Autosite

Autoshite

Autoshite is an ideology formed from preserving and running vehicles past the standard life expectancy in an attempt to gain motorised transport on a minimal budget taking into account finance and depreciation costs as well as maintenance. It harkens back to the pre-WWII attitudes of buying a quality product and then repairing it oneself, rather than replacing it as soon as it breaks. With planned obsolesence being what it is, this has become increasingly difficult in the last thirty years which has resulted in many "flat-earth society" and "Luddite" type attitudes among some of the most senior members. Some have been known to admit to being rather closed-minded, and on one rare occasion, even liking Corsas. Which is now a running joke as it directly contradicts Autoshite dogma.

Another integral part of the Autoshite ideology is the firm belief that the longer a car is used for daily transportation, the smaller its negative impact on the environment, since no new car has to be produced to replace it. Of course the new cars are being produced anyway, but that doesn't stop the less astute members of the motoring public from buying them, thereby resulting in more "chod" being available. "Let them take the depreciation---we'll wait until the cars are too old to be fashionable and too new to become classics, then maybe we'll be interested. If they're still any good." When help is needed collecting, repairing or diagnosing such a vehicle, a post on Autoshite can turn into a rallying point for community support and/or ridicule. Often both, in a lighthearted (and uniquely Autoshite) sort of way.

A small group within the Autoshite movement collects and preserves old cars which are not considered collectible by the mainstream classic car movement, such as the Austin Princess, Rover 800 series, FSO Polonez, or Reliant Robin. This is motivated by the same appreciation for form and function as collecting art, or artifacts, instead of seeing them as potential investments. Which is as well, since the investments almost never pay off. An example of "Autoshite maths" is: 1. Buy a grotty old bit of chod. 2. Spend twice its value fixing it up. 3. Sell it for less than half of what you paid for it. 4. Repeat. The experience gained is invaluable to the DIY Shiter, so there is a payoff, just not necessarily an obvious financial one. Often Autoshite is depicted as a sort of addiction, as some people just keep buying more cars and end up with five examples of a fine* bit of automotive history, only one of which actually runs.

Another, even smaller group within the Autoshite movement seems extremely hostile to any attempt to grow or evolve the forum in any way. Some opine that it is a sacrilege to start, for example, a facebook group, and are so adamant about this that a quite intense rivalry seems to have developed between the "Sandalites" and the "Gourdites." [/Life or Brian reference.] There are also those who have abandoned all hope of an "aloha" spirit, and insist that the beach be "localized." However beaches, like web forums, are public, so one must not fear any attempt at intimidation. If one does, perhaps the Autoshite form of piss-taking might be a bit much, in which case joining the facebook group might be better suited. Besides, the whole point of the Internet is its global reach, so as long as you don't drop in on anyone else's waves, you should be OK to surf there. N00bs please note: a little humility goes a long way. Membership on Autoshite takes a certain...cunning. I'll leave it at that.

The Autoshite ethos has its roots in the book "Bangernomics" by James Ruppert, and also in the now-defunct early 1990's magazine "Jalopy". Both publications emphasised the economic virtues of running near-end-of-life vehicles as daily transport with the owners being encouraged to maintain these vehicles themselves to minimise costs. The Autoshite ethos has a small following supported by a web forum: www.autoshite.com where help and advice is available. Of course this help is not always helpful, as one of the running jokes is to reply to a question such as: "How do I fix______on a [known shit car]?" by posting: "Set fire to it."

Autoshite has its own bits of dogma; perhaps the best-known of which is: ALL VOXLS ARE SHIT M8. Which is unquestioned by the uninitiated. Unless you are an American who has had any experience with the Cadillac Catera, in which case you understand the truth of it. The Autoshite ethos is also understood to mean supporting your fellow shiters in all their endeavors, be it collecting or repairing cars, or even rescuing each other from the side of the road following an FTP (Failure To Proceed; see below.) It is considered good form to offer your assistance even if there is nothing you can do; a simple "I would, but it's so far away" will often soothe the nerves of a most disgruntled Shiter. Especially if you're a non-local, such as a Yank (like myself, f'rinstance.)

