15th Century (artist)
15th Century (also known as Fifteenth Century, or 15th Cent for short) was a popular poet and occasional actor, who lived from 1475 to 1515. Often confused with the later 50 Cent, their lives draw interesting parallels.
Fifteenth Alabaster Ernesto Derek Century was born into a lower class African-English peasant family in medieval England, to his mother Elizabeth Fourteenth Century, and an unknown father. It has been suggested that it was perhaps an immaculate conception caused by the presence of the rap poetry force. However this theory was discarded when everyone remembered that Fifteenth's mother was a whore, and a dirty one at that. Indeed it was discovered that she would often service travelling menfolk for a shilling in gutters whilst human excrement was thrown on them from above. Apparantely it was the only way to feed Fifteenth, who was crying all alone on the stable floor.
Fifteenth's Early Life
Using the ill gotten gains from his mother's sleeping around, Fifteenth attended a local elementary school, Kidsget High, where his aptitude for words and creative writing was discovered. He was also talented with the lute and excelled with early use of the synthesiser and drum machine to make what was known as crap music. In the next four hundred years, the 'c' was lost in the ether of time, and thus became rap music.
However, by the age of fifteen, Fifteenth had fallen by the wayside. He was neglecting his daily ale and biscuit at school, and instead had become involved in dealing tobacco and potatoes brought over from America. In just one week, he allegedly sold two hundredweight of tobacco sandwiches and two cartloads of potato cigarettes. This shady dealing earned Fifteenth a bad-boy rep, so bad it was considered to be truly terrible. Fifteenth also made over £10 which he used to buy a bulletproof horse and mirror-plated cart, which resulted in him inheriting the ancient title of Kingpin Of The Cart Game.
The potato-dealing high life could not last forever though - on the 15th of February 1500, Fifteenth was challenged to a best of fifteen jousting match by a rival tater-diller, Quotient Rule (see right). Such was Fifteenth's arrogance that he refused to wear a mask, preferring not to conceal his identity (see original oil painting, top of page). However, during the course of the joust, Fifteenth took a lance to the mouth and suffered a broken jaw, which he later attributed to being the cause for his 'walking funny'. He naturally talked funny due to his peasanty upbringing and lack of a male role model.
With his street rep and best jousting tunic in tatters, Fifteenth decided to go legit and over the next fifteen years, wrote fifteen anthologies of poems, including:
- "Inn Ye Clubbe"
- "Joust a Lil Bit"
Unfortunately, after his jousting-injured jaw was poorly set by the amateur surgeon Dr. Dry, Fifteenth Century became so incomprehensible that he was never able to perfom poetry readings anywhere other than his home shire.
Fifteenth Century married a local dairy girl, Kacey, and they begat fifteen children:
Curtis Century, Curly Century, Second Century, Chinese Century, Chubby Century, Thirtyfirst Century, Century FM, Penchury Century, Gentry Century, Fifteenth Century II, Ja Century, Emin Century, Notorious Bee Eye Century, and Abraham.
Fifteenth Century lived out the remainder of his years as a wizard and his pastimes included jousting, calligraphy, archery, and window slopping (throwing raw sewage from upstairs windows onto the homies below). He passed away on Friday 14th February 1515 shortly after being hit by fifteen arrows, fired by a local mother who was unimpressed with the way he glamorised poetry. Although he survived the harrowing arrowing, Fifteenth was immediately gored by two wild boars and died. The media of the day were indifferent to his passing, however the perpetrators were sentenced to be roasted until death.
As well as his fifteen children of various sexes, Fifteenth left behind several manuscripts for plays about his peasantly upbringing, including "Ye Grass Acre", "8 Mile Cart Track" and "Get Rich, or Sleep With Men and Die Trying to Conceal the Fact That You Have Cyphillis".