Cave Clan

Official 'Cave Clan' logo

Clannies:

Once again members of both tribes (Cagey Clan & Social Clan) have met in the chamber and become a closer community, as they share in the traditional annual ritual of watching Prowler bare his ass.

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Note:

I was contracted by the 'Australian Water Board' to conduct a secret study into the Group known as the 'Cave Clan'. I successfully infiltrated the group by wearing a full Panda onesie at all times. I am still unsure why this Panda disguise proved so effective, but during my time undercover, my identity was never questioned. The following is my fully submitted report, which was compiled from my secretive dealings with Cavern Clan members.

The Cave Clan, or 'ASIO' as it is sometimes known, is a mysterious sub-sub culture which is involved in 'urbexing' related activities, sometimes referred to as 'recreational trespassing', which is a polite way of saying 'break and entering'. The 'C/C' mostly comprises of extremely mid-core bogans and hipsters who enjoy walking though 4' sewerage pipes, or watching 'urbex' videos on Yourtube. Originally it was an Australian only syndicate, but now peoples of any nation, sex or religion, who have an internet connection, are allowed to watch urbex Yourtube videos.

The Early Days

The 'Cave Clan' was originally started by a group of social misfits that shared a passion for exploring an abandoned shed, in a local paddock close to their mum & dads house. This interest extended to exploring drains when one of the group fell into a canal while trying to master the art of scooter riding. Unable to climb out, he 'explored' 2m into a tunnel entrance but retreated because it looked scary and wet.

From this point on the Cave Clam was truly born. And the noble pass time of 'Urbexering' was invented.

The group continued to explore 2m into may tunnels in their home town of Wilcannia. They also explored some abandoned cars and under a bridge.

From its exciting early beginnings word spread to other towns, which the group would travel to, as a way of trying to make friends and exploring new abandoned sheds in paddocks.

Today

Today the Cave Cartel is a world wide organisation. It has chapters all over the world, in exotic locations like Antarctica, Kazakhstan and Canberra. In fact, if there is an abandoned shed in a paddock, you will probably find a Cave Clan tag and a stained hanky in it.

It is a fact that Ozzie 'Poo pipe fanciers' are the most urbexiest of all urbexers in the whole world. This is probably because Australian 'locations' suck, so Aussie explorerers have to try harder.

For this reason, every day urbexerers from all over the world travel to Australia, to learn from the Mighty Chamber Clan how to not suck at doing Urbexering. This is true, because many OS 'Stinky tunnel trampers' when leaving, are heard to say things like: "I will defiantly appreciate home alot more now" or "Well, that was an experience" or "Sheds in Paddocks... Only in Australia!"

During the early 2000's the Cave Clan amalgamated with the Australian Federal Police Force and is now know as the 'Cave Clan Corporation' or C/C/C for short. This is not widely know and is kept secret from members off less then 25 years membership.

Every Australian state has its own Clan 'chapter'. Every state's chapter differs in flavour, mostly with it's own distinctive style in how they handle internal politics.

Examples of individual chapters and how they differ:

Sydney

Other chapters send members to Shiteney to learn how to shit-stir and shit-talk from the best. Internal politics is Syd-Clans main export.

Sydclam is a gentlemen's club. If you do not work in IT, or like craft beers, then it's probably best that you join another chapter.

Radelaide

No on knows if anyone in Adelaide actually explores if there is not an interstate visitor. Other than grimbo, but he isn't clan so he doesn't count

The complete Radelaide location list:

1. Adelaide Darkie
2. Keswick V
3. some other drain no one remembers (St zorgas twins?)
4. Super Way
5. Adelaide bike kitchen The Cranker

Melbourne

Although joining uses the same system, additional rules apply:

• Must drink VB or other bogan beer. Drinking other beers will get you fisted.
• If seen draining without a beer, you are fisted.
• Punishment for all crimes: …. being fisted.

For security, Melb-clan uses a different online communication platform every week.

Brisbane

Limited spaces available. Extremely inbred. Abseiling skills mandatory.

Paris

Paris C/C was setup so there is a base of operations near the spiritual home of urbex: The KATAS.

If you have not had your photo taken standing on someones remains, then you are just not considered to be a proper urbexerer.