Cars are judged on what is known as the "Absolute Bollocks Scale" or "Misery Index". A car that is of low standard specification, (a.k.a "bog standard", "poverty spec") in an unfashionable colour, with a lower-powered engine, homemade alterations or considered undesirable by the general populace could be deemed "Autoshite". Examples would include the Austin Montego, Nissan/Datsun Bleubird, Morris Ital, Talbot Tagora or large Japanese saloons of the 70s/80s. Individual models within a range carry more kudos than others. For example the Ford Sierra base model could be considered Autoshite, especially with the 1.3 petrol or 2.3 diesel engines, whereas the Cosworth version might not.

Slang

Autoshite also features its own version of the English language, an expurgated version of which is presented here:

• ALL VOXLZ R SHIT -- Autoshite dogma. See: OMG ALL _____ ARE SHIT
• “Buy it; They're great cars; I would if I had the money,” etc. -- “I wouldn't touch one with a fifty foot disinfected barge pole, but it's not my money, and I'll laugh when I read your thread about it going wrong in style.”
• “Done a Peugeot” -- Something has broken and/or one of the doors doesn't open.
• "Drives Excellent" -- Anything that's even more atrocious to drive than a Lada Riva. Also see WINNAH.
• “Guaranteed MOT pass”-- Channel Islands-speak for: “It's finished.”
• “Hammer(ing) a smaller(___________)over it" (e.g. “socket”) -- The art of dragging a joke out for several years, each subsequent one being less funny than the last. Which itself is pretty remarkable.
• "It's going over the bridge." -- Said of a car about to be weighed-in for scrap. See: Scrappy.
• “I would, but it's too far away…” (Insert lame repeated excuses here) -- Time-wasting idiot.
• "Made of Unobtainium" -- Parts that you won't find anywhere other than a scrappie’s yard or a "specialist” breaker. Most often refers to that bit of trim that was uniquely fitted to your car for one week only during August in 1984. Likely to be a badge, 80's style stripe or bit of dash furniture. In more modern motors, refers to anything that you can only buy from a franchised main dealer at extortionate prices, like parts for Smart cars, or electronic thingumajigs.
• "Owned by Mechanic" -- A severely neglected car due to Can't-Be-Arsedness to turn a bolt after tinkering all day at work with customers' chod. Usually the rear seat and carpet are soaked with oil from carrying around engine and gearbox spares, and the steering wheel and driver's door pull are covered with a black crust.
• "They all do that, sir." -- Used when referencing a problem, such as OMGHGF on a Rover K-series. Can also be used as an excuse for why your nice little earner is somewhat* less than perfect.
• "What Could Possibly Go Wrong?" – Everything. All at once. -- Murphy’s Law for shite motorists. Also applicable to hand-builts or exotics bought unseen on eBay and collected on a rainy day after dark. (See: Moccasins, Welly Power.)
• [IRONY] -- A variation of HTML tags; indicating the use of irony, sarcasm, or other concepts unfamiliar to those who may be new to Autoshite. Often used to shield the OP from any blowback caused by reader's probable failure to understand. [/IRONY]
• "Your mileage may vary" -- To each his own.

Autoshite Words:

