UnNews:Royal Wedding 2018 highlights

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Sunday, May 20, 2018

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BUCKINGHAM PALACE -- Another day, another stuffy wedding. However, this was no ordinary union of two star-crossed lovebirds. The Romeo in this case is Prince Harry. And the Juliet is former actress/personality/something-or-other Meghan Markle. And in a sign that the John Goodman movie King Ralph is closer to reality than we thought -- she's an American marrying into the British Royal Family. The newly-crowned Princess's official title will be Duchess of Sussex, which sounds more glamorous than Duchess of Cornwall. In fact, Camila Cabello is a more famous Camilla than Charles's wife. Hell, even Gonzo's chicken girlfriend is a more popular Camilla than the British Royal.

In case you missed it, or didn't give a shit, here are some of our favorite highlights from the 2018 Royal Wedding:

All times London local (BST, not to be confused with K-pop boy band BTS).

10:25 a.m. Consume. Submit. Obey.[edit]

Meghan's vows will omit the word "obey." Perhaps it's because of a film they saw the other night?

10:31 a.m. Let them eat cake![edit]

According to the royal family, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle attended several tasting trials at the Windsor Castle kitchen back in March, sampling each of the dishes made from scratch in the castle's kitchen.

10:49 a.m. Band of Irish Guards performs[edit]

This music sucks. Do they know "Knee Deep" by George Clinton?

George Clinton.jpg

11:09 a.m. The Beckhams and the Clooneys arrive[edit]

Soccer star David Beckham and his Spice Girl wife, Victoria, arrive, as do George and Amal Clooney.

11:29 a.m. Guest settle into the church[edit]

A crowd rings the bells.

11:45 a.m. Harry arrives[edit]

Prince Harry has arrived at St George's Chapel in Windsor Castle.

11:54 a.m. Prince Harry is now inside Church with his best man, the Duke Of Cambridge.[edit]

(That's William to us Americans.)

12:02 p.m. Meghan arrives with Her Majesty[edit]

Queen Elizabeth II and Meghan Markle have arrived at St George's Castle.

12:04 p.m. Here Comes the bride[edit]

Meghan arrives.

12:05 p.m.[edit]

“The veil is held in place by Queen Mary's diamond bandeau tiara, lent to Ms. Markle by The Queen. The diamond bandeau is English and was made in 1932, with the entre brooch dating from 1893.”

– - Kensington Palace (@KensingtonRoyal) May 19, 2018

12:09 p.m.[edit]

“Are you going to exchange vows yet?”

– Bishop Michael Curry.

12:21 p.m. I do.[edit]

Prince Harry told the Archbishop of Canterbury he would take Meghan Markle to be his wife at a glittering display of royal pageantry that supporters hope will inject a measure of modern Hollywood glamour into the 1,000-year-old monarchy.

"I will," Harry answered when asked by Justin Welby, the leader of the Anglican Communion, if he would take Markle - dressed in a flowing white gown created by British designer Clare Waight Keller - to be his wife, to love her, comfort her, "honour" her and protect her, blah, blah, blah.

12:24 p.m.[edit]

Bishop Michael Curry, the Obama of the Episcopal Church, delivers a sermon now. Not a boring, fire-and-brimstone sermon. A "God loves everybody, unlike a certain President" sermon. Or something like that.

12:27 p.m.[edit]

“Three more hours of this shit?! I can barely stand three more hours of Trump!”

– Bishop Michael Curry

12:27 p.m.[edit]

“When are Lone Starr and Barf gonna show up like in Spaceballs?”

– Bishop Michael Curry

“...to join Princess Vespa and Prince Valium in the bonds of holy... MOLY!”

– Priest from Spaceballs

12:32 p.m.[edit]

“May God bless you and may God hold you in his almighty hands”

– Bishop Michael Curry

12:34 p.m. When the night has come, and the land is dark...[edit]

The choir performs "Stand By Me." Do they know "My Girl" or "Ain't Too Proud to Beg"?

12:35 p.m. Here comes the bride[edit]

“The Bride moves in procession through the Nave where she is joined by The Prince of Wales #RoyalWedding”

– - The Royal Family (@RoyalFamily) May 19, 2018

12:35 p.m. Look what you did, you little jerk![edit]

Macaulay Culkin Royal Wedding 2018.jpg

Macaulay Culkin? What are you doing at the Royal Wedding? Harry and Marv are gonna see you!

12:36 p.m. Vows[edit]

Bride and groom start taking their vows. It's gonna be a while.

12:38 p.m. Now, it's Harry's turn[edit]

Meghan Markle has taken her vows. Prince Harry is now taking his vows.

12:39 p.m. Vows[edit]

“All that I have, I now share with you.”

– Meghan Markle, in her vows

12:39 p.m. Slash guitar solo[edit]

Slash November Rain guitar solo.jpg

12:40 p.m. I now pronounce you husband and wife[edit]

The Archbishop of Canterbury has now declared Prince Harry and Meghan Markle husband and wife.

12:42 p.m. Can you play "Bohemian Rhapsody"?[edit]

The choir has now started singing after Prince Harry and Meghan Markle become husband and wife.

12:51 p.m. Exchange of vows[edit]

Royal Wedding: Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Exchange Wedding Vows At St George's Chapel Of Windsor Castle.

12:52 p.m. Meghan takes her official name[edit]

Thou art now dubbed Duchess of Sussex.

12:55 p.m. Celebrities in the crowd[edit]

Elton John Royal Wedding 2018.png

That's what I like about Princesses. The Queen gets older; they stay the same age.

Guests included Elton John and someone who looks like either Joaquin Phoenix or Matthew McConaughey.

12:58 p.m. Exchanging of vows[edit]

“Prince Harry, Meghan Markle exchange vows in grand royal wedding#RoyalWedding2018”

– - NDTV (@ndtv) May 19, 2018

12:59 p.m. More exchanging of vows[edit]

“Meghan Markle, Prince Harry exchange wedding vows in grand #RoyalWedding

LIVE updates here: [LINK REDACTED]”

– - NDTV (@ndtv) May 19, 2018

1:05 p.m. I Wanna Hold Your Hand[edit]

Harry and Meghan hold hands at emotional wedding service, reports news agency AFP.

1:06 p.m. B-B-B-Benny and the Jets[edit]

Elton John performs "Don't Go Breaking My Heart," except, due to a mix-up, he instead performs the new Backstreet Boys single of the same name.

1:10 p.m. Cue the kisses[edit]

Prince Harry, Meghan Markle leave St George's Chapel. They shared a kiss, amid cheers and a choir singing in celebration of their wedding.

They are now boarding the Royal Carriage to take them away from the venue.

1:30 p.m.[edit]

Newly pronounced husband and wife Prince Harry and Meghan Markle now make their way to Buckingham Palace, amid a huge crowd clapping and cheering for the royal couple.

3:02 p.m. Back in Buck[edit]

“The Duke and Duchess of Sussex arrive back at Windsor Castle following their Carriage Procession around Windsor. #RoyalWedding”

– - The Royal Family (@RoyalFamily) May 19, 2018

3:03 p.m. You may kiss the bride.[edit]

“Sealed with a kiss #RoyalWedding”

– - The Royal Family (@RoyalFamily) May 19, 2018

3:03 p.m. Show's over. Go home.[edit]

“The Duke and Duchess of Sussex depart the Chapel for a carriage procession through the Castle and Windsor Town #RoyalWedding”

– - The Royal Family (@RoyalFamily) May 19, 2018

3:04 p.m. Harry and Meghan meet with family and friends outside the chapel[edit]

“The Duke and Duchess of Sussex gather with their family and friends outside the Chapel, and are greeted by 200 guests involved with organisations closely associated with the couple #RoyalWedding”

– - The Royal Family (@RoyalFamily) May 19, 2018