions (the third was still deployed as the coastal defense forces against China, and was not available for deactivation), the Holy Corps of Engineers, and the Holy Corps of Craps, neither of which had been used much. Other internal reorganization followed in the next several centuries. In this way, humans were able to be kept in line with the use of specialized shock battalions of mid-choir angels and a minimum of divine intervention in the native population of the planet.

Things do not bode well for our heroes

Satan, however, had only a gravely diminished insurgent army, poorly equipped and demoralized after being ejected from Heaven. DM was more than enough to wage gorilla warfare, but proved very ineffective against the humans. A more complete explanation of what DM originally consisted of is below. Here, it is enough to say that heavier weapons were required due to ineffectiveness of available tools; the humans were depressingly resilient to douchebaggery.

CDM was born in stages, headfirst, as is the style nowadays. There was also a lot of screaming and people dropping F-bombs everywhere, and toward the end the blood was ankle deep in some of the larger metropolitan areas. Over time, though, an effective way of scaring the poo out of ancient humans was developed, and it proved so effective that it has evolved with humanity to continue its use well into the 21st century.

Characteristics

CDM has a tendency (though is not required) to use high explosives. It is generally believed by leading scientists and scholars that this is because of the extreme coolness that accompanies limbs flying through the air while leaving behind a smoke trail. Laboratory experimentation and field trials have confirmed this beyond doubt. Another characteristic, listed above, is screaming, which tends to increase the intensity of the CDM in the explosion. The more screaming in and near the event epicenter, the more successful the CDM is considered.

However, at this point it should be noted that Saving Private Ryan is not a product of CDM. Yes, it has screaming, explosions and severed limbs. However, it is a product of Steven Spielberg. Steven Spielberg is not crazy devil magic. They aren't even spelled the same.

Crazy Devil Magic can also take a much more passive approach, causing people to do some completely random and stupid shit. Examples are provided below, but one important exception is Jackass. CDM doesn't make them do the shit. It just keeps them alive. We're not sure how that works, but it is certainly possible that intestinal parasites in Steve-O's stomach are providing enough blood to the devil that he considers them relatively holy.

Examples

CDM is widespread, and is easily seen in everyday life. A few examples of crazy devil magic are listed below.

• CDM governs intense mathematical formulae that would take several human lifetimes to explore fully (e.g., Differential Equations) but may be applied to solving extremely complex probability and metamathematical games.
• Spontaneous Human Combustion.
• Why the hell anyone would want to go to South Carolina is beyond me, so I'm listing it here.
• Linoleum.
• Molotov Cocktails.
• The U.S.S. Enterprise's self destruct system.
• Matt Purke wearing his ball cap at a slight angle.

In addition, CDM has been linked to probability fields that cause toast to land butter side down. And before you say anything, to hell with MythBusters. You know that shit goes down wet.