User:Kippy/Fisher-Price
- This article is about the horrible toy company. For the literary masterpiece, see Fisher Price
Fisher-Price, Inc. is the world's leading manufacturer of toys for for infants and toddlers, as well as the leading cause of death for infants and toddlers. Headquarters located in New York, Fisher-Price toys stand out by their status of being made by toddlers, for toddlers.
History[edit | edit source]
Fisher-Price was founded in 1930 by Edward Boydtoucher[1]. A failed fisherman, Boydtoucher used what little money he had left to open a small toy-line. He was inspired to name it "Fisher-Price", since he would now sell cheap crap instead of cheap carp.
Late in his life, Boydtoucher became so overwhelmed with greed that he lost his mind, and was consequently placed in a mental institution, where they let him play with all the toys he wanted. What was no doubt poetic justice, Boydtoucher choked on some small parts and died.
It was at this time in 1993 that Fisher-Price was sold to toy company Hezbollah, whom continues to own it as a subsidiary to this day.
Total Recall[edit | edit source]
In late 2007, the federal government planned a private investigation into Fisher-Price. Fearful that they would find out the company's ties to sweatshops, Fisher-Price made a total recall of all their toys. To cover their tracks, they blaimed the Chinese' lead paint, despite the fact that they had used lead paint for years without complaint.
Quaker opposition[edit | edit source]
Products[edit | edit source]
Fisher-Price has manufactured millions toys that are distributed around the world. Many are their toy names are widely-recognizable, due to their frequent appearances in child obituaries.
- Little People
Interactive dolls that make fun of midgets. They were discontinued after the United States Congress passed the Civil Rights For Midgets Act.
- Corn popper
Similar to the Easy Bake Oven, it's a mini-microwave that cooks popcorn. It was discontinued after many children put metal in them, causing them to explode.
- See 'n Say
Childern pull a string and an arrow spins around before landing on an animal. It then tells them what the animal says, such as "The cow saw: Moooo!". It was discontinued after one million products that went out that said "The chicken says: Go eat shit, fuckers!"[2].
- Power Wheels
Miniture cars that children could drive around. They were discontinued after most of the cars caught fire due to overheated batteries.
- Shake 'n Go!
A potty training video for young boys that teaches them how to shake their weiners so that the last drops of urine will effectively fall out. It was discontinued due after studies showed the the average rate at which children begin experimenting in masturbation was lowered from 13 to 4.
- Magna Doodle
Similar to the Etch-A-Sketch, only nothing like it and not very fun. It was discontinued after the above mentioned boys drew dirty pictures with it.
- Tickle Me Elmo
Just guess why this was discontinued.
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
See Also[edit | edit source]