Membership

Membership today includes a vast variety of people which include; Lawyers, Police, Undercover Police, Undercover ASIO agents, Under cover Sydney Water agents, retired cat burglars, active cat bunglers, Coffee shop waiters, drug dealers, sex toy quality assurance officers, but mostly just people who work in IT.

Membership is a complicated system of social ranking, structured on the pyramid scheme model. Where “Newbies” are at the bottom and “Drain Gods” are the apex. The order from bottom to top is: Newbie, Seat-warmer, Soft-core, Mid-core, Apple-core, Good Explorer, Hard-core, The Earth's-core, Drain God. Forum moderators are a secret society that exists independently within the pyramid scheme.

Being New-school, mid-school or old-school will also effect your level in the pyramid scheme; The lowest possible rank for an Old-school member to be, is mid-core. And for a Mid-school the lowest possible position is soft-core.

There is a new, recently added rank of 'old-old school'. It is a very exclusive rank positioned above old-school, in which the member must be both very 'old-school' plus crazy.

Rising up in levels requires such things as: 'location finding', posting pictures of drunk explorers, but mostly 'paying Kudos to members in an above level'. For example: if a Newbie knows of a new location, that Newbie could invite an Old-school member on a sexpo. Then, when the location is 'listed' the Old-school will receive the credit for the location. The Newbie has now paid 'kudos' to the Old-school member. It takes 127 kudos's or locations to rise a level.

When you do join the C/C you are labelled a Newbie and are now part of Confirmed Clan. A Newbie is the first tier of the complicated system of social ranking. Newbies in short, are a type of legal slave. A Newbies duties in the C/C are many and include things like: Being sent to investigate what is up stinky 2' pipes, Being sent to investigate whether the bottl'o is still open, and cleaning 'Drain Gods' “torches”.

Newbies are very versatile tools and every drainer should have one. A good Newbie can be used for “Cop baiting” or PIR detecting. If you attach bells to a newbie, they can be made into an excellent decoy when escaping from security.

Drain Gods are of course the highest official rank achievable in the C/C/C (with the possible exception of forum moderators). When you achieve this tier, your membership is assured for life. How you actually become a Drain God is not clear, but it seams to have something to do with having a website which lists locations.

Forum mods are the rulers of all Urbex related activities world wide. They will decide which Pootube videos are available for watching, which HDR photo's are deemed acceptable and who will be voted in as the next commissioner for police. Their power is absolute and even Drain Gods are cautions of angering a 'Mod'.

It is still unknown which government organisation, forum mods work for. They probably answer directly to Peter Dutton.

The Inner Circle was a small group who briefly controlled Shitney Clan, from October 2002 to May 2003.

All communication in the Cave Crew is done in on-line forums, which act like a sort of 'base' for sexpos.. This is because it makes arguing and insulting people allot easier. And also it is allot cheaper then using mobile phones in Australia. Unfortunately due to the state of Australia's new 'NBN', all uploaded content must be a maximum of 480p.

Joining

The only way to join the Clan Cave is by solving this mysterious riddle, that is written in almost every drain around the world:

 "What is long and shiny and has batteries and shines a light and fits in a bum?"

Only members of this secretive organisation know the answer.

Only clanners in Australia are considered to be truest members of the Cave Conglomerate. Explorationeers from other parts of the world generally refer to themselves as 'Urbexering Mole People', or sometimes 'Thieves'.

Being Booted

Being Booted refers to a member being involuntarily removed from online communication, and therefore the Clan. Booting someone is a popular pass time for Melbourne moderators, but hasn't gained popularity in Sydney.

In Melboring a Person can be booted for Breaking a Clan rule or when a moderator wakes up and randomly thinks about you.

In Shidney it is a bit more complicated. A newbie can be booted for anything, even tagging. With each year you belong to the Club the amount of rules allowable to break increases, until you become an old-school fool, then you pretty much have to commit murder in order to be booted.

Radelaide can not afford to boot anyone, as there are not enough members.

BrisbANUS flushes their full set of members every two years. This is to keep things interesting for interstaters who are sick of being taken to AquaToad over and over and want at least something new when they visit.

The future

Membership will reach 10,000 explores buy 2020 if the current membership rate is kept. To curb this, addition membership requirements may be added. Due to the rising popularity of beards, a new rule will be implemented in 2019, that if you do not grow a beard you membership will be terminated.

