Battle of Peleliu

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Battle of Peliliu Island

A mindless Japan banzai warrior who fought at peleliu
Conflict: World war II
Date: 11 February 1945 - 27 July 1945
Place: Peliliu Island, South Pacific
Outcome: America scrapes through, Japs get pissed
United states of America Japanese Empire
Sergeant Tom Sullivan out of COD:WAW Count 'Beat' Takeshi
200 marines, 50 engineers, sappers, and helpers, 5 tanks, some ships + Captain Price and an S.A.S. team of 4 and Mexico special forces(Taco de Elite) all 10 of them 10,000 infantry, engineers and helpers
Everyone but Pvt. Miller & Cpt. Price, everthing else gone or missing, Price swims to safety. All of'em (Survivors die in Banzai attacks)
Outstanding marines! Out-fucking-standing!!!

Sgt. Roebuck on The Utter Failure Of The Japanese Military

Ahhhh. Out in the jungle, all hot and sweaty, facing another man in action: Is there no greater pleasure?!

Oscar Wilde's double entendre about war

The Battle of Peliliu is arguably one of World War II's most pointless battles, because so many people died over a tiny lump of rock. No one knows why the Americans sent so few men, or why there were so many Japs on one island, but the battle was a turning point in the Pacific Theatre.

Preparations[edit | edit source]

The Americans wanted to stop Japan from growing ever since the japs pwned them at Pearl Harbour so they assaulted all the tiny pointless islands between the two countries in the ocean. Part of 'operation pointless' the over-confident Americans sent small bands of men to either quick victories or death. Most of them won, but Peliliu was more of a story. The seemingly invincible Sergeant Sullivan got together an band of 300 men, consisting of 200 marines, 50 helpers and 50 men to operate tanks, backed up by the airforce and navy. Including Pvt. Miller and Cpl. Roebuck the two most experienced marines, the army looked set to kick Tojo butt!

Landing at 'Beat Takeshi' beach[edit | edit source]

On the 11 February, 1945, Sgt. Sullivan remarked:

We'll get through this in 3 days

Sergeant Sullivan

He couldn't have been more wrong. 200 marines, sent by barges hit the Beat Takeshi beach, thinking that there would be no resistance. Instead, they got greeted by Jap artillery, big machine guns used in Saving Private Ryan and as a result, 60 marines got pwned in a messy sort of way. The 140 survivors who didn't get reduced to meat-mud-paste had to find a way to bring down Takeshi's outer defences. Then they thought 'Oh fuck it! call in naval support and an air strike pvt. Miller'.

Moving towards Takeshi's Castle[edit | edit source]


For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Battle of Peleliu.

After climbing over the rubble of the machine-gun bunkers and through the jungle to safety from the artillery on the cliffs, the surviving 140 marines made a quick camp. Here, they met up with the engineers, helpers, and 5 of the famous 'Sherman Wank Tanks. Safe from artillery, Sullivan made a plan. The main force would move towards the stronghold, Takeshi's castle, while at least 30 marines and 20 helpers stayed behind to protect the camp. With 120 marines, some wank tanks, and mortars, along with auxiliaries,(helpers in English). Along the route to the stronghold, the force spotted a trench network. The marines and wank tanks fought their way through the net work, losing 15 men, 1 wank tank, as well as 5 as helpers. If it were not for the fighting skills of pvt. Miller, more lives would have been lost.

The Death of Sgt. Sullivan[edit | edit source]

After the success at the trench battle, Sgt. Sullivan was tragically pwned in a successful, one man, banzai attack. With his head cut off on the floor and blood coming out of his neck, it was generally assumed that the Sarge was dead, so Roebuck took over. That night the Marines ate Sullivan's body for dinner but sent the head back home to the USA, and pressed on.

Camp ambush[edit | edit source]

Whilst the main force was resting, the camp was banzaied by the Imperial happy clappy jappys in nappies sumo shock troopers. They flattened the camp, and some of the unfortunate campers, before allowing regular troops to finish them off. Pvt. Miller found some footage on tape of the assault and made it a film, calling it 'Tojo'. It is said that this is what inspired the film 'Zulu'.

One of the Imperial happy clappy jappys' in nappys sumo shock troopers, off duty.

The march stops[edit | edit source]

After a foolish manouvre by Roebuck, 20 marines died in a jap ambush and another wank tank got destroyed, leaving only 85 marines left with 3 wank tanks and 25 helpers. No prisoners were taken as the marines couldn't feed them and instead ate the dead japs. Being trapped on the island, the Marines adapted to the new land, and the trenches became the base. The Marines can still communicate with the near by navy but can't leave. The '3 days' promise was bullshit and Roebuck remarked:

Plans' gone to shit.

Roebuck on Peliliu

The next 3 months[edit | edit source]

For 3 months, the marines fended off jap troops, as wave after wave was sent, only to completely fail. Out of 110 men, and 3 wank tanks, 1 man suvived (cpt. Chuck norris), but at least the 3 wank tanks made it! Hoorah!

Captain Price arrives[edit | edit source]

On May 2nd, reinforcements arrive. An SAS team of 5 men led by Cpt. Price drops out of a plane and lands slap bang in the middle of the base. Price started talking in cockney slag so the marines gave him a cup of tea, dosed with morphine to shut him up. When Price came round (and stopped singing ENG-GER-LAND la la), he objected to being drugged by those filthy, faggot ass yanks and shot Roebuck in the calf with a an mp40 (mp5s' and flashbangs weren't around back then). An argument started and some poor guy got dead by friendly fire. Thankfully, the one responsible lost 100 points from his battle score. Then, 14 men got sniped, until Price worked out their position and counter-sniped em'. After making up over (British) tea, Price and Roebuck got back to work. With only 45 marines, 5 SAS, and 3 wank tanks they had to think quick before the tojo decided to flush them out once and for all.

Working the way up the hill[edit | edit source]

June 1st, 1945. After nearly a month of planning, and a failed attempt by the japs to 'flush out' the allies, Roebuck with 3 wank tanks,35 marines, including pvt. Miller, 5 SAS, one of them cpt. Price, as well as all 10 of the Taco de Elite, Mexican special forces who'd arrived to help out, would start a grueling march to Takeshi's castle. The 50 men went out expecting yet another quick, swift victory, as they thought that there couldn't possibly be more Japanese soldiers to mount an effective defence. But once again, they were wrong. They were ambushed several times, losing 4 Tacos, and 5 marines. All SAS miraculously survived. A wank tank was tragically destroyed though. Moment of silence for the wank tank please.

Anyway, the 41 survivors got the path leading up the gates of Takeshi. Assuming all the enemies had fled to the stronghold,(and for once, they were right!) they called for the Fortress to be endlessly (for a month) smashed by airstrikes, and naval missile support whilst the allies encamped themselves at the only possible entrance to the gates. The HQ was spared, but everything else got annihilated x10, pwned x10 and smashimacated x100. It was literally rubble. Any attacks on the allied camp got stamped on.

Entering Takeshi's Castle[edit | edit source]

Walking up to what was Takeshi's gates, the allies walked into and bunch of sand bags with machines guns, manned by japs. Some dumb shit got killed but everyone else survived by hiding behind rocks and the machine gun impervious wank tanks. No one knew what to do, and the airforce and navy were still re-arming. All hope seemed lost. Then, against orders the Tacos shouted 'to spicy food or death' (their motto) and charged at the japs, all 6 of them. They all died, but they broke the deadlock, allowing the others to open fire and fuck up those jap positions. The wank tanks couldn't have done it, because of the trench in front of the sandbags. If it were not for the Tacos, the battle would've taken a different path and the japs could have won. There are memorials in USA and Mexico, dedicated to their sacrifice. Each memorial bears the motto:

Al alimento o la muerte picantes!!!

To spicy food or death!!! Motto of the Taco de Elites

After that, the remaining 34 men cleared the path for 2 wank tanks, and stormed the ruins of the castle. Now it was now time for the final assault on the castle head quarters.

The final assault[edit | edit source]

For the final assault, the soldiers would split up into three groups. Captain Price, the SAS, and 9 Marines, would storm the castle HQ, while Roebuck, Miller, and 18 other Marines would attack the artillery positions from earlier. They would take a wank tank each (up the wank tanks !!!!). The SAS used a satchel charge to blow a gap in the HQ, then threw flares through the gap as a substitute for flashbangs. They made space for the Marines to get into action, and cleared out all the nearby trenches, gaps and corridors, even though they lost a man. After taking up positions, they engaged in an intense fire fight with the fierce Japanese defenders, as well as fending off seemingly endless Banzai charges. Then crashing through the wall came a wank tank, with a turret, 2 machine guns, a flamethrower, and a secret weapon, the jizz cannon, which infects targets with AIDs. The 13 men fought hard, and 2 SAS and 1 Marine fell to banzais. With only 2 Brits and 8 Yanks, against a whole bunch of Tojo, the battle seemed grim, not to mention the wank tank malfunctioned and exploded. Then suddenly...KA-BOOM!!!!!!! Chuck norris came to save the day throwing spears made out of his solidified semen saving cpt.price and roebuck. The Roebuck/Miller team blew up the artillery positions. Then a second:KA-BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was the japo supplies and weapons. Then:CRASH!!!!!!!!(this is starting to sound like a comic), the last wank tank came through another wall, along with the other Marines. Armed with sticks, stones, bayonets, swords, french bread sticks, handfuls of shite,and ninja weapons( for chuck norris) etc., the hopeless last one hundred japs hid inside the HQ. The allies stood around the HQ, and asked the japs for peaceful surrender. They refused, and unleashed one last Banzai charge on them, and managed to pwn Roebuck and many others. With only Price, and Chuck noris left to fight The one and only Count Saka Nakamura Tojo Beat Takeshi III.

In a panic, he detonated the Suicide bomb under the castle, blowing the whole thing up, Killing himself and all the allies, except. Cpt. Price was blown in to the air (losing no limbs) in the sea and used his expert training to swim back to Britain and chuck norris in which he remained in the same spot because chuck norris doesn't get pushed around and till this day chuck Norris keeps the island of peleliu safe from japs.

Aftermath[edit | edit source]

Chuck norris returned home after a documentuary was created about his day to day basis called walker texas ranger, became an army general, got to level 10 prestige, and was given several medals and honours. He also helped make the game,'Call of Duty: World at War' then died in 2010 but death hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet. Captain Price dosen't remember a thing and is also immortal, still doing operations for the SAS and fighting against the Ruskies on a daily basis, and is slowly going insane. There are memorials in Great Britain, USA,and Japan dedicated to the fallen of the battle. Island is now where the game show 'Takeshi's Castle' is made. AMEN!!!