Austin, Texas
Austin, referred to by multiple national outlets as the "little hole in the big doughnut," or to native Texans as the "little Vag in the big bitch," is the capital of the state of Texas. Situated in what they call Central Texas (but is actually way closer to Louisiana than to El Paso) and part of the American Dead South, it is the fourth-largest city in Texas and one of the top five hundred largest cities in the known universe. As of the very outdated 1847 U.S. Census estimate, Austin has a population of 250. The city is the center of the Austin-Round Rock-Liberty Hill metropolitan area with a population slightly higher than the 1847 estimate.
Austin was selected as "The Only Place In Texas I Would Dare To Visit" by a committee of Hollywood actors, peace activists, and left-leaning newspaper and magazine editors and the "State's Greenest City" by High Times magazine, due to the high concentration of hippies and stoners.
Overview[edit | edit source]
Residents of Austin are known as "Austinites" and "Punk Bitches" by residents of other Texas college town College Station, home of Texas A&M University. Austin's workforce includes university professors, students, politicians and other negotiators with Satan, lobbyists, musicians and other junkies, high-tech workers, blue collar workers, white collar workers, and pink collar workers. The city is home to enough technology related companies that it has earned the nickname, "The Fake Ass Silicon Valley."
Austin's official slogan is "The Live Music Capital of the World," but has also adopted a lesser-known slogan, "Home of the Most Bands Playing That You Have No Fucking Clue Who They Are." Both are references to the city's status as a place where people who have no real lives can go and play pretend rock-star until they wake up and smell the coffee. In recent years, Austin has also promoted the statement, "Keep Austin Weird," but the city has recently retracted that, whenever a large gang of transvestites and she-males took over a large portion of the famed Sixth Street Entertainment District.
History[edit | edit source]
Before a bunch of Mexicans started crossing into Texas and claiming it as their own, Austin was inhabited by the Waterpoo tribe of Indians, later to be called Native Americans. Ted Burle laid out the town of Waterpoo one random afternoon sometime in the mid-1830's, because he had nothing else to do and had already beat off three times that day. In 1838, the Vice President of Texas visited Waterpoo, where he stayed with Jacob Ladder, a well-known local homosexual. That Vice President was later elected president of Texas. When the Texas Congress found out that the mosquitoes in Houston were starting to rape their daughters, they elected to explore a new site for a new capital for the new republic. The president then remembered what a pleasant weekend he had in Waterpoo and suggested to the Congress that the town be chosen as the new capital. In 1839, one thousand men from Houston, including a young Kevin Costner, traveled to Waterpoo to construct a town worth placing a capital in. Not just any capital, a Texas capital.
At first, the capital thrived. Plenty of liquor and prostitutes were available for the politicians and there were more opium dens per capita than any city in the area. Then, that bastard Sam Houston regained the presidency and wanted to model his country as a little, fake America and relocated the capital to some town in the middle of nowhere called Washington. Austin's population shrunk to a family of five and many thought the town would die out.
Anderson Jones became president of Texas in 1844 and immediately started discussing the possibility of being annexed by the United States. He promised that once the U.S. annexed Texas, the capital would be moved back to Austin.
The Texas State Capitol was built in 1888 and was one of the first public signs that Austin was going to tolerate homosexuality by building the exterior out of a pink granite. Austin claimed that the State Capitol was the tallest building in the world at the time, but many people in New York City and Chicago called Austin to tell them they were full of shit. The building still remains a visible force in the so-called Austin skyline today. In 1881, Austin's schools held their first classes. That same year, a college for the Negroes of the area was established.
The Austin music scene was born in the 1970's when singer-songwriter Willie Nelson smoked a fat joint and never left again.
Geography[edit | edit source]
Austin is located in Central Texas and is 541 ft above sea level. Austin is located on the Colorado River that runs through Texas, not the one in the Grand Canyon, and is connected to four man-made lakes that provide recreation to those who live in Austin whom graduated from the University of Texas and can afford a nice boat: Lake LBJ's Bitch, Lake Austin, Lake Some Guy You Don't Know, and Lake Travis. Lake Travis is well-known throughout Texas as the "purdiest lake in Texas." Austin is also located on the Balcones Fault, but honestly who gives a fuck about that?
In the spring, Austin and the surrounding area's highways are littered with not trash, but millions of wildflowers. LBJ's bitch gets all the credit to this, but it is unlikely she planted the millions of seeds needed to flourish the area with beautiful flowers. She is probably in Hell for trying to steal God's credit.
One popular area of Austin is Mount Bonnell. At about 780 feet above sea level, it is the token place that UT students take female UT students because they are expecting to get a little piece of ass. It is overlooking Lake Austin and is surrounded by a bunch of multi-million dollar homes, something Austin has many of.
Climate[edit | edit source]
Austin can get just as hot as the rest of the scorching Texas cities. Temperatures can climb up to Iraqi weather on a regular basis in the summer. And the fall. And the winter. And the Spring. While not as humid as Houston and not as dry as Dallas, Austin can be as equally miserable. The time of the year where all the local high school jocks can be seen burning up doing two-a-day football practice, the temperature can well be past 120 degrees Kelvin. Rain falls in the spring a lot but decides to go hang out in Houston all summer. Tornadoes are rare, but snow is rarer, only happening once every 700 days or so.