Culture & Activities

The most common pastimes in the dodgy community are:

Taking photos, going on sexpo's, stealing stuff, tagging, guessing which members are narks, or talking about poo.

Not necessarily in that order.

Other sub-sub-sub cultures in the Cave Clique (C/C) are:

• Camera Clan … Known as C/C
• Crime Church … Known as C/C
• 4WD Clan (Car Clan) … Known as C/C
• Camping Clan … Known as C/C
• CB radio clan … Known as C/C
• Conspiracy clan … Known as C/C (Rising in popularity)
• & Cooked Clan … Known as C/C

It is very important to remember that C/C and C/C do NOT get along!

Sexpos

If you do somehow become a member, you will then be invited to Clan events which are called a Sexpo's.

You should go to a "Sexpo" with either a camera or a beer. But not both, because then you will look like you're trying to hard.

A typical sexpodition will usually involve meeting in a dimly lit McDonalds car park, usually about 1.5 to 2 hrs after the agreed meeting time. The Clan cultists will then stand around and 'Shit talk' or even talk about shit, for around-a-about 2 hrs. Then between 1 to 4 members will announce that they have to get up early for work, so they will have to leave. They will be deemed 'soft-core'. The remaining mid-core urbexites will now walk around the block counting man hole covers. The person who counts the most will be the winner and recieve some 'kudos'. The person who shines his torch down one will be given the title 'hard core'. Sometimes someone will do a poo and everyone else will try to avoid it. If a foreign 'Urbexering Mole Person' is present, then the group will do a location.

Awards

Butt-plug given to lucky award winner

Circle-jerk nights are very popular and Urbex enthusiasts will travel from all over the world for the opportunity to get pictures of old-school members on drugs.

(Only over-seas award nights partake in actual circle-jerk's)

Award categories include things like:

• Drunkest clannerteer
• Best accident
• Most hankies used in a year
• Girthiest torch
• Most accommodating cavity

These categories are then voted on, and then modified so the correct Clannerteer may win them. The usual trophy given is a butt-plug painted gold, which is also known as a 'Man-hole key' (pictured).

Tagging

Another important part of Cavern Clan Culture is 'Tagging'. Every Clan member goes by a witty pseudonym such as: 'The Awesome Annihilator', 'BigD1ck69' or 'Sunflower Unicorn' and you must never refer to a person by their real name. The reason for this is unclear, because everyone knows everyone else's real names from Facebook anyway. When you arrive at a location, you are expected to write your 'tag' near the entrance to indicate that you looked in, and then to draw a dick on other peoples tags.

If a Newbie tags, their membership is forfeit.

Here are that some pseudonym's some famous Clanners go buy:

• Constable Cookery
• Drain baguette
• Speedoboy
• Yiffy mc'Spiffy

Keys

A member's worth is measured in the number of keys they have. Popular keys that any serious Clanolio should have include:

• The Tork SCA 1100 toilet paper dispenser key
• Wilcannia BP binroom key
• Pandaman key

The Tork SCA 1100 key in particular is required for a member to advance from a mid-core to an apple-core ranking.

Alcohol / Drugs

Being drunk or high on sexpos is not encouraged... It is not discouraged either.

'Cooked Clan' has been quoted as saying: “ …....... “ burrrp. BUMP “Ouch! No way, I like the left ones?. Lets go for a swim. What was the question?”

Cooked Clan Media release

Photography

Who dosn't want a picture of themselves standing on the roof of the local 7-Eleven, so they can prove how hard-core they are to all the non-Urbexering people they are trying to make friends with. For this reason photography is very popular in the clan.

Before a Clanneroo is allowed to join 'Camera Clan', they must complete the 'C/C HDR proficiency certificate'. They must also show their competency in such skills as: Using beer cans as tripods and also using Steel wool and glow-sticks as light sources.

A Clannerite will then buy the most expensive camera his bank will allow him. It is an established fact that the better the camera, the better the photo's.

Camera's with high ISO settings are popular because most Click Clanners are too weak to carry Manfrotto's.

The best way to become an recognised photographer, is to take pictures of cooked explorers doing something stupid. Other popular photographic subjects include lonely chairs, peeling paint and large empty overexposed warehouses with no reference for scale.

Media / Social References

The Clan of the Cave Bear

Due to the ever rising fame of the Cave Club, members where inundated with interview requests, and inquiries to host fund raising charity events.

