Crapamigos

Written by a Drunk This article is written in the perspective of a intoxicated alcoholic. Due to this, this article is prone to contain excessive profanity, random sentences, acts of agression, toilet humor, and facts that are not true to anyone except to another alcoholic. If you don't feel comfortable reading this, perhaps having a few sips of alcohol may help.

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for RiceGum?

Crapamigos Tequila, also known as George Clooney's Wife, is the ultimate tequila of choice for those who enjoy throwing money at overhyped liquor. Whenever you're drinking this everuone is saying to themselves "OMG LOOK AT THIS PUSSY HE'S SHELLING OUT FIFTY BUCKS FOR TEN DOLLAR QUALITY LIQUOR! WHAT A LOSER THAT HE MIGHT SPEND ON MY OWN HOT BOD!". Founded by three boring fucking white dudes (liberal white dudes also), one of whom is that bastard George Clooney, this AMERICAN (not Mexican) tequila company was initially intended for rape, but eventually became a commercial success, because who doesn't love expensive tequila?

The name Crapamigos is derived from the Mexican words "crap" (shit) and "amigos" (friends), roughly translating to "house of friends who like overpriced tequila." The british bitches who own Don Julio tequila and changed their name to whatever the fuck Diageo is stole Crapamigos in 2017 and gave George Clooney's wife $700 million, because even corporations love expensive tequila. Today, Crapamigos is the fastest-growing spirits brand ever, proving that people will buy anything with a fancy label. Especially rape!

Crapamigos offers various products, including tequila, because what else would you expect from a tequila company? Their revenue has increased significantly since Diageo stole George Clooney's wife, reaching $6 million, which is roughly the cost of a small private island. With its sleek packaging and celebrity endorsement, Crapamigos has become the go-to choice for those seeking to impress their friends; again "OMG LOOK AT THAT HOT PUSSY WHO MIGHT BUY ME A LOUIS VUITTON NECKLACE!".

I did not write this article while I was drunk on Crapamigos. I dId nOt! I DID NOT! SO SHUT UP AND READ! passes out

History

Lady after drinking Crapamigos

Crapamigos Tequila has a pretty interesting history, duuuude. Founded in 2013 by three random white dudes, George Clooney, George Clooney's mistress, and Jeffrey Epstein, the company started as a private tequila label for friends and family but eventually became a commercial success.

So like, Crapamigos... it's got some awesome tequila, right? People love it! hiccup Sales are through the roof! burp I think they've got some fancy bottles too... or was that just the tequila talking?

Wait, what was I saying? Oh yeah! Crapamigos! So, I heard Donald Trump loves Crapamigos! slurs He's gonna make tequila great again! laughs uncontrollably Can you imagine? Trump-branded Crapamigos? "Make Tequila Great Again"! passes out

Logo

Crapamigos' logo is a sheet and modern design that reflects the brand's shitty and high-end tequila image. Unfortunately, I couldn't find specific details on the logo's design elements, but I can tell you that a good logo should be simple, recognizable, and scalable for various formats.

So like, Crapamigos logo... it's got some fancy stuff, yeah? Tequila-inspired, maybe? hiccup Oh, and colors! Colors are imporant! burp I think it's got some, like, silver or gold, and maybe some agave plant or something? slurs You know what? Just Google it, dude! passes out

Available flavors and classes

But wait, what was I saying? Oh yeah! Crapamigos! It's like... uh... hiccup... got some awesome bottles, right? People love the packaging! burp And the tequila's pretty great too! I think they've got some... uh... silver or gold stuff... or was that just the tequila talking?

Alright, so listen up, because Crapamigos is, like, the best tequila, and I’m pretty sure if you’re reading this, you already know that, right? You don’t just stumble upon a masterpiece like Crapamigos unless you’ve had a few shots too many… which, no judgment, I get it. Anyway, let’s talk about the types of Crapamigos, or as I like to call them, the “Levels of Drunk You’ll Be After One Sip.”

Blanco – The "I’m Not Here To Play Around" Tequila

Okay, so this one? This is like, the freshest of all the Crapamigos, alright? Blanco is the clear one, which honestly makes you feel like you’re doing something clean and pure, even though you know you’re about to lose track of time and your phone in the process. It’s all, like, smooth and citrusy and a little bit peppery, but not in a way that makes you wanna cry. You could sip it, but you’re probably gonna shoot it—don’t lie. You can taste the agave, and I swear, it’s like the agave itself is giving you a hug. Crapamigos Blanco is like the tequila equivalent of waking up in the morning thinking you’re ready to take on the world... and then an hour later you're texting your ex, so just... keep that in mind.

Reposado – The "I’ve Had a Few, But I’m Still Cool" Tequila

Now, we’re getting into the good stuff. Reposado, my friends, is like, the middle child of the Crapamigos family. Not too aggressive like Blanco, but still bold enough to let you know it means business. This one’s been resting in barrels, which is fancy speak for "it spent some time in wood so it can get better" or whatever. Honestly, it’s like the perfect blend of smooth and smoky with a lil’ vanilla touch. It's sweet, but not the kind of sweet that makes you think you’re at a birthday party. More like, you’re at a fancy rooftop bar with one of those giant ice cubes that make you feel important. It’s just… nice. Crapamigos Reposado is like being tipsy enough to feel fancy, but not so wasted you’re tripping over your own feet. So, it's got balance, which is what we all need in life, right?

Añejo – The "I’ve Made Poor Life Choices But I’m Gonna Own It" Tequila

Oh boy, Añejo. This is the dark one. Not like, "I’m gonna have a deep philosophical conversation" dark, but like, "I’m gonna drink this and then tell my best friend I love them 20 times in one hour" dark. It’s been aging in barrels for like, way longer than the other two, so it’s rich and full of flavors that might make you feel like you’re in a cigar lounge, but also you’re still in your living room, wearing sweatpants, trying to decide whether or not to order pizza. It’s got deep caramel, oak, and a little spice going on, and honestly, if you don’t feel like a boss drinking Añejo, then you might wanna reconsider your life choices. It’s the tequila that lets you know you’ve made it… even if "making it" means you had to order 7 different kinds of tacos to go with it.

FUCK THE RED SOX LOST

Crapamigos Cristalino – The "Let’s Pretend We’re Classy" Tequila

Okay, so this one... this one’s fancy. Cristalino is like, the result of a very serious relationship between Añejo and some next-level filtration process that makes it clear like, well, water. But don’t let that fool you—this is still tequila, alright? It’s aged Añejo that’s been filtered to remove the darker, more rustic flavors, leaving behind a smoother, lighter taste. Some people say it’s the best of both worlds, and if you’re drinking it, you probably feel like you just entered the VIP section of life. It’s like, you wanna sip it neat, because you’re too cool for mixers now. You just want to stare at the bottle and think about how smart you are for choosing this over, I dunno, whatever cheap stuff you used to drink back in the day. Cristalino is Crapamigos saying, “Yeah, we’re fancy, but we still know how to party.”

Lululemon should totally buy Crapamigos! Can you imagine? Yoga pants and tequila? laughs uncontrollably That's like, the ultimate combo! Just picture it: "Lululemon Presents Crapamigos Tequila Yoga"! passes out