Blind people in snooker

Whether or not the Rocket technically qualifies as a blind snookerer is a matter of much scholarly debate (see below).

Blind people have been involved in the high octane extreme table sport of snooker since its inception in all roles, including as spectators, commentators, coaches, referees, and players. They are called blind snookerers because they engage in snooker and are also blind. Those who are seeing capable are just called snookerers, because they aren't blind.

The single role they have never been permitted to partake in is ball polisher. Only seeing able people are allowed to put the ball in their hands and rub them until they are ready. This is a grievous injustice due to bigotry. The blind are certainly capable of cusping balls in their hands and rubbing them with delicate yet firm expertise.

History

The game of snooker was invented by a rich white entitled British male (Chamberlain) while he was responsible for plundering and butchering India as a morale booster for his slightly less entitled yet still white male British plundering and butchering underlings. Initially, the game was not successful as drunken plunderers were so confused by the rules they ended up impaling one another with queue sticks from sheer frustration.

To make the game more fun, Chamberlain invited blind starving Indians to play with the potential reward of a few grains of rice if they won. Considered a slightly mean yet hilarious schtick, the blind Indian peasants ended up beating the soldiers. The soldiers were not amused. They Indians mysteriously ended up being impaled on cues.

The game was exported around the World (mostly owned by the United Kingdom) and found some success with trashy Englishmen in smelly pubs. The tradition of blind people playing continued though they were often excluded, ridiculed and in places like Sunderland ended up mysteriously impaled on cues.

Discrimination

These days people who are visually challenged are permitted to handle sticks, pot balls and chalk up their tips. However they are not permitted to shine balls by spitting on them and rubbing them all over until satisfied (caressing them with white gloves in tournament play). The world has not progressed enough to allow these simple pleasures even though the world has passed such notable milestones as the first female ball cleaners, the first queer ball cleaners and even the very controversial at first but now completely accepted queer female mormon midget double ball cleaners (they can fit two in their hands while polishing). In the rare cases where five balls need to be rubbed clean at once, 1970 Vietnamese pleasure girls are called in, who love the balls long time.

Advantages and disadvantages

A blind pool player. Notice the subtle differences between pool and snooker.

Advantages

Blind snookerers aren't distracted by the audience which is mostly filled up by overweight, unwashed, drunk English rubbish (though the blind snookerers can certainly smell them).

The biggest advantage blind snookerers have over their sighted counterparts is their naturally heightened sense of smell. Blind people can distinguish between the different coloured balls by both sound but also smell. The pink ball apparently smells like rosewater tobacco while the white ball smells like privilege. However, a trained blind snookerer can use these scents to distinguish between balls, and even use the strength of the smell to sense their position and speed. Most of all they can smell their opponent's fear. When too much sweat drips down their opponent's arse, they can definitely smell that.

Disadvantages

Blind snookerers cannot see the table, the ball, the pockets, the corners, their opponent nor even their own hands. This is fairly obvious since they're blind, so this is to be expected. Whether it is a disadvantage depends on your metaphysical view and your susceptibility to existential angst.

Emergence in professional snooker

How the hell did these two make it to the semis?

The only two confirmed blind snookerers who have ever made it past the first round of the World Snooker Championship at the Crucible are the Wally (a.k.a. Ricky Walden) and the Hawk (a.k.a. Barry Hawkins), and they remarkably faced each other in the semifinals of the 2013 World Championship. Their 2013 World Championship match was lauded around the world as one of the bravest sporting event to have taken place. Both players thought they were winning, mainly because they kept potting balls, though no one told them and they simply assumed they potted their own (which they hadn't). The game ended in a strange draw that defies understanding. Neither player advanced, but to make them feel like they won, they were both placed in empty rooms with a billiard table and the recordings of the sounds of an audience.

Their match is still fondly remembered by many other blind players who were also equally wrong about the result as the commentator was mute and there were no captions for the blind given. The two players eventually retired and went on to become recreational blind plane pilots. They both lost their licenses, not due to any horrific crash (they were both actually adept pilots) but for not passing the drug test randomly administered as their blood was absolutely full of traces of ecstasy, blue tinted meth and PREP.

Blind referees

A blind referee. Notice that society has pressured him into wearing spectacles instead of his preferred sunglasses.

Blind referees first began working snooker tournaments in the late 1980s and have steadily increased in participation rate ever since. Whilst they sometimes make questionable judgement calls, they always get the score right and have impeccable received British pronunciation that makes them sound like thirty-year-old Oxfordian virgins (which they are).

The Rocket

The Rocket broke several snooker records and a few of the laws of physics with his first maximum.

Many snooker fans and commentators have long suspected that seven-time world champion the Rocket (a.k.a. Ronnie O'Sullivan) might be a blind snookerer. The Rocket has never confirmed this one way or the other, always brushing off questions about his possible blindness by telling stories about crumpets or dolphins or something random and confusing.

The Rocket holds the record for fastest maximum break, five minutes and eight seconds, which he set at the 1997 World Snooker Championship. During the frame, the Rocket clearly was not even looking at the balls or the table, playing solely by feel, instincts and smell.

Public attitudes

The entry of blind snookerers was controversial at first. For example, during the first official match with a blind snookerer, the player's bowtie was crooked and was not straightened until an embarrassed official pointed out the 10º clockwise slant on the bowtie angle. Once this outrageous violation of etiquette was corrected, most of the public's fears were alleviated and blind players slowly found acceptance minus a minority of louts dripping in ableist bigotry. It is believed that discrimination against blind snookerers was responsible for COVID toilet paper riots world wide. Whilst the official line was that an irrational fear of a long term shortage of toilet paper led the public to stockpile the resource leading to violence in supermarkets, it really was due to bigotry against blind snookerers. Trust us.