To curb the increasing media spot light, the Cave Clan contacted Jean M. Auel and contracted her to write a book titled 'The Clan of the Cave Bear', with the soul purpose of stuffing up people who are trying to Google the 'Cave Clan'.

"The truth about nuts and bolts" review

Title ”The Truth About Nuts & Bolts”

Author: Harvey Wrench

Right from the start this zine oozes with an 'Old school vibe' giving it instant cred. Upon opening the old school vibe is carried through and dose not disappoint.

The layout-out within, is immediately clear and all the information is easily decipherable. The care and detail provided by the author reveals the obvious love he has for draining.

The removable mini A5 guide provided, is a generally useful tool which will live in many an urbexer’s glove-box, and provides the 'icing on the cake' for this must-have publication.

It is hard to imagine a trip to Melbourne without this informative piece of literature.

Being the last of the 'Great Guides', this publication will surely become a collector’s piece, that one would gladly display alongside an early editions of 'Pride and Predudice' & 'War and Piece'. If you didn't order a copy, then you will be sad.

Rating 5/5

Services

Black Panther shelter

The Conspiracy Clan (Sometimes known as Crazy Clan) have been rescuing Black Panthers from cruel travelling circuses since the 1920's. The Panthers are rehabilitated in abandoned Lithgow mines, then they are released into the wild, usually in national parks around NSW.

Tours

The Cash Clan operate paid tours to many of Australian subterranean locations. The tours are specially tailored for journalist who may be interested in writing about the Cave Clan in newspapers and magazines.

On-line back up service

If you are worried your location information may be lost, you can invite a Drain God to your abando. They will then post details about your location on their personal web-site, which acts like as a sort of on-line backup for location lists and other urbex related information.

NASA

The Cosmic Clan is consulting with NASA, advising them on possible ways to find abandoned alien structures on Mars & or other planets.

Rescue

Rescuing a newbie stuck in a small pipe

The Catch Clan offer a 'within 48 hrs rescue service' for such organisations as: 'Australian Water Board', 'Sydney Water' & 'Abu-Dabi Water'. Extensive maps of most major cities world wide are available for use for various rescue services.

Rescue time is reduced to 12hrs, if the rescue site is within a 1km radius of any McDonalds car park.

Training

Police Intelligence, ASIO, Boarder Force, Army intelligence & the Waterboard undercover agency all now out-source several aspects of their New Recruits Training program to the Cavity Crew.

This division within Cave Club is called 'Cave Class', or C/C for short.

Classes offered include:

1. Hoodie selection 101
2. Lock picking beginner / int / adv.
3. Trolling Advanced
4. Shoe Care and the Benefits of Raw Sewerage
5. How to look inconspicuous in large groups in McDonalds Car Parks 101

Locations

Artist impression of a 'Location'

Doing 'locations' or 'abandos' or 'active mansions', is an important part of the C/C but is not always required of all members. A Newbie is expected to do a location every day, and post pic's or it didn't happen. A Newbie not posting pics every day will be penalised by being labelled soft-core and risks getting further punished. If the Newbie is good at 'puters, or is a employed by the SRA, or is popular, then this requirement may be relaxed.

For every year a Clan member has been active in the C/C, the number of locations required for you to explore each month reduces. When & if you become a Drain God, the required locations per year reaches '0'. From this point on, all exploring is done through 'Google Earth'.

Obtainum

Obtainum is an important aspect of locationeering. If an object is shinny enough, or has dials, or the owner clearly doesn't appreciate it as much as you would, then you are quite within your rights to borrow it for 'documentation' purposes. However, the object must be returned within 100 years or it is considered theft.

It is a common urbexerer saying: “leave only footprints, (they are harder to trace then fingerprints)... Take only photos, or any other painting hanging on a wall“.

Location Lists

Location lists are a type of crypto currency.

They can be swapped on line for goods and services and are not subject to GST.

When a location is found, that finder gains a certain amount of 'Kudos credits' which may be spent in various ways. But unlike boring standard crypto currency, locations can be lost, or erased from the 'locations list' in order for a second person to find it again and get a second lot of 'Kudos Credits. For a location to be considered 'good' it must feature a wank station.

Great kudos can be gained by stealing location lists from other Graffiti or crime syndicate groups.

It is known that the Water Board is extremely jealous of the 'Compass Clan's' location lists because it is a lot more extensive the any official list of underground cavities. When a Water Board drain inspector becomes lost, it is quite common for them to refer to the Compass Clan's location list, or even phone a member to ask for directions.

If you are a not a member of the Clan and you wish to try exploration'ing a location, you can obtain GPS coordinates for many locations by going to a Drain Gods personal website.

An early 1830's location list:

• Wincannia Darky
• Wilcannia bridge
• Wilcannia Shed
• Miss Barretts Rooftop
• The Shedopilos
• Wilcannia Shed II
• Bignose's Shed Room
• Wilcannia car
• The great Northern Shed
• Wagga Wagga Shed
• The Hanky Room
• Gobble-Shedox
• Wilcannia underpass
• Fred's Mum's Shed
• Fred's Mum
• The Tractor Palace
• The burnt out car
• Hanky car
• Soggy Biscuit Shed
• Hay-bale Haven (active)

An example of a Location entry:

Location name: Wincannia Darky

Description: Fantastic 8' round RCP which goes for at least 10m & then disappears into the darkness. Smells like Gary's arse. Good echoes.

Access: Go to Wicanna main canal (exact location removed from this wiki to protect location). Choose the member you want to explore it, & push them in.

Todo: Explore past the 10m mark.

Eek. Right next to Terminator's mum & dad's house... Watch out.

Found: Choofer's dog Scruffy

Equipment

A Clanner's torch is his identity.

Much pride is taken in showing off ones torch, and you can tell a Clangineer's social status just by observing his torch. Some 'Drain Gods' even manufacture their own torches. It is generally accepted that the brighter the torch the better the explorer.

A 'Newbie' would do well to remember, that you must be a well known exploerer before you are allowed to buy a torch that is over 600 lumins. The lumins of an Ubexering Persons torch has a direct relationship with how many hankies they have left in sheds.

The official Cavern Clan uniform is a black hoodie. It is a well known true fact, that the blacker the hoodie, the more sneaky the urbexer'er.

... Unless you are a Drain God, in which case the uniform is white overalls or a reflective vest. This is to give cops a fighting chance and they look better in photo's. Drain God's have no use for torches, they simply bathe in the light provided by the newbies.

When Cave Clannering, you should carry the following items at all times:

• A torch
• A spare torch
• A spare spare torch
• A spare spare spare torch
• 15m of rope
• A ladder
• Waist high waders
• A hanky
• A packet of Jelly-Beans (If travelling alone)
• A compass
• Camera (Phone will do)
• A spare compass
• Beer for hydration
• A Stethoscope
• A Tork SCA 1100 toilet paper dispenser key
• Black permanent marker / spray paint
• A bike helmet
• A sacrificial newbie

Safety

Safety is taken very seriously in Cackle Clan. An urbexiest must never put another urbexer in danger, unless it will be really funny. If an accident is caused and it is not funny enough, then that explorer will be 'iron fisted'. If it is funny enough and they have a picture of it, then they will receive praise and be popular.

Fatal accidents have been reduced to 1 death per year and serious accidents to 1 every 3 months. This impressive statistic has been achieved buy following a rigorous safety standard which is imposed by the clan itself. These rules include:

1. When it rains ... Take a life jacket.
2. When exploring alone: Leave a trail of Jelly-beans so others can find you.
3. Leave a note at a locations entrance, saying you are in there and giving the time.
4. When removing a manhole from beneath if the above location is unknown... First use a Stethoscope to listen for cars.
5. Carry at least 4 torches at all times.
6. When running in dark unknown drains. Make sure you look where you are going.
7. And never ever drink off-coloured drain water or eat food found in drains.

Although first aid kits are shunned. It is advisable to at least have medical beer on hand, for use in treating dehydration and washing out wounds.

Trivia

Common Cave Clan saying: "Don't live life in fear, put a torch in your rear!"

Most famous Cave Clan member: Daril Summers

The Clan was runner up in the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize, for its work in showing that bogans and Hipsters can live in harmony side by side.

Quote from OS visiting explorer: "If i have one more person try & stick a torch up my arse, i'll fuckin loose it"

See Also

Wilcannia

References

• True stuff about Urban_exploration (Except where it contradicts this site)
• Poo stain removal resource
• Guide to safe hanky usage
• Sort of official website - Fake history