• Autoshite -- A UK forum for (roughly) pre-1998 car enthusiasts who would rather see such vehicles restored, preserved, and/or perhaps even driven, rather than bridged. For this reason, not a good place to post asking for cheap iron to banger-race, as you're likely to face copious quantities of blowback.
• Asterisk -- The application of the ubiquitous asterisk* can imply hidden levels of meaning* to even the most mundane sentence: "Nobody can resist the obvious charms* of the FSO Polonez." **Or [someone who] has seen 8 episodes of Wheeler Dealers and is thus up there with Wayne Carini in the knowledge department…**Note alternative use of the asterisk to draw attention to footnotes.
• A-Framing -- A method of towing a possibly dead car, with a passably alive one. [Derived from the triangular shape of many car dollies.] Extra kudos gained from towing something of roughly equal mass to the towcar, over a long distance. Towing a Metro with a Discovery 40 miles is good. Towing a Discovery with a Metro from Central France to Dingwall is for WINNARZ. Restecp.
• Arsedness – Motivation, Botherance.
• Aldi -- German maker of motorcars based in Ingolstadt.
• Audi -- German supplier of quality tools, car accessories, and essentials such as beer and carpet slippers.
• Biscuit tin -- Improvised body panels. Also a fitting end for Vauxhalls, Yugos and such like.
• Blag – 1. Job, usually robbery or other nefarious criminal activity. 2. Drive, as in "Going for a blag up to Yonks. From Kent."
• Blowback -- Unintended consequences, such as being flamed for being lapped by the rest of the field, or for drawing cocks on grocery store doors, that sort of thing.
• Bodge – A temporary fix, often involving vise-grips, gaffer tape and/or bailing wire. Can also mean an improvised, though inelegant, temporary solution*.
• Bog-spec -- See: Povo-Spec.
• BOL (Book of Lies) – Owners Workshop Manuals, published by Haynes. At first sight the book is a jumble of nonsense intended to insult the reader. Lies are in the form of statements such as: “Refitting is the reverse of removal”. Which thought is itself untrue. These publications have led to much shite being stranded in lock-ups the world over.
• Brassic -- Poor. So poor, all one has left in one's pockets is borasic lint.
• Breakers -- Salvage yards; derived from "Breaking for Spares" as opposed to "Junked for Parts" in the American. See: Scrappy.
• Camel Piss -- Superior European gasoline the likes of which can only be imagined by shadetree hotrodders in the US of double-truckin' A.
• CBA – “Can’t Be Arsed.” Disease, often chronic. Can manifest itself as a general lack of Arsedness (see above.)
• Chav Chariot -- See Barried, Wob.
• Chod -- Undesirable, cheap, miserable and shit old car.
• Chocolate Teapot -- Useless. See: eBay trolls.
• Chrysler PT Cruiser -- A car too shit even for Autoshite.
• Citroen Picasso -- A car almost too shit even for Autoshite.
• Corsa -- A small hatchback made by Vauxhall. See also: Wank-Brain, OMGALL_______RSHIT.
• Coarser -- See: Wank-Brain.
• Council Estate Spec -- A vehicle of similar outward appearance to the Cortina driven by Onslow from “Keeping Up Appearances“.
• Disastra – Vauxhall Astra. Seemingly more disastrous with successive models – the Mk 1 being seen as something of a WINNAR-mobile (see also), whilst the latest model is seen by some as a bloated example of everything wrong with modern cars. See also: Renault Laguna II DCi, Time Bomb, What Could Possibly Go Wrong, Chocolate Teapot.
• Derv, Diseasel, Dizzler -- Diesel.
• Ditchfinders -- Cheap, shitty, poorly-made tyres.
• eBay Trolls – A particularly annoying life form, who seem to congregate in this online market. Often reported to communicate by grunting. They can usually be discerned by spotting the tell-tale signs, such as crap/vague/misleading descriptions of their goods (often almost entirely in TXT SPK), upside down pictures, over-optimistic valuations, or offers to buy a grand’s worth of car for “HNDRD CASH – COLCT 2NITE M8?”. Best avoided, although this isn’t always possible. Invariably they know someone “in the trade”*, who accompanies them on a test drive. Telltale signs are the use of words/phrases such as: “bumbers” – “mears” – “1st to see will buy” -- "Will you swap for Mondeo tonite M8" -- "Whats yer bestest fer cash, wil cloect 2nite”.
• eBay Tat -- Things that are worth* owning.
• EPIC – A purchase of outstanding quality. May be an acronym for Excellence Personified In Car form (or that may be utter bullshit).
• Escrote -- A Ford Escort.
• Failure To Proceed -- “It was working ten minutes ago, now it isn't. And I need to get home.” Derived from: "Rolls-Royces don't break down, they simply fail to proceed."
• Faff -- 1. To tinker with: "I spent a whole weekend faffing about with the yogurt truck only to crash it anyways." (sic)
• 2. To struggle with a difficult job: "It's a right faff changing the cambelt on a Daimler-Scheissler PT Bruiser."
• Fannymould -- Manifold: "Cheers AS, this slipped out early this morning, when describing why I was suffering from fume poisoning, and my truck's exhaust was making that characteristic ticking noise. e.g.: 'My exhaust fannymould seems to have gone, can you fix it?…' 'Eh?' ”
• Fettling -- Minor repair work, usually involving amenities / conveniences, after all* driveability issues have been sorted.
• Giffer Spec -- A type of car you know is either owned by or was bought new by someone over 65, e.g.: An Austin Maestro 1.3L Badermatic in Hearing Aid Beige.
• Giffer – A pensioner with a briar pipe, a flat cap on and a bag of Werther’s Originals in the glove compartment.
• Grenading -- When a car drinks all its own engine oil via ill designed turbo oil seals, revs uncontrollably, then finally ends in catastrophic engine diahorrea by shitting out all its mechanical parts through the side of the engine/back of the exhaust. See: Fragged.
• Grim – An expression of the excellence* of a particular vehicle. Grimness is usually determined by the vehicle’s unattractiveness to the general motoring public, poor levels of equipment or appointments, or general poor condition. Grimness can usually be enhanced by paint or trim in unappealing ‘earth’ colours, dubious reliability, and a general “un-MOT-able” air. Grim vehicles are best photographed in a ‘vibrant’ part of town with a blurry camera phone, for maximum effect.
