UnNews:USA Men's Olympic Fencing Team Disqualified
12 August 2012
In a swift and stunning move, Olympic Authorities ejected the entire team from the Beijing Olympic Training Center earlier today. The American team is the first entire team to ever be dismissed from participating in any Olympic Game, ever. Outraged American Olympic Committee Officials Tweeted an immediate petition with the Olympic Grievence Committee, but things are not looking too good for the USA.
Athletes were visibly upset upon hearing the news; "Why?" "We don't understand!" You SAID 'Fencing'!"
The six members of the United States Fencing Team stem from many backgrounds. Co-joined Fencing Twins Danielle and Tom from Southern California quit competitive surfing when the opportunity to fence came their way. "We were just a couple of surfer dudes who basically hung out at the beach." said Tom. "Bro." said Danielle, "I'm a girl". "Shush. Then our Mother gave us a gift certificate for fencing lessons at a fencing school in Rancho Santa Margarita". "Named after Saint Margaret" Danielle added. "The patron Saint of all things which cause the elderly to act nutty in the wee hours of the night!" "Shush!" Tom continued. "And here we are, shovel ready!"
London Olympic Officials had little to say as they listened to the pleas of the obviously retarded Americans. Officials showed no signs for tolerance or sympathy, only amazement and disappointment at the outright stupidity of the Americans. "You people are IDIOTS! Take this up with your American President and your team's Coach! You have completely missed the point! Are you MORONS?! Remove yourselves by noon from the Olympic Village! Take your tools!"
England is an emerging superpower and these Olympic Games could serve as a springboard for their effectiveness at global bargaining tables. A medal sweep for the British could give the British leverage-be it for a country's energy reserves, America's untapped natural mineral resources, or Britians' ability to use their accents to get at our hot chicks. Outrageous indeed!
- Louie Carbunkle, Field Reporter "USA Fencing Team; "Uber Stupid"." Sports Illustrated, August 11, 2012