UnNews:Manhattan teen on suicide watch after doctors tell her no cure for flatulence

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22 November 2007

Is this how it's done?

MANHATTAN, New York- A Manhattan teenager has been placed on suicide watch after doctors diagnosed her with a rare case of chronic flatulence called FBEFS -Foreign Born Extreme Flatulence Syndrome. FBEFS is a little known but devastating gastrointestinal ailment originating from rural Canadians, also known locally as “Canucks Revenge”, or “Le `Toots” and also “ “Makenzies Revenge”. Bob and Doug Makenzie are known carriers. Other famous Canadian carriers of this disturbing disease are “Celine Dion and Keanu Reeves.”

The Teen first noticed symptoms while returning from a vacation to Quebec, Canada. When asked the girl stated, “I started smelling this horrible smell in the taxi on the way to the airport…I didn’t even know it was me…I just thought -those damn dirty Canadians-” Her friend remarked “ I had to take a later flight after she pretty much cleared out coach and it was standing room only in first class.” No charges have been filed by the FFA or Canada Air as yet. The teen also commented “They always say, don’t drink the water south of the boarder but I’ve never heard anything about north of the border.”

The syndrome is marked by high levels of methane production resulting in first degree ratings in all categories of the Extreme Flatulence Scale. The categories are Frequency, Odor, Distribution, Acoustics, and Half life. Also known as the FODAH scale. FBEFS is caused by ingesting the parasitical bacteria found on traditional Canadian cuisine. The Canadian food groups are based traditionally on seasonal ingredients. The cuisine includes a lot of wild game, and gathered foods like muskrat glands and skunk root. Prepared foods are still a novelty for recent rural generations, so there are some that are well-loved to the point of obsession like bacon and beer, which have come to dominate suburban diets. However, home-made, warming, and wholesome remain key adjectives in what Canadians consider their cuisine.

There is no known cure for this chronic and terminal and because of the resulting isolation, most NON-Canadian sufferers must resort to telecommuting to keep their jobs. Some find employment in perfume research or in the Canadian Circus. The teen attempted suicide after being told there was no cure by locking herself in a bathroom for two hours with out the fan on or a window open. She was found unconscious by the New York City Hazmat Team.

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