• Halfrauds – Halfords. Mention of this word is almost as divisive as that of Vauxhall (see also). Self-declared Guru of car spares and accessories with a nationwide store network.
• Keep-fit windows -- Windows which require great effort to roll up, as compared to power windows.
• Kack -- See: Shit, Vauxhall, K-series.
• Kettle series – A range of engines used in Rover vehicles from 1989 onwards. Often found to be suffering from OMG HGF (see also). Sometimes known as K Series.
• Lerrrve -- Autoshite expression of desirability or agreement; often anthropomorphic in nature.
• Migraine – Renault Megane.
• Mingebag -- Most rubbish/cheapskate.
• Modern -- Any car newer than 1998. Something that we know to exist, and which a few Autoshiters admit to owning and using, but which we all know are actually rubbish*. (See: Vauxhall)
• Monkey Piss -- Weak, low-octane fuel. Available in the USA and called Premium*. Your mileage may vary.
• Motor -- English for car, short for motorcar, e.g.: "Ullo John, got a new motor??" (See: Alexi Sayle.)
• MPG -- For shite cars: Miles Per Gallon. For shit cars: Misery Per Gallon. Increased exponentially when rendered in TXT SPK, e.g.: OMGMPG.
• Mundano – Ford Mondeo.
• Murphy's Law -- "Nothing is as easy as it looks. Everything takes longer than you expect. And if anything can go wrong, it will -- at the worst possible moment."
• Oooof! -- Over the moon, Stoked, Dead chuffed. Quite happy with; overjoyed.
• Papped -- Photographed. "I've been papped, nooooooooooo..."
• Passout -- See: Pisshat.
• Pedant -- One who frequently displays encyclopedic knowledge, often to a fault.
• Pez – Petrol / Gasoline.
• PHWOAR -- Expression of appreciation that the just absorbed dose of Autoshite was not too small to overcome one's shite withdrawal symptoms. [Opposite of MOAR.]
• Pickarsehole -- Carries people, children and McDonald's detritus.
• Pineapple -- Roof rack ornament for any modified VAG vehicle.
• Pisshat – VW Passat.
• Redtop Brigade -- Vauxhall enthusiasts of a certain ilk, who seem determined to put every 'redtop' XE ever made into every small FWD Vauxhall ever made. Statistically impossible, unless they've got the engines on timeshare.
• Renault Laguna II DCi – See: What Could Possibly Go Wrong.
• R.I.P. -- Rust In Place. See Cubed, PT Cruiser.
• Rommel/Rammel – See: Chod, Tat.
• Scrappy -- Junk...erm, salvage yard. Where have all the Yugos gone, may they rust in place; we'll never care...
• Scrappage Scheme -- A Stalinist bit of social engineering, involving the packing of lemmings into shiny metal boxes. (See: Biscuit tin.) (Equivalent: "Cash for Clunkers" in the U.S.)
• Seppo -- Rhyming slang, short for Septic. An American. Epithet for same; derived from septic tank. (Full of shit??) See: Yank
• Shite -- A desirable old car, e.g.: A Fiat.
• Shit -- An undesirable old car, e.g.: A Yugo.
• Shite motoring -- Wot us lot do. Because we're skint, we drive shit motors." Or: "Because we drive shit motors, we're brassic."
• Shiter’s Syndrome -- An irrational desire to swap an entirely suitable, reliable, rust-free and presentable but boring vehicle for one that only possesses the last of these attributes.
• Shizzle – Shite.
• SHOKKA -- Undocumented feature* of many shite motors. See: Moccasins.
• Sorted! -- Fixed! (See: What Could Possibly go Wrong?)
• Soz -- Sorry.
• Spottage -- The art of photographing cars owned by people you don't know, then posting same to Autoshite for us lot to perv over.
• Spunk -- 1. To spend, e.g.: "...Spunk it all on coke and hookers." 2. To spit, e.g.: "...Spunk my dentures through my actual chappie." 3. Population paste.
• Tat -- Desirable* shite motors. See: Chod, Rammel.
• Test Pilot -- A potential buyer who either hasn't got the money or is simply not serious. See: "I would, but it's too far away."
• Testiculating -- To talk bollocks while waving your arms around.
• TXT SPK -- Derived from abbreviations once commonly used in sending text messages, usually indicating that the sender is dodgy and/or trying to hide something. See: eBay mong, Tosser.
• VAG -- Volkswagen Auto Group, i.e.: Audi, Bentley, Bugatti, Lamborghihi, Porsche, SEAT, Skoda, Volkswagen. Though widely used, the term has no official* meaning.
• Vauxhall –- The UK arm of GM’s global car manufacturing business. Possibly the most divisive word you can type into this forum, as if you do this someone will soon be along to tell you “ALL VOXLs ARE SHIT M8!”
• Vulcan Spunk -- See: LHM.
• Wanli Ditchfinder / Hwa Fong Slidemaster / Hyudainow – Cheap, nasty, shitty Chinese tyres, only available from dodgy backstreet tyre shops, and Kwik Fit. Made of secondhand chewing gum glued to recycled baling wire; curiously they have neither grip nor durability. See: Maypop.
• Wank-Brain – Someone who actually admits to liking Corsas on a public forum.
• WCPGW -- See: "What Could Possibly Go Wrong?"
• Welly Power -- Used immediately following a Failure To Proceed, only while wearing Wellington boots. Implies poor weather conditions. (See: Murphy's Law.)
• WIN –- An indeterminate quality, but the source of much awe in Autoshite circles. The easiest way to summarise it is to say that a Daewoo Leganza has significantly more WIN than a brand new Golf, (unless said Golf can do 132 MPH.)
• WINNAR, WINNAH --Probably from another misspelt meme, but it's an indication that the person on whom it is bestowed has truly gone above and beyond*.
• Wheelman -- Driver. See Blag, Blezz.
• Wob -- Filler, specifically of the variety applied in large and undulating quantities to the lower 4-12" of any car of any age, though normally to the more elderly vehicle. See: Bodge.
• Woollarding -- The act of placing one foot on the front bumper of a desirable motor vehicle whilst posing for a photograph. http://autoshite.com...95-woollarding/
• Yank -- An American, or an American car. Short for Yankee.
• Yankee Allegro –- AMC Pacer.
• Yonks -- 1. Yorkshire. 2. Ages, e.g. "Haven't seen a Corsa in yonks, not that I ever needed to."
• Zorst -- Exhaust bits.
• &c. -- You know the rest. As in: "SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB YOU TIT &c."

Serial Shiters' Syndrome:

There are also those members of the forum who are, or may soon come to be, known as "Serial Shiters" due to their inability to resist buying non-running cars ,with the inevitable* result that they keep watching eBay and buying even more cars, yet end up unable to afford to ever fix even one. Then they either walk, take the bus or train, drive a company car, or even drive a modern. (Defined as a post-1998 car.) The last of these is a sacrilege which can get one quite close to being banned, second only to Flynning or, dare I say it, having something nice to say about the facebook group. Serial shiters can have from as few as three, to as many as twenty-five cars at any given time, and are known to use them as parts cars to help others afflicted with the same syndrome. The more shite cars one has, the greater the odds of at least one of them being useful for any length of time. Thus proving Autoshite logic infallible* as always.

But after all that, perhaps it's best summed up by this Autoshite member, worldofceri:

"Half the problem is that no two members on here have the same idea as to what the Autoshite ethos is. Many of us are not into real Bangernomics at all and will keep a shit old car going way beyond any credible financial justification. It's a forum for people into shite old cars, that's all."

Such a shame that Autoshite hasn't made it to the big time yet. I guess we'll just have to settle for not being on "the real wiki" for a bit longer...[/pisstake]

"Shite is as shite does; furthermore, shite is in the eye of the key holder."

One man's shite is another man's shit

I'll get me coat...