View source for Best aristocrat ever

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[[File:Dalmatianandcat.jpg|thumb|300px|right|A beautiful Dalmatian and cat]]
A talent agent was closing shop for the day when a family burst in.

"Sorry I'm closing" he said.

"Not until you've seen our audition" said the [[father]].

"Come tomorrow in the [[morning]]"

"By tomorrow you'll have lost the most sensational variety show ever to blow [[people]]'s faces off".

"Okay...you've got 5 minutes" said the talent [[agent]].

===Skit 1===

The family and their pets rushed to set up. First a pretty little [[girl]] in a tutu and her brother wearing a little cowboy outfit carried a throne into the office while the mother played the kazoo. Then a huge Dalmatian jumped up on the throne and the Dalmatian sat while the mother placed a crown on top of its head and the father clothed it in a royal robe. Then their family [[cat]] sat before the Dalmatian bowing in respect. The father then started playing a drum-roll: The Dalmatian sat up...turned 180 degrees and then let out an enormous stinking [[turd]] which slowly dangled out of its anus. The turd eventually fell off and the whole thing, bigger than the cats head, landed in the cats mouth who immediately swallowed it whole without getting a single speck on its beautiful white fur. The whole family jumped in front of the agent with a "tadah".

The agent looked up at the family. "Meh...that is a little derivative of the [[Manchester]] Variety show of 2018".

The family was not fazed.
[[File:Gaymongolians.jpg|thumb|300px|left|Loving gay Mongolians]]

===Skit 2===
"On to the second skit" said the father.

They then sang an extremely racist and homophobic song about a pair of Mongolian gay lovers who died by giving one another a virulent form of hepatitis C which led to sepsis and both of them dying by haemorrhaging [[blood]] out of their eyes. The cute little daughter wearing a pink bow on a pink dress sang a very moving solo in the middle, with blood pouring out of the eyes as a symbolism of the wrestler's death, which almost convinced the talent agent, who was Mongolian and a homosexual, to go out and find another Mongolian homosexual and give them virulent hepatitis C. After it was over he said: "Somewhat impressive but that is not enough to put on a show".

===Skit 3===
[[File:Greenacid.PNG|thumb|200px|right|Bubbling semen]]
"Time for the finale," the mother said. The father undid his belt and took out his extremely large and erect penis and started pulling on it slowly. One by one each member of the family went in front of him arousing the father who slowly started grunting as he stroked his cock. His wife came behind him and shoved a put plug up his [[ass]] and pinched his nipples intensifying his pleasure. He began moaning deeper and louder. Each family member then lined up in front of Mr. Dad and encouraged him to finish like a cheering squad. "Give it to us daddy" they screamed. He began stroking himself furiously moaning like a little school girl as his penis seemed to grow to an impossible size. All of a sudden he yelled out in orgasmic bliss and shot green semen all over his entire [[family]]. It was highly corrosive and burnt the skin off of all of his family members who, instead of screaming were moaning themselves with pleasure as they dissolved into the floor. [[Father]] took some time to recuperate from the physical and emotional toll of such an orgasm and catch his breath. He then went: "tadah".

The talent agent looked in [[horror]] as the remains of his family bubbled on the floor and father tucked his dick into his pants and did his belt up.

"When can you start"? he asked.

"[[Tomorrow]]"

"What about the rest of the cast"?

"They were just a group of homeless people I groomed into a circus act. There are dozens more where they came from, eager to melt in the name of theatrical glory".

"What do we call it"?

"What the fuck do you think we call it"? asked the [[Father]] showing the initial signs of a diva complex.

"The Aristocrats"?

"Of course the fucking Aristocrats" said the father. "Where is my [[fuck]]ing Perrier"? he asked.

[[Category:The Aristocrats]]
[[Category:Jokes]]
[[Category:Tasteless]]
[[Category:Articles whose editors should be hanged]]
[[Category:FA Humour]]
[[Category:FA Non Encyclopedic]]
{{FA|date=4 November 2025|revision=6467761}}