UnNews:U.S. friends, family plan gun 'intervention'
16 April 2007
BRUSSELS: European Union and United Nations leaders have announced they are planning an 'intervention' to help their friend and family member, the United States, following increasing bouts of self-destructive behaviour. The latest incident, a school shooting in Virginia, has prompted the EU and UN to practice some "tough love" to help the U.S. through this "two hundred and fifty year dark patch."
European Commission President José Manuel Barroso said that the EU had watched their friend "slowly disintegrate" over the last half-century.
"It's just so sad when a close friend starts to self-destruct," said Mr. Barroso. "It's a tragedy."
Doctors say that America, is suffering from a chronic disease known as "Gun Rampage Syndrome", a degenerative condition under which its citizens feel compelled to shoot at each other continuously. The Chief of Gun Medicine, Dr. Jean-Claude Thing, at the University of Paris says that a treatment is available, but that the United States is simply 'refusing' treatment.
"In this case, a documented and effective treatment is available for GRS," said Dr. Thing, speaking in front of bookshelves and wearing a white coat to look knowledgeable, "but in this case, it is quite clear that the United States is refusing to administer the treatment."
The recognised cure for GRS is known as "legislation", a process that effectively eliminates, or extremely curtails symptoms, by decreasing the number of legally-owned guns. "Some countries, like Australia and Great Britain, have been successfully treated for this kind of condition," said Dr. Thing, still wearing a white coat. "The treatment is effective in 98% of cases."
But close friends of the United States have said that the U.S. simply doesn't want to be treated. "The "legislation", has been available for years," said Canada, a longtime friend, "but the U.S. simply doesn't want it. What can you do with a patient that won't be treated?"
Mr. Barroso has declared that the E.U. will 'intervene' on America's behalf by administering the legislation itself. According to Mr. Barroso, Canada and Mexico will hold the U.S. down while Europe injects the anti-gun legislation directly into the U.S.'s population. "I know that sounds like a drastic step," said Mr. Barroso, "but in cases like this, when a friend is very sick but won't take their medicine, we're left with no choice."
Doctors say that without the administering of the legislation, America could die within 50 years from the escalating rate at which its citizens shoot each other.
"The sad thing is," said Dr. Thing, "that America sets an example to the world. If they won't take their medicine, younh, impressionable countries like East Timor and Montenegro might think it's OK to practice this sort of behaviour."
- "Officials: Gunman dead after bloody campus rampage." CNN, April 16, 2007