User:Frinko/Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter
“Hey that's my movie”
“How was a movie about the bible made with a running time under 4 hours?”
“and I thought I was the only copyright thief”
In 1992 many crappy films where made until one day Mel Gibson was upset of the lack of respect of jesus in the eyes of today's youth. So he set out to make the biggest blockbuster ever made "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter". A film funded by the holy Super Pope with a budget bigger than all of Texas.The hit movie became a Hollywood classic and winner of 22 Oscars including "best film ever made" and was shortly followed by many sequels.
The first movie[edit | edit source]
The film begins when Jesus(himself) is fighting in Iraq so it would never happen when all the sudden a Masked human of unknown sex(Played by Lance Bass) kidnaps his sheep(played by Frank Oz). Jesus chases him in an epic chase scene in a high speed tank whike the masked person escapes in a Bouncy Castle. Jesus returns home to LA (where he live of course) wheeping over his lost sheep however his apartment explodes and he is presumed dead. But shortly later he rises from the Atlantic ocean unharmed. At the Beach where he rises he meets Hugo (played by Bruce Campbell). Hugo tells him that Atheists, Pagans, Michael Moore(played by John Goodman),Xenu(Played by Adam Sandler), and the Jewish have all teamed up to destroy God by killing Jesus's sheep, Jesus then sets out on a quest to find the holy force, Pat Robinson(played by Johnny Depp),George W. Bush,Chuck Norris , and Steve Ballmer. Jesus find Pat Robinson under attack by giant winged homosexuals, Jesus and Hugo engage in combat using there new weapon The Boomstick 2.0, Pat Robinson then said that The massive force lead By Michal Moore has found a way to turn into lesbian Vampires. Shocked the three rush to find George but where betrayed as Michal Moore got there first and gave Bush his one Weakness Common Sense. Jesus them tries to kick his ass only to find Michal's Fatness to deflect his blows. Shortly later Jesus Is saved By Chuck Norris and Michal screams That he cannot defeat the over 9000 chuck. Jesus and friends later look for Steve Ballmer, But only to find a note that says "we have taken your last member and killed him you are now weak against use at midnight all the worlds Bibles will be destroyed along with your pet goat" Jesus then gets furious yelling "it's not a goat!!!!" then a holy light opens to many weapons and vests and then a Music video with an energetic "our god is an awesome god" in the background. As Jesus, Pat Robinson,Chuck Norris, and Hugo walk in slow motion towards a castle with many burrito rapers around that say "here it is" Hugo meets up with Torgo of hotel Manos to get rest and Phoenix Downs, But at the middle of the night Hugo is shot and Torgo is killed by by Chuck, Hugo's Dying words where "My name is Ash". Ash was the original vampire hunter or Pwner when Bram stroker (the first vampire) appeared. Jesus and friends run towards the castle missing ever shot fired with Jesus turning them to fish and chuck Round-house kicking everything in sight and Pat Robinson using Bibles as Ninja stars. Then they enter a room where they see a sheep on a table with Michael Moore as a vampire about to kill the sheep by sex-changing it when all the sudden Ash(used to be Hugo and died but didn't) appears and say's "Let's rock" and the epic fight scene that was made into 9 billion AMVs in one day one day on youtube where Michal Moore, Xenu, and Lance Bass all fight against Jesus and friends. as all three are killed The castle blows up and jesus saves everyone but then after the credits Xenu's Hand appears from the ashes where the sequels pick up.
Reception[edit | edit source]
The film was a Megahit blockbuster with Roger Eberts Rare "A million Thumbs up" review that no other movie has ever gotten. Rotten Tomatoes freshness rating is 101%. Many however thought the film had plot holes but where later hunted down
The Sequels[edit | edit source]
Jesus christ vampire hunter 2:Apocolypse, a well grossing sequel that added Jean Clude Van Damme to the party
Jesus Christ Vampire hunter 3:The return of Moore, John Goodman left this sequel in his place is that guy from the second Flintstones movie
Jesus Christ Vampire hunter: new paths, Jesus is replaced as a midget and chuck Norris is replaced by Don the Dragon not worth watching
Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter:The game The Movie, Uwe Boll's adaption of the game based off the movie has Ashton Kutcher as Jesus and Green Day as Hugo
The worst in the series
Jesus Christ VH Vs. Kazaam, Mel Gibson changed his name to Alan Smithee after this film was released stars Kobe Bryant as Kazaam