Bat Fuck Arsebattery

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A cat-a-bolt or something very similar.
A cat.
Impending doom.

Bat Fuck Arsebattery was one of the least known secretly secret[1] weapons used in the Second World War II. It was basically a huge cat-a-bolt used by the Eskimo Brigade and some Norwegian fishermen to sink Mainstream Norwegian armored walruses in the northern Atlantic. As ammunition it used dead cats into which dynamite sticks had been rammed. The weapon was used in such operations as the battle of Kierkegaard Smörgården, where dozens of walruses were turned into starfish grub.


Bat Fuck Arsebattery was invented in 1943 by a well-toasted Icelandic partisan, Joenaers Splodegsson. By March of the same year it had become clear the Norwegian Underground needed a new weapon: the armored walruses were roaming the beaches unbridled, masticating torsk at their pleasure. They also ate cod whenever they wanted to. This had a telling effect on the fisher detachment of the Underground: there were few places to fish underground so the detachment needed to control some of the beaches to keep fishing. The invention of Bat Fuck Arsebattery came about as a flash of genius during one of the encounters with ferocious walruses: Splodegsson tried throwing a dead cat at an armored walrus but succeeded only in escaping with his life [2]. This induced him to yell: "The next time the cat will have a dynamite stick up its arse, you lumbering hippopotamus!" and that was it. No painful struggles with confusing ideas for us up north.

The most impressive naval victory scored using this controversial weapon[edit]

This was the aforementioned battle of Kierkegaard Smörgarden which raged on from the 14th of August 1944 to the 32nd of May 1946. [3] During it, Jens Öljehammersson allegedly sunk 1500 armored walruses, shot down a puke-filled albatross, and saved three baby seals from a marauding Yugoslavian ice bear who didn't know which side to be on.

Nothing much can be told about the battle beyond the figures given by a couple of Eskimo eyewitnesses and Öljehammersson's own account. Some explosions were heard in the general area at a time when there supposedly was no other military action, but then again those people blow shit up just for kicks whenever they find explosives.

The aftermath of the battle of Kierkegaard Smörgarden is not over yet. If you happen to travel the ice floats anywhere near the North Pole, be sure not to pick up any dead cats. Those might be wartime duds[4].


  1. "Secretly secret" naturally means that nobody is supposed to know the weapon is secret
  2. You have no idea how dangerous a full-grown male walrus is, do you?
  3. If the overdrawn time period needs an explanation: nobody told Jens to quit shooting because he was far out on the arctic ice floats for the last three years of the war. Also his calendar was made in Retroslavia, and nobody succeeded in convincing him that his dates were outdated.
  4. Luckily for us, the ice blanket around the North Pole is growing smaller by the year. Thereby any dynamite-enhanced cats will soon be in the bottom of the ocean, where they are unlikely to cause